Published on 12, July, 2020
Tonight I went out with work colleagues for drinks and dinner. This was my first “night out” in a very long time indeed (at least a year).
I knew all the people well except for the partner of one of my colleagues, who I hadn’t met before.
But I was completely unable to mask, despite having done so for years. I was stiff and formal and weird, not the person I would normally be in this situation. So much so that my colleague’s partner seemed to almost take things in hand to look after me. I honestly felt she realised I was autistic and was lovely about it.
But I’m quite distressed at my complete loss of masking. Is this because I haven’t been out for a long time? Because I’ve now had my diagnosis and have changed as a result?
Have any of you experienced a complete loss of masking like this?
You’re right that practice might improve things but it was shocking to effectively discover that all my hard won social skills simply weren’t available any more.
The restaurant was very unfamiliar to me (a seafood restaurant) and I felt I didn’t understand what was going on.
Also, the reason we went out was that we had been at a work conference together during the day and I had a near meltdown in public - I suddenly couldn’t hear properly because everyone’s voices were overlapping and I thought i was going to have a panic attack.
So I suppose tiredness, stress, alcohol and a strange environment may just have got the better of me.
It’s possible. I was in an unfamiliar situation with at least one unfamiliar person and I had no applicable mental model so i didn’t know what to do. Perhaps minimising any kind of behaviour at all was an unconscious attempt at avoiding mistakes.
It was very unpleasant though.
Hi. I think I know what you mean and was going to ask the same question. I was diagnosed a few weeks ago and I have been wondering whether it's somehow given me permission to just let everything go in terms of masking.
Like you I don't go out much, and I haven't worked in seven years so am pretty isolated aside from interacting with my husband, some of his work colleagues (as we live where he works, so I have limited exposure to them) and people who address me when I'm walking my dogs. So I too wonder whether I've just lost the knack, but also like you I'm quite shocked at how suddenly I just can't seem do it anymore!
My real moments have been when I feel challenged, like waiting in the hospital this week for an appointment that wasn't happening on time. Once I might have been able to tell myself to sit still etc. Not make a fuss - I was brought up to be quiet and 'shut down' I guess. But after the hour that I'd pre-decided was a reasonable wait, I really couldn't hold it together and my husband had to put headphones on me with Abba playing loud! But after another half hour we had to just leave before he'd got his consult because I was too agitated. It was going dark and my dogs were at home.
So maybe we both might still be able to do it, with some practice in less pressured situations, though right now I am feeling a lot of relief in not even trying, tbh. After so long I actually need not to pretend until I feel more centred and with some energy. Who knows that might never happen? But I guess there's help if we need to do it for practical reasons such as getting a job or keeping a job. Right now I can't imagine being able to do that again in my life.
Amerantin (former member) said: I was stiff and formal
That sounds like a different form of masking, rather than unmasking. I think that you were too uncomfortable to be able to rely on your 'sociable mask', for want of a better term, so fell back on a very formal mask. If you are very formal and reserved, you are unlikely to make any social faux pas whatsoever, so you are safer.
It’s rare but sometimes for me it goes in the exact opposite direction. If I’m having a really good time, if life is great, if I’m in a moment of joy and pure bliss I just start blurting out my inner monologue without any kind of filter whatsoever. I mean I normally don’t have much of a filter but it’s like I imagine someone could be if they are really drunk. Like I might blurt out something on the lines of “wouldn’t it be funny if …” and the day after someone tells me that I managed to freak everyone at the table out by discussing some ‘horrific’ scenario like suggesting a set of rules for nude Nerf dart battles.
I have, its a strange experience but over time youll end up finding it hard to mask at all. Which could be good or bad depending on how you look at it. Good because you arent spending all your energy on masking and you also let people see who you really are. But it could be bad for things like a job interview, but thats more of a problem on how society is set up and not because of what unmasking is.
Apologies if this is not right response. I just dont understand your issue with this. please give more info
I not get!!
Only one of the people there knew I was autistic (as far as I know!) but I’ve been masking in social situations for so many years that I felt almost naked and disabled tonight. I just could not mask.
God!!!! you had a positive reaction from someone that had not met you before. Did she know you are autistic? (-and, not sure that your regular mates are aware of your autism??). You are in a good position mate. I don`t quite know what your issue is with???.....I have masked so long that I am not sure how to do other than!!