Published on 12, July, 2020
I had an abusive mother. I would describe her as cold, emotionless, hateful, sick and twisted. She would lock me in rooms and tell me to shut up when I was crying. I wish I had a better mum than the one I unfortunately had to be given. I blame her 100% for causing my autism. I will most certainly never forgive her for everything she has done to me. All the opportunities and adventures I missed out on all because of her. Her mother was similar to my mum. She was also cold and emotionless and terrible with children. I never cried when she died over 10 years ago and still haven’t cried since. She is not someone I will ever miss because she means absolutely nothing to me. My mum is unforgivable I used to cry and wish she would just have showed me some love. But now I feel nothing and wish I never had her as my mum because she never did anything for me. In fact all she did was try and ruin my life. Never forgive never forget.
I grew up with abuse as well. Both my older brother and my mother were abusive, but they had different targets in the family. It was physical, mental, and emotional abuse, but I guess I'm grateful that there wasn't anything more than that, like SA. At least they're not evil to that degree.
I've also been locked in rooms like the basement, told to shut up a lot, as well as smacked in the head, bossed around, hit for anything wrong, blamed for everything, manipulated by shame and guilt, punished a lot. I had no rights to speak or give eye contact or say "no," and these things were punishable offenses. I had anxiety, depression, panic attacks, agoraphobia. I just tried to isolate myself as much as possible.
As an adult, I've realized things were never going to change with them. They had the same violent, angry, controlling, tendencies, and I didn't want to be sent to the hospital with a concussion one day, or possibly dead.
They may very well have some kind of brain disorder which causes them to lack empathy, but I'm not waiting for them to be diagnosed with something before I turn my life around. They've shown enough abusive tendencies to warrant the concern of anyone, well, anyone who isn't abusive.
I used to forgive them, I used to care about them, but time and time again, they've shown me that they are always worse than what I gave them credit for. So I've let go of them. I can't change them, I can only change myself. I've recovered from a lot of the trauma, and overall I feel a lot better nowadays.
You did your best as a child to survive that. Your life and your freedom are yours now. I know that there's a lot of negative conditioning that needs to be undone, certain triggers and negative reactions to things that need to be processed, and a lot of bottled up emotions that needs to be given the time to be expressed. But you're on the right track.
Oh sorry to hear that that sounds terrible. Yeh thanks I am trying to forget about them. It’s not easy. You’ve got to move on with your life.
Yep, move on forward, because your life and your freedom are yours, so life your life to the fullest.