Published on 12, July, 2020
Tonight I went out with work colleagues for drinks and dinner. This was my first “night out” in a very long time indeed (at least a year).
I knew all the people well except for the partner of one of my colleagues, who I hadn’t met before.
But I was completely unable to mask, despite having done so for years. I was stiff and formal and weird, not the person I would normally be in this situation. So much so that my colleague’s partner seemed to almost take things in hand to look after me. I honestly felt she realised I was autistic and was lovely about it.
But I’m quite distressed at my complete loss of masking. Is this because I haven’t been out for a long time? Because I’ve now had my diagnosis and have changed as a result?
Have any of you experienced a complete loss of masking like this?
It’s rare but sometimes for me it goes in the exact opposite direction. If I’m having a really good time, if life is great, if I’m in a moment of joy and pure bliss I just start blurting out my inner monologue without any kind of filter whatsoever. I mean I normally don’t have much of a filter but it’s like I imagine someone could be if they are really drunk. Like I might blurt out something on the lines of “wouldn’t it be funny if …” and the day after someone tells me that I managed to freak everyone at the table out by discussing some ‘horrific’ scenario like suggesting a set of rules for nude Nerf dart battles.