What's a typical day like for you?

Hi @LoonyLuna, I hope you find some contentment and joy in your activities, even if it is not how you imagined life would be, and can gradually work towards some of the things you dreamed of.

I am totally with you on home being a safe space. No one has been in mine for over a decade other than people fixing my heating or delivering a new washing machine! It is so sacrosanct, I fear that letting anyone in would break the spell.

I am in the fortunate position to be employed. I used to go into an office every working day, but since the pandemic have been working mainly at home. We were told recently that we had to make an appearance in person on Fridays, which turned out to be less traumatic than originally anticipated, partly because I roll in late in order to avoid the crowds on the trains! The people that I work with are generally nice, and seem happy to accept me being a bit different to them in exchange for what I can do. But I find it all quite tiring, so do very little in the evenings other than cook my tea and watch a bit of TV.

Otherwise, my days are quite similar to yours, but with less hair brushing. I benefit hugely from a clear structure and routine, and try to go for a walk every morning even if it involves getting drenched. Otherwise, I rarely go anywhere. I managed my first holiday in over a decade in September this year, four days in Devon. It was planned with military precision, which took an eternity! I manage the occasional day-trip to London, as I enjoy the galleries and museums. I have been enough times now to be reasonably comfortable with getting around there, though still struggle with everywhere being so crowded.

More generally, I feel like I have been regressing in recent years, ending up in a rut where I spend my time staring at a computer screen hoping for some inspiration that will transform my life, rather than actually doing anything. I have come to the conclusion that I have wasted far too much of my time wishing I was more ‘normal’, questioning why I cannot behave like others or want the same things that they do. Somewhere along the way, I have lost track of what I enjoy, and look on jealously at people here who have a special interest that gives them immense satisfaction (even though I know that can have its downsides as well). I need to break out of that cycle, and be more accepting of who I am rather than constantly berating myself for what I am not. There are parameters within which I need to work. I can push them a bit, which is good for me, but too far and things start to fall apart. Fundamentally, I just need to be kinder to myself, and challenge this constant feeling of disappointment with who and what I am. Maybe then I will be able to recapture some of the joy in everyday things.

I definitely need something to focus on! I am much more content when I have a clear purpose to the day, rather than having an emptiness that needs filling. I just need to work out what that something is!

Hi InfinitePlanner,

Thanks for replying and sorry for not replying to you a lot sooner. This morning I've devoted time to reply to everyone.

Thank you, yes I do enjoy my activities I get up to but I feel like there's something missing in my life, likely lack of a routine and also I look for my purpose as such but can never work out what it actually is.

Do you enjoy your work? I would like to work, more preferably from home but I'd go out to work if I really had to. I'm not sure what I'd like to do though, or what I even could do. I love children, so maybe something with children would be something I might go for if I could tolerate the chaos and noise lol.

If I had my own home I would never let anyone in either lol. I try not to let people in to my bedroom if I can help it. It's my safe space, a place of peace and solitude.

Lucky you can work at home too  

InfinitePlanner said:

More generally, I feel like I have been regressing in recent years, ending up in a rut where I spend my time staring at a computer screen hoping for some inspiration that will transform my life, rather than actually doing anything. I have come to the conclusion that I have wasted far too much of my time wishing I was more ‘normal’, questioning why I cannot behave like others or want the same things that they do.

This is exactly my problem as well!! I spend so much time, well nearly every day actually, just staring at my phone screen and spending time on here or YouTube and literally just wondering why my life is where it is now and then when I think of doing something I feel too exhausted to do it...

It's a really vicious cycle and it's one I got in seemingly easily but is really difficult to get out off. I have no idea how to get back on track, or how to not think negatively and start living again.

InfinitePlanner said:

Maybe then I will be able to recapture some of the joy in everyday things.

I really truly hope you will be able to enjoy everyday things again life will improve for you. Hopefully 2024 will be YOUR year! You have a positive look and attitude to things and that will definitely work in your favour for sure.

Oh and definitely try brushing your hair  It's very very soothing!

Hi @LoonyLuna, absolutely no need to apologise. You should not feel obliged to respond to my posts, though I am very glad that you have and thank you for your kind words. I will not be offended if you ignore me in future!

