Published on 12, July, 2020
I had an abusive mother. I would describe her as cold, emotionless, hateful, sick and twisted. She would lock me in rooms and tell me to shut up when I was crying. I wish I had a better mum than the one I unfortunately had to be given. I blame her 100% for causing my autism. I will most certainly never forgive her for everything she has done to me. All the opportunities and adventures I missed out on all because of her. Her mother was similar to my mum. She was also cold and emotionless and terrible with children. I never cried when she died over 10 years ago and still haven’t cried since. She is not someone I will ever miss because she means absolutely nothing to me. My mum is unforgivable I used to cry and wish she would just have showed me some love. But now I feel nothing and wish I never had her as my mum because she never did anything for me. In fact all she did was try and ruin my life. Never forgive never forget.
Yep, move on forward, because your life and your freedom are yours, so life your life to the fullest.
Oh sorry to hear that that sounds terrible. Yeh thanks I am trying to forget about them. It’s not easy. You’ve got to move on with your life.
I grew up with abuse as well. Both my older brother and my mother were abusive, but they had different targets in the family. It was physical, mental, and emotional abuse, but I guess I'm grateful that there wasn't anything more than that, like SA. At least they're not evil to that degree.
I've also been locked in rooms like the basement, told to shut up a lot, as well as smacked in the head, bossed around, hit for anything wrong, blamed for everything, manipulated by shame and guilt, punished a lot. I had no rights to speak or give eye contact or say "no," and these things were punishable offenses. I had anxiety, depression, panic attacks, agoraphobia. I just tried to isolate myself as much as possible.
As an adult, I've realized things were never going to change with them. They had the same violent, angry, controlling, tendencies, and I didn't want to be sent to the hospital with a concussion one day, or possibly dead.
They may very well have some kind of brain disorder which causes them to lack empathy, but I'm not waiting for them to be diagnosed with something before I turn my life around. They've shown enough abusive tendencies to warrant the concern of anyone, well, anyone who isn't abusive.
I used to forgive them, I used to care about them, but time and time again, they've shown me that they are always worse than what I gave them credit for. So I've let go of them. I can't change them, I can only change myself. I've recovered from a lot of the trauma, and overall I feel a lot better nowadays.
You did your best as a child to survive that. Your life and your freedom are yours now. I know that there's a lot of negative conditioning that needs to be undone, certain triggers and negative reactions to things that need to be processed, and a lot of bottled up emotions that needs to be given the time to be expressed. But you're on the right track.
I can't (and have no desire) to argue with that YT. Just know that you are valued here. Nite nite.
Thanks for the advice. Yeh I think you’re right about one thing. Maybe my mum didn’t cause my autism all though she caused me many other problems probably worse than autism like anxiety etc. But saying that, I still don’t think autism is genetic though as no one has definitively proven that to be the case. Plus saying autism is genetic in my mind sort of gives her an excuse for why she abuses children.
Yellow tree 118 said:I blame her 100% for causing my autism.
This tells me two things.... 1) you are not thinking soundly at the moment.......2) and you are younger than I.
I'm not defending your mum (she could be Myra Hindley, for all I know) .....and I'm not defending "parents" en mass either (many are damaging hateful entities - I am told) ..... but I am simply defending what AUTISM is.
I am sorry you are so angry. I do know and understand that feeling. I think that, due to my age, I now have a better handle upon it.
I wish you a peaceful night. I wish you some calm reflection.......and I hope my words don't cause you greater anxiety at this time.
With my most sincere best wishes to you Yellow tree,
Number.
Yellow tree 118 said:I was a normal kid and then I changed thanks to my mum damaging me.
So you dont believe you were born autistic?
I wasn’t even awkward until my mum got in the way. I was a normal kid and then I changed thanks to my mum damaging me. I’m still undoing the damage to this day. That’s good that you’re breaking free too.
It's a shame that so many families treated awkward kids, that way. My Nan was similar, but I gave her a good send-off in the end. She didn't have to die in a care home. But it was out of duty, rather than benefit.
People are more concerned about reputation than service. As a result, we lost our sense of connection. The closest woman to a girlfriend I had was similar to gran. She wanted 'Nothing Bad' to happen to me. Which meant I was wrapped in cotton wool. Only now am I breaking free from this mess.