Published on 12, July, 2020
I asked this question elsewhere else recently but I thought I’d ask here too as I’m curious.
I got into a bit of an argument with a friend recently due to a misunderstanding between ourselves. We were talking about something personal and then a couple of days later she messaged me to say that I made her feel bad because I apparently got “defensive” as we were talking.
I was really confused by this because I didn’t think I *was* being defensive (still don’t) but obviously that’s how I came across to her. Anyway, it got me wondering if this was an autistic thing and apparently it is. I read a blog post from an autistic woman saying how our facial expressions and tone of voice can be mismatched with our real feelings, so in a NT orientated world we are often misunderstood based on these things alone. It would explain why so many autistic get accused of being “rude” when they aren’t.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this?
DeputySprinkles said: I will never understand the thinking of the neurotypical brain. They are a baffling mystery and one I doubt I will ever understand.
Me too. I have been with my partner for 25-27 years now and I still don’t get her. I have recently asked her to give me a heads up if she is in a grumpy or bad mood. Equally I told her not to assume I’m sad all the time and not to ask why I look unhappy. I hope we can stick to this as it’s proving quite successful….. just need to work on the being given notice when things have been planned without me knowing.
For these little set pieces I like to have a smart alec answer.
For instance when they ask me that loaded question "How are you?" I tend to reply; "You know, The air rushes in, and the air rushes out..." sometimes I say it wearily, sometimes enthusiastically.
Yes all the time. I sound defensive, I look defensive...
Whaaas?? I will never understand the thinking of the neurotypical brain. They are a baffling mystery and one I doubt I will ever understand.
My next audible to listen to is Games people play as recommended by you I Sperg. I’m sure there would be some reference to being defensive in there surely??
It is quite amazing and this is just an observation. I have seen people have discussions on here and sometimes slight disagreements but never have I heard anyone say to each other they are being defensive. The only people that have fired that in my direction are NT’s.
It’s us versus them I’m afraid.
I hear that a lot as well and also if I've talked to someone they say "Yeah I can tell you're autistic". No wonder a lot of us have low confidence and social anxiety.
One of the most frequent phrases I hear is, “ no need to be like that mister touchy!” My answer normally is that it’s okay for you to voice your opinion but if I reply then I’m attacking?
Take5 said:Or just kick box their ass. Brilliant
The latter would make me feel better with people like that. I need to take up kick boxing
Upvoted, for making me smile...
Exactly
In simple terms being defensive shows the bully that you’re having non of it and will hold your ground.
Or just kick box their ass. Brilliant
I too get accused of being defensive on any given day. My Nt partner is very often offensive and doesn’t really understand me. I just refuse not to be offended and as I always say everyone has the right to defend themselves. Having said that I can be very sensitive so I probably on some occasions take offence even if it’s not intended. Oh and I’m stubborn. I should probably get back in my box now.
A thing I don't understand is what is wrong with being defensive? Whether or not one is being defensive.
i find that if you dont roll over and give up to the offensive persons opinion, they call you defensive...like if i dont agree with someone someone says and have a different opinion theyd call me defensive... or if they insult me and talk down to me and i back myself up thats defensive.... well i guess it kinda is but they are being offensive. you should be defensive really.... why should anyone take people talking them down? defence is natural reaction.infact it was only recently some guy in my flats community pages was downtalking me and speaking to me like a child. calling me childish and so on, then making subtle comments like commenting about go and go nback in your flat and play on your playstation or something insinuating im a pathetic childish nerd... despite the fact my true hobby is kickboxing and id have kicked his head in for that if he said it to my face lol and he also then claimed im hiding behind my screen to which i demanded he meet me outside and say that to my face to which he refused and hid behind his screen... yeah he called me defensive... but he was speaking down to me all the time... in the end hes a tenant and im a owner so i put him in his place and threatened to evict him and got permission off the management head that i as a owner do indeed have powers to evict any tenant lol
I don't think I get defensive but a lot of people are always thinking I'm being defensive, even when I don't say anything, it's annoying and intrusive just commenting like that.
I try to communicate fluently and simply but I guess how I do it is misconstrued because most people seem to think I am defensive or intentionally being awkward...
I'm never either, it's just the way I am and people don't try to understand they instantly jump to incorrect conclusions of me.
I have this all the time. Hate it, because you can't respond to challenge it, otherwise it confirms you're being defensive. Only other option is to apologise, but then you're admitting you were defensive. I don't think I ever am, but I'm told I am ALL THE TIME. I've lost jobs because of it. Sometimes I get emotional and cry because I really don't think I am being defensive, I'm just trying to state my opinion because I feel people aren't listening or appreciating I am seeing the situation different to them. To me, other people aren't listening to me and I feel ignored. Society seems to want everyone to conform and agree with each other, and when you don't YOU'RE in the wrong.
I don't know the solution. I'm told I need to think about my tone, intonation, and language used. But I don't know how else to phrase things. If I don't agree with something, or I think someone is misunderstanding me, I feel I need to speak out on this. But yeah, apparently it's being "defensive" and I get told off. Sigh.
No, but I've been accused of being OFFENSIVE a far few times, when I was not.
Deleted (it won't let me delete).
This could have been written by me! I can relate so much! It’s exhausting!
When one has had a lifetime of people constantly telling you that you are not thinking or behaving in the correct manner, as defined by them, which is probably the experience of many autistic people, then it is hardly surprising that it results in an element of defensiveness becoming an almost default response to any sort of conflict or disagreement.
The accusation of 'defensiveness' does seem to be quite trendy at the moment, and could be interpreted as a power play, seeking to diminish the other person, trying to put them back in their box so that they do not have the temerity to defy them again, and blaming them for any tension. I watched The Traitors recently and it was comical how often someone would wrongly accuse another competitor of being a traitor, and then would follow it up with "You are being suspiciously defensive" when they attempted to put the record straight and explain that they were not!