What's a typical day like for you?

Luna said:

I volunteered at a library! I love books and a library is such a calm and quiet environment it seemed ideal. I told the lady in charge about my autism and she was so understanding and supportive of it as well so it was a great step to take for me.

Seems like you had a great experience! I love books too! What is your favourite book?

Luna said:

Before Christmas I stopped, I was feeling anxious and tired and a bit uneasy, I'm hoping in the new year I can go back again as I did enjoy it.

Good idea. I hope this works well for you.

In the new year, I will start volunteering as an admin volunteer for Spectrum Gaming. It’s an online gaming community for autistic teenagers which also focuses on other projects such as advocacy for the autistic community and training. It’s all autistic led and neuroaffirming so I am very happy about that! I am really looking forward to it!

My typical day involves singing... listening to music and making YouTube videos. 

I love the idea of volunteering in a library but I would be hopeless as I would not be able to resist stopping to read a book or two. I am pleased you had someone there who understood autism as this makes such a difference.      

Volunteering is exhausting but such a rewarding thing to do. Where did you volunteer? I volunteered at a library! I love books and a library is such a calm and quiet environment it seemed ideal. I told the lady in charge about my autism and she was so understanding and supportive of it as well so it was a great step to take for me.

Before Christmas I stopped, I was feeling anxious and tired and a bit uneasy, I'm hoping in the new year I can go back again as I did enjoy it.

No problem sometimes my posts are littered with typos. These like gremlins sneak in undetected at times

Luna said:

I was volunteering before and I did really enjoy it. I'm hoping I can do it again in the future at some point.

Where did you volunteer? I like volunteering too!

Hello and thank you. I hope you are able to volunteer again at some point. Excuse my spelling! I have just spotted those little examples. 

Hi @LoonyLuna, absolutely no need to apologise. You should not feel obliged to respond to my posts, though I am very glad that you have and thank you for your kind words. I will not be offended if you ignore me in future!

I am a big fan of having a routine. In hindsight, I feel a bit stupid because for a long time I did not realise the extent to which, or why, I was doing it. When I was at university, I had to take a year out between my second and third years due to illness. It was diagnosed as chronic fatigue syndrome, though it seems obvious now that it was a bit more complicated than that, and left me extremely depressed. Initially I would get up when I felt able to, and go out when I had a bit of energy, but if anything I seemed to get worse rather than better. Imposing a routine on myself was essential, forcing me to get up at the same time every day no matter how I felt (something I still do, and oddly once I get past nine hours in bed I end up feeling more rather than less tired!), and go out for a short walk, gradually increasing the length over time. Sometimes having a routine feels like a crutch that I should be able to do without, but it seems to work for me (though I know it is not for everyone). That has been one of my big problems, wishing that I could be normal like everyone else rather than accepting who I am and what I need to do in order to function effectively. These days I have a rowing machine, as keeping reasonably fit has a big impact on my ability to summon up the energy to cope with the world. I probably need to mix it up, so might need to try one of the online dance lessons you mentioned if you can post a link to your favourite!

I share your frustrations regarding not really feeling like you have a purpose. I hoped that work would provide it, and spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that it did or would at some point in the future, but it never really has. I still feel like there is a purpose out there, waiting for me to find it, but work tires me out on the weekdays, and the weekends are largely about recharging the batteries before doing the same thing again, so I never find the time to really think about what that purpose might be. The only thing I find are excuses!

In the absence of a purpose, having something to focus on is really important for me, though something that I have neglected recently. Returning to the previous story, during that year off university, my dad wanted to visit his brother in Chicago, but also was keen to take the opportunity to visit the area around the Grand Canyon whilst over there, so I spent months researching and planning an itinerary. It may seem like quite a minor thing, but having that objective really helped, something on which I could maintain my attention and look forward to. And fortunately, I was well enough to make that trip with my parents in the summer before my third year at university. So the first half of that year off was filled with the darkest of thoughts, and the second half consisted of getting up at a set time, doing a bit of American research, going out for a walk, and watching some afternoon quiz shows with my mum. Oddly, it worked. In some ways I am probably trying to replicate that, endlessly planning things that half of the time I do not do. All that effort waiting to be directed towards my ‘purpose’!

You are probably wondering why I am boring you to death with all of this. I suppose it is partly to say that you are not alone. I have that same feeling of overwhelming tiredness when I try to do anything to break out of my cycle of negativity, at least in part due to the associated anxieties. When I feel like that, I think I end up wanting a guarantee that any energy I do expend will not be wasted, so I stop doing things because everything comes with a risk that it may not work out or ends up feeling pointless. Rather than wasting all of that energy on anxiety and frustration with myself, I am going to attempt to concentrate on enjoying the little things in life, and try some small stuff that may end up being meaningless but at least may help me break out of this inertia. I like thinking about things, and I like ordering my thoughts in writing, so I may try combining the two. Even if no one ever reads my musings, it will give me something on which I can focus, and hopefully will help me to understand better both myself and the world around me, though I am sure that feeling of the pointlessness of the endeavour will still be a constant nagging voice in the back of my head. Maybe not a ‘purpose’, almost certainly nothing of use to anyone, but at least it will be a start. You never know, it might help me to identify that purpose at some point in the future, and if not then at least it will distract me for a while! I think I spend too much time comparing my life to that of others, and feeling inadequate and empty as a result, whereas I need to appreciate what I can do and what works for me. The purpose does not need to be grand, just what is right for me even if others think it is silly (“what did you do at the weekend?”, “oh, just a night out with friends, up early the next morning to walk the Pennine Way, then chilled out on Sunday and built a conservatory onto the house after teaching the kids how to juggle with nine balls, what about you?”, “errr, wrote down some random thoughts that no one will ever read”).

