ESA actually listened... So what now?

My friend keeps telling me how good I am at supporting her autistic son with homework, keeping him regulated etc. Maybe there's something in that... I definitely know I want to do something useful with my time. 

I think you can do some permitted work up to 16 hours or up to something like 160 pounds per week. Its considered as therapeutic work. I think it takes the pressure off a little whilst feeling some benefits of going to work, routine, company, using skills etc. and allows to work in a less stressful job.....

I've had every mental health support service say that too be for 25 years. I  could see through all the strategies that were supposed to help anxiety/depression. the strategies never worked because it was always sensory/dysregulation not anxiety and depression. They refused to consider autism despite my asking, because I have female biology. I've got letters saying I'm "too complex" for therapy based services, but community support won't accept me because I can't meet them in the nearest town due to my difficulties. 

Now, because I went right to choose after being on the NHS list for 5 years, they won't support me because they didn't diagnose. Even EMDR wouldn't offer accomodations for sessions so after the 5th apt of me having a meltdown about going in they discharged me. Hence why I'm so amazed ESA actually listened. No-one has before. 

im amazed benefits even cover it then as i said rent is insane these days

No I rent. 

Max has left the platform (them/they) said:

I finally admitted to how violent and frequent my meltdowns are and have always been. I didn't admit it before because I was afraid of being sectioned they are that bad. 

This reminds me of a time a few years ago, where a local mental health charity asked me to fill out an online mental health questionnaire to see if I qualified for their help.  After I completed the questionnaire, their conclusion was that I was beyond the type of help they were offering and I should seek professional help.

you must own your home then because i doubt any benefot can afford to pay rent these days?
rent these days is insanely out of control, higher than monthly wage gets you most areas now.

I mostly try to get better. I hope that I'll learn to cope at some point and then I can life again. It's kinda my full time job. 

Until the last big burnout I didn't think I could live on benefits either. If I hadn't got into the support group I'd have been unable to pay the bills from about January next year.I have nothing to my name. I'm ok with that. I am not interested in belongings, holidays, trips out, TV packages. I only leave the house to walk the dog. The benefits literally just pay the bills. But at least I don't have the job centre on my back now.

I stopped being able to cope after I lost my mum. I had no concept of how much she did for me until she stroked back into childhood and no longer knows anyone.  Without her I have no support, she kept my life in order while I solely focused on work.

But I'd rather be in poverty than having multiple violent meltdowns in the loo daily and being criticized for all the errors I make despite 100% effort which has been the case since school.i don't feel good about being unfit for work, actually I really struggle with the concept. ESA is just the best that could happen in my current situation. 

I do not understand what's wrong with pip assessors. Literally the only difference between the applications was I finally admitted to how violent and frequent my meltdowns are and have always been. I didn't admit it before because I was afraid of being sectioned they are that bad.  My letter made it clear it was all my problem, as soon as I suspected autism I told them and they put me on performance review for communication issues. I've got a reconsideration in with pip now. I'm hoping the ESA result will swing in my favour. 

i dunno it will always be there the need for work as no amount of benefits can pay for anyones life really, which is how its designed, benefits are designed to make it so it doesnt fully cover life so it incentivises people/forces people to get a job. so id never be without that requirement to have a job to exist. unless i rob a bank, then id get rich off it or go to prison and not need to bother about the cost of existing.

Max has left the platform (them/they) said:

It's the same stuff I've been telling pip for years and they kept saying "because you're employed you can't have these difficulties" . Well I was fired on health grounds in February , according to the dismissal letter I'm" not managing my autism diagnosis well

Lucky you.

I was fired from a job because of my 'difficulties' which were spelled out in detail in my dismissal letter, yet my pip application ignored everything and gave me zero points.  

I can sort of relate to some of the things you have said in your post. In my case, I had spent years battling with the DWP to take me seriously, so although it was a relief when it actually happened, it took me a while to feel like I could start to relax and stop feeling like I was fighting one battle after another.

If you have inexpensive hobbies that you find therapeutic, then this is your opportunity to immerse yourself in those hobbies, or maybe even pursue a new hobby that you might not have previously considered or had time for. Spending time devoted to my hobbies is how I like to spend my time when I'm feeling up to it.