I am a big fan of having a routine. In hindsight, I feel a bit stupid because for a long time I did not realise the extent to which, or why, I was doing it. When I was at university, I had to take a year out between my second and third years due to illness. It was diagnosed as chronic fatigue syndrome, though it seems obvious now that it was a bit more complicated than that, and left me extremely depressed. Initially I would get up when I felt able to, and go out when I had a bit of energy, but if anything I seemed to get worse rather than better. Imposing a routine on myself was essential, forcing me to get up at the same time every day no matter how I felt (something I still do, and oddly once I get past nine hours in bed I end up feeling more rather than less tired!), and go out for a short walk, gradually increasing the length over time. Sometimes having a routine feels like a crutch that I should be able to do without, but it seems to work for me (though I know it is not for everyone). That has been one of my big problems, wishing that I could be normal like everyone else rather than accepting who I am and what I need to do in order to function effectively. These days I have a rowing machine, as keeping reasonably fit has a big impact on my ability to summon up the energy to cope with the world. I probably need to mix it up, so might need to try one of the online dance lessons you mentioned if you can post a link to your favourite!

I share your frustrations regarding not really feeling like you have a purpose. I hoped that work would provide it, and spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that it did or would at some point in the future, but it never really has. I still feel like there is a purpose out there, waiting for me to find it, but work tires me out on the weekdays, and the weekends are largely about recharging the batteries before doing the same thing again, so I never find the time to really think about what that purpose might be. The only thing I find are excuses!

In the absence of a purpose, having something to focus on is really important for me, though something that I have neglected recently. Returning to the previous story, during that year off university, my dad wanted to visit his brother in Chicago, but also was keen to take the opportunity to visit the area around the Grand Canyon whilst over there, so I spent months researching and planning an itinerary. It may seem like quite a minor thing, but having that objective really helped, something on which I could maintain my attention and look forward to. And fortunately, I was well enough to make that trip with my parents in the summer before my third year at university. So the first half of that year off was filled with the darkest of thoughts, and the second half consisted of getting up at a set time, doing a bit of American research, going out for a walk, and watching some afternoon quiz shows with my mum. Oddly, it worked. In some ways I am probably trying to replicate that, endlessly planning things that half of the time I do not do. All that effort waiting to be directed towards my ‘purpose’!

You are probably wondering why I am boring you to death with all of this. I suppose it is partly to say that you are not alone. I have that same feeling of overwhelming tiredness when I try to do anything to break out of my cycle of negativity, at least in part due to the associated anxieties. When I feel like that, I think I end up wanting a guarantee that any energy I do expend will not be wasted, so I stop doing things because everything comes with a risk that it may not work out or ends up feeling pointless. Rather than wasting all of that energy on anxiety and frustration with myself, I am going to attempt to concentrate on enjoying the little things in life, and try some small stuff that may end up being meaningless but at least may help me break out of this inertia. I like thinking about things, and I like ordering my thoughts in writing, so I may try combining the two. Even if no one ever reads my musings, it will give me something on which I can focus, and hopefully will help me to understand better both myself and the world around me, though I am sure that feeling of the pointlessness of the endeavour will still be a constant nagging voice in the back of my head. Maybe not a ‘purpose’, almost certainly nothing of use to anyone, but at least it will be a start. You never know, it might help me to identify that purpose at some point in the future, and if not then at least it will distract me for a while! I think I spend too much time comparing my life to that of others, and feeling inadequate and empty as a result, whereas I need to appreciate what I can do and what works for me. The purpose does not need to be grand, just what is right for me even if others think it is silly (“what did you do at the weekend?”, “oh, just a night out with friends, up early the next morning to walk the Pennine Way, then chilled out on Sunday and built a conservatory onto the house after teaching the kids how to juggle with nine balls, what about you?”, “errr, wrote down some random thoughts that no one will ever read”).

I notice from another thread that you had said life had improved more than you thought possible. That is down to you. You achieved that. It is not surprising that you need a bit of a rest before the next step in your upward trajectory! The bit that I missed out in the earlier story is that after just about getting through my third year at university, I had a relapse and went through the whole thing again the following 12 months. Not pleasant, but I had a few more tools from the previous experience to help me get through it, and I had some ideas about what career I wanted to get into which I spent a lot of time researching so that I had a bit more confidence about what the future might hold once I was feeling a little better. Pity that career did not deliver the ‘purpose’!

Have you any ideas about the type of work/volunteering you would like to do with children? Do they do children’s reading sessions at the library at which you volunteer? I can imagine that sort of thing would be very rewarding to be involved with, and would make a big difference to their young lives.

Hi @LoonyLuna, absolutely no need to apologise. You should not feel obliged to respond to my posts, though I am very glad that you have and thank you for your kind words. I will not be offended if you ignore me in future!

