Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi I posted on here yesterday something I regret doing. I looked my boyfriend up under Claire’s law. I am consumed with guilt with what I have done. No offences or convictions of violence on him only something he got arrested for years ago which I already knew about that not related to being violent or anything of the sort. I’m in bits over this my boyfriend is extremely hurt by what I’ve done and I want to make things up to him I just don’t know how. I don’t even know why I did what I did we both have autism he always been kind to me never hurt me physically we had out arguments and disagreements but who hasn’t in a relationship. I think he mostly upset with the fact that I went behind my back and did this. How can I make things right how can I get him to trust me again because this is destroying me.
i aint planning to either, im nearly 34 and everyone my age would have slept with 10000 people by now... thats dirty and unhygienic in my opinion.... so i pass on relationships now... unless they can vouch that they are clean and have maybe a database of cleanliness rankings of each person too
You have been badly hurt in the past. You do not want to be hurt in the same way again. There is a law that has been designed specifically to minimise the risk of you being hurt that way. Using it seems both reasonable and logical.
However, I am wondering whether your guilt and apologies may actually make the situation more difficult, because they give the impression that this is about your boyfriend. But from what you have said, it does not seem to be about your boyfriend as an individual at all, for two reasons:
There is only one victim here, and it is not your boyfriend, it is you. You are the one who suffered the abuse. At this stage in your recovery from that experience, you need that extra bit of reassurance. It is nothing personal about your boyfriend, it is simply what you need if you are to open up fully in a relationship at the current time.
I haven't gotten into a new relationship since Claire's Law came into force, and am not planning on being in one again, but I would absolutely encourage people to use it to vet partners of any gender. That's the whole point in having it. If the potential partner got angry about that, I certainly wouldn't be staying with them!
does it give context though?just because a person has a violent event in their past doesnt mean they are a domestic abuser.... they could have been attacked and fought back,... against a drunk man... and got done for violence then... you know men can use this to also check their female partners for the same thing... ofcourse alot of females with violent convictions would have got it likely out of scrapping with another female. so youd check clairs law then see that then dump her assuming its domestic violence against a former partner? lol also how will a woman feel if every male partner just checked her like this? would it be the same understanding or would they be offended at your lack of trust? likely theyd shout at you and say who do you think they are if you checked them for that and would whine at you because theyd think it cant be used against them and they as a woman shouldnt be under any suspicion correct?
Well, that's the point. Everyone thinks "oh I'm sure I'd know if my partner..." and yet time and time again they don't. That's why the law was introduced.
to be fair you should know that before you become their partner...i mean, id not want a partner who has anything to do with drugs... i wont randomly get a partner and only find out they have a drug problem later, it would be obvious dating them what they are like.. i dont need to file a police report against them to ask if they are druggies then have police invading their home and privacy to check for me lmao ...date them, find out that way, if they have any traits you dont like call it off, simple...
You used the law exactly as intended. No one expects their partner to have a history of abuse, so it's a very sensible idea to check. If your partner was a good person, he would be pleased that you looked out for your own safety.
i think the issue is by doing this it showed YOU didnt trust him.... its not about trying to get him to trust you again, he already trusted you.... its about convincing him that you trust him... because by doing this you didnt trust him, you suspected him of being a abuser. that will be always in his mind, he will always think you are uncomfortable with him, that you making that enquiry was a sign that he has done something to make you uncomfortable with him... so he will now be wondering what he has done to make you feel fear or discomfort about him... he will be thinking you dont trust him... that is the issue with this. not about him trusting you but about him thinking you dont trust him or are afraid of him.
I'm not sure that he is in the right here.