Published on 12, July, 2020
Tonight I went out with work colleagues for drinks and dinner. This was my first “night out” in a very long time indeed (at least a year).
I knew all the people well except for the partner of one of my colleagues, who I hadn’t met before.
But I was completely unable to mask, despite having done so for years. I was stiff and formal and weird, not the person I would normally be in this situation. So much so that my colleague’s partner seemed to almost take things in hand to look after me. I honestly felt she realised I was autistic and was lovely about it.
But I’m quite distressed at my complete loss of masking. Is this because I haven’t been out for a long time? Because I’ve now had my diagnosis and have changed as a result?
Have any of you experienced a complete loss of masking like this?
Hi. I think I know what you mean and was going to ask the same question. I was diagnosed a few weeks ago and I have been wondering whether it's somehow given me permission to just let everything go in terms of masking.
Like you I don't go out much, and I haven't worked in seven years so am pretty isolated aside from interacting with my husband, some of his work colleagues (as we live where he works, so I have limited exposure to them) and people who address me when I'm walking my dogs. So I too wonder whether I've just lost the knack, but also like you I'm quite shocked at how suddenly I just can't seem do it anymore!
My real moments have been when I feel challenged, like waiting in the hospital this week for an appointment that wasn't happening on time. Once I might have been able to tell myself to sit still etc. Not make a fuss - I was brought up to be quiet and 'shut down' I guess. But after the hour that I'd pre-decided was a reasonable wait, I really couldn't hold it together and my husband had to put headphones on me with Abba playing loud! But after another half hour we had to just leave before he'd got his consult because I was too agitated. It was going dark and my dogs were at home.
So maybe we both might still be able to do it, with some practice in less pressured situations, though right now I am feeling a lot of relief in not even trying, tbh. After so long I actually need not to pretend until I feel more centred and with some energy. Who knows that might never happen? But I guess there's help if we need to do it for practical reasons such as getting a job or keeping a job. Right now I can't imagine being able to do that again in my life.
You’re right that practice might improve things but it was shocking to effectively discover that all my hard won social skills simply weren’t available any more.
The restaurant was very unfamiliar to me (a seafood restaurant) and I felt I didn’t understand what was going on.
Also, the reason we went out was that we had been at a work conference together during the day and I had a near meltdown in public - I suddenly couldn’t hear properly because everyone’s voices were overlapping and I thought i was going to have a panic attack.
So I suppose tiredness, stress, alcohol and a strange environment may just have got the better of me.