I am a big fan of having a routine. In hindsight, I feel a bit stupid because for a long time I did not realise the extent to which, or why, I was doing it. When I was at university, I had to take a year out between my second and third years due to illness. It was diagnosed as chronic fatigue syndrome, though it seems obvious now that it was a bit more complicated than that, and left me extremely depressed. Initially I would get up when I felt able to, and go out when I had a bit of energy, but if anything I seemed to get worse rather than better. Imposing a routine on myself was essential, forcing me to get up at the same time every day no matter how I felt (something I still do, and oddly once I get past nine hours in bed I end up feeling more rather than less tired!), and go out for a short walk, gradually increasing the length over time. Sometimes having a routine feels like a crutch that I should be able to do without, but it seems to work for me (though I know it is not for everyone). That has been one of my big problems, wishing that I could be normal like everyone else rather than accepting who I am and what I need to do in order to function effectively. These days I have a rowing machine, as keeping reasonably fit has a big impact on my ability to summon up the energy to cope with the world. I probably need to mix it up, so might need to try one of the online dance lessons you mentioned if you can post a link to your favourite!

I share your frustrations regarding not really feeling like you have a purpose. I hoped that work would provide it, and spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that it did or would at some point in the future, but it never really has. I still feel like there is a purpose out there, waiting for me to find it, but work tires me out on the weekdays, and the weekends are largely about recharging the batteries before doing the same thing again, so I never find the time to really think about what that purpose might be. The only thing I find are excuses!

In the absence of a purpose, having something to focus on is really important for me, though something that I have neglected recently. Returning to the previous story, during that year off university, my dad wanted to visit his brother in Chicago, but also was keen to take the opportunity to visit the area around the Grand Canyon whilst over there, so I spent months researching and planning an itinerary. It may seem like quite a minor thing, but having that objective really helped, something on which I could maintain my attention and look forward to. And fortunately, I was well enough to make that trip with my parents in the summer before my third year at university. So the first half of that year off was filled with the darkest of thoughts, and the second half consisted of getting up at a set time, doing a bit of American research, going out for a walk, and watching some afternoon quiz shows with my mum. Oddly, it worked. In some ways I am probably trying to replicate that, endlessly planning things that half of the time I do not do. All that effort waiting to be directed towards my ‘purpose’!

You are probably wondering why I am boring you to death with all of this. I suppose it is partly to say that you are not alone. I have that same feeling of overwhelming tiredness when I try to do anything to break out of my cycle of negativity, at least in part due to the associated anxieties. When I feel like that, I think I end up wanting a guarantee that any energy I do expend will not be wasted, so I stop doing things because everything comes with a risk that it may not work out or ends up feeling pointless. Rather than wasting all of that energy on anxiety and frustration with myself, I am going to attempt to concentrate on enjoying the little things in life, and try some small stuff that may end up being meaningless but at least may help me break out of this inertia. I like thinking about things, and I like ordering my thoughts in writing, so I may try combining the two. Even if no one ever reads my musings, it will give me something on which I can focus, and hopefully will help me to understand better both myself and the world around me, though I am sure that feeling of the pointlessness of the endeavour will still be a constant nagging voice in the back of my head. Maybe not a ‘purpose’, almost certainly nothing of use to anyone, but at least it will be a start. You never know, it might help me to identify that purpose at some point in the future, and if not then at least it will distract me for a while! I think I spend too much time comparing my life to that of others, and feeling inadequate and empty as a result, whereas I need to appreciate what I can do and what works for me. The purpose does not need to be grand, just what is right for me even if others think it is silly (“what did you do at the weekend?”, “oh, just a night out with friends, up early the next morning to walk the Pennine Way, then chilled out on Sunday and built a conservatory onto the house after teaching the kids how to juggle with nine balls, what about you?”, “errr, wrote down some random thoughts that no one will ever read”).

I notice from another thread that you had said life had improved more than you thought possible. That is down to you. You achieved that. It is not surprising that you need a bit of a rest before the next step in your upward trajectory! The bit that I missed out in the earlier story is that after just about getting through my third year at university, I had a relapse and went through the whole thing again the following 12 months. Not pleasant, but I had a few more tools from the previous experience to help me get through it, and I had some ideas about what career I wanted to get into which I spent a lot of time researching so that I had a bit more confidence about what the future might hold once I was feeling a little better. Pity that career did not deliver the ‘purpose’!

Have you any ideas about the type of work/volunteering you would like to do with children? Do they do children’s reading sessions at the library at which you volunteer? I can imagine that sort of thing would be very rewarding to be involved with, and would make a big difference to their young lives.