I notice from another thread that you had said life had improved more than you thought possible. That is down to you. You achieved that. It is not surprising that you need a bit of a rest before the next step in your upward trajectory! The bit that I missed out in the earlier story is that after just about getting through my third year at university, I had a relapse and went through the whole thing again the following 12 months. Not pleasant, but I had a few more tools from the previous experience to help me get through it, and I had some ideas about what career I wanted to get into which I spent a lot of time researching so that I had a bit more confidence about what the future might hold once I was feeling a little better. Pity that career did not deliver the ‘purpose’!

Have you any ideas about the type of work/volunteering you would like to do with children? Do they do children’s reading sessions at the library at which you volunteer? I can imagine that sort of thing would be very rewarding to be involved with, and would make a big difference to their young lives.

Thanks for the advice. I will probably go with Wordpress then. I used to have a LiveJournal. When I was much younger.

Thanks. I will definitely need it. Knowing me.

Oh right yeah that makes sense. Sorry I didn't realise.

I only really like partner dancing so I don't think that would work.

Hi InfinitePlanner,

Thanks for replying and sorry for not replying to you a lot sooner. This morning I've devoted time to reply to everyone.

Thank you, yes I do enjoy my activities I get up to but I feel like there's something missing in my life, likely lack of a routine and also I look for my purpose as such but can never work out what it actually is.

Do you enjoy your work? I would like to work, more preferably from home but I'd go out to work if I really had to. I'm not sure what I'd like to do though, or what I even could do. I love children, so maybe something with children would be something I might go for if I could tolerate the chaos and noise lol.

If I had my own home I would never let anyone in either lol. I try not to let people in to my bedroom if I can help it. It's my safe space, a place of peace and solitude.

Lucky you can work at home too  

InfinitePlanner said:

More generally, I feel like I have been regressing in recent years, ending up in a rut where I spend my time staring at a computer screen hoping for some inspiration that will transform my life, rather than actually doing anything. I have come to the conclusion that I have wasted far too much of my time wishing I was more ‘normal’, questioning why I cannot behave like others or want the same things that they do.

This is exactly my problem as well!! I spend so much time, well nearly every day actually, just staring at my phone screen and spending time on here or YouTube and literally just wondering why my life is where it is now and then when I think of doing something I feel too exhausted to do it...

It's a really vicious cycle and it's one I got in seemingly easily but is really difficult to get out off. I have no idea how to get back on track, or how to not think negatively and start living again.

InfinitePlanner said:

Maybe then I will be able to recapture some of the joy in everyday things.

I really truly hope you will be able to enjoy everyday things again life will improve for you. Hopefully 2024 will be YOUR year! You have a positive look and attitude to things and that will definitely work in your favour for sure.

Oh and definitely try brushing your hair  It's very very soothing!

Chris said:

I then get to the weekend burnt out again and wanna stay in all weekend with the curtains closed. I force myself to go walking and being in nature does heal me so that's a positive outdoor experience. 

I'm sorry you feel burnout by the end of the week, it does sound like such a busy week for you... But I'm glad you're able to go out and walk and be surrounded by nature. 

Nature is such a lovely and peaceful place to be. I love being immersed in nature when possible.

Best of luck with that Former Member, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

This all sounds good. Dance class sounds both fun and exhausting. When I was at school I was part of the dance class, me and my only friend were we did that together.

Have you done dance lessons online? There's some really fun and cool ones you can watch and try yourself.

Former Member, 

Good idea on making a routine. Routines are such an important thing for me as well but I struggle to make routines and stick to them now. I don't know if it's my mental health but I remember previous routines and then constantly getting broken and it's made me scared to do new ones.

Your routine sounds great and it's inspired me to possibly giving my own another try as well  

Get a new hobby. Start a blog or a YouTube channel. Learn to juggle. Knit. Something like that! These small things can make a big difference for your outlook. 

I've considered doing YouTube or blogging before so maybe in the new year - tomorrow lol - I will try this for real.

Your kitten must take up a lot of your time Desmond. Bless, I bet she she's lovely! 

What are you studying at uni? 

Rach91 said:

I try to keep myself busy it helps with my depression and anxiety. 

Do you have many hobbies? I find my hobbies help me to feel better when I'm struggling mentally and feeling anxious.

Working from home must be nice. I know it suits a lot of people on the spectrum best, rather than having to go out.