What do you consider a good apology?

That's really good :) 

I agree with this and as you said HM following up at a later point shows sincerity x

Never say. I'm sorry BUT

Start by acknowledging the offense. (Use the terms I feel I think. Never YOUl

Then give a sincere apology

(eye contact preferable but not necessary in our case!)

I probably am beginning to make myself ill through the overthinking even though I feel I need to be sure. 

I'm glad that you are constructively keeping your cogs going....just because over thinking things can be bad....complex matters do require a lot of thinking.

Stay well.

I hear you. Sorry for the late response, I'd been thinking about it a lot. Particularly what Bees said about it holding me back, but I guess I'm really having to rid myself of these expectations first.

I'm trying to keep it out of my mind for a while but I feel I'm coming close to sending it, then I tell myself to wait until I have something to fall back on.

I know I'm not the same person as I was then but I'm still thinking of those strangers on Twitter who made all these personal comments that had nothing to do with actually holding me accountable. When someone tells me that I "need to have my hard drive checked", I know what they're implying. I was horrified but I knew I couldn't actually do anything. I just had to take it.

All I can do is be honest about who I am now (I don't know if that's something I should add to the messages) but I think I'm just taking a more pessimistic view of the whole thing.

I know it's making me ill (or is going to) but part of me feels the sheer gravity of the situation justifies it. I'm amazed I even have a small selection of people (one of whom saw everything) even willing to speak to me, including my therapist - part of me almost wishes that they'd cut me off too because it's what I deserve.

I know I'm far down the rabbit hole with this and it's not doing me much good. I don't know if it makes that much of a difference if I send it now vs if I send it two months from now, but if the latter does less damage (irrespective of a reply or not) then so be it.

You might just have to chalk this one down to "if you don't try you'll never know" if the not knowing is what is stopping you from a route forwards, but regardless of whether they accept the apologies or not you will have to draw a line under it and say no more to beating yourself up eitherway because even if they do forgive you it won't do any good if you still can't forgive yourself. At the end of the day you know it was a mistake and you intended no harm and if you're not just making the same mistake over and over then it isn't indicative of your morals, it doesn't make you a bad person because you messed up.

Some days I feel more prepared to forgive myself and other days I can't. I feel like I'm still being punished on a daily basis.

I do think they're as good as they can be (bar perhaps a few more uses of "I'm sorry" or "I apologise" but I have one use of both) but I'm convinced that even if the timing is slightly wrong (which I can't predict entirely anyway) it'll make things much worse.

I think you have to stop flagellating yourself eventually and the sooner the better (and healthier). IMO the thing to do now is when you feel a bit more brave if the apologies are as good as you think they can be then send them, and whatever comes of it hold your head high in the fact that at least you tried. Eitherway you need to forgive yourself and move on.

HMO said:

It's like I need permission to move forward

.....ok, so that permission MUST come from you !!  If you rely (hopefully) on others doing this, you might be stuck where you are forever !!  This is precisely what I am worried about for you.

HMO said:

I have been very resistant to make new friends

.....so I was very resistant from seeing/interacting with ANYONE....because I felt toxic and dangerous.

Anyhow, I've splurged some of my reality and experience upon you.....and I'm very glad not to have been slapped down for butting in where not required.

I wish you all the best mate.

No worries at all. They were justifiably angry, as were thousands of people online. Would they still be angry to the same extent? The total stranger telling me "this will never be forgotten" at the time suggests that they're probably still talking about me, trying to find out where I am on the internet, ready to share screenshots of my past mistakes the moment I'm visible again. They might as well dox me at this point because there's not much they can take from me.

In case it isn't obvious, it has been a very difficult time and entirely self-inflicted. The people I intend to send these to were people who liked me before I scared them off. That also applies to everyone I've ever known. I have been very resistant to make new friends because I'm still grieving the lose of these ones. I feel I want closure of sorts, either way, but I need to time it perfectly.

I've tried to give them space. I've given myself space. However, I'm still very much on thin ice. My emotions are so heightened just about anything brings up anger and resentment in me. I want to lash out pretty much all the time. I'm trying to stay occupied and utilise therapy for processing things but I feel I have little control over my life. It's like I need permission to move forward because I do believe that until I'm dead in the ground, this will never end. The guilt, the shame, the damage I caused. I didn't know any better but it's no excuse. 

Sorry, it's been really difficult. I think I'll eventually get to a stage where I can send those off expecting nothing back.

Morning HMO25,

TRIGGER WARNING.

So to be explicit about the context and rationalisation for what I speak of, I would like to establish just three things =

(1) I don't know what happened in the first place that has led you to this place, and nor is my comment below requiring that clarification in any way......what I am to say relates solely to you and how I perceive your current state of "oneness of being."

(2) I have found myself to be where you currently appear to be, in my past.  It was dreadful!  Like you, I felt obligated and compelled to "set things straight."

(3) What do I know anyway?  It's not like I know how to handle such situations well - I just had one that "feels" like what you are going through.  However, I do have a very strong drive to try and "help" if ever I can.  It is a blessing and a curse.  Please know that my comment below is bursting with good intention, and I apologise in advance if this is NOT what you need to hear right now.  I'm autistic.....and can get this type of sh it wrong.

So, down to business........I think you might be falling foul of feeling a need to seek closure on this matter before YOU are ready to do so.  I think it is wise for you to establish closure of the matter for YOURself, before trying to bring apology and restitution for everybody.  I would emphasis that I am only going on my perception of the things you have said publicly in this place......and note that, in this regard, you say above "i don't think I'm quite prepared for the outcome not being what I want."  I am scared for you......that this could still knock you very sideways!  I am worried for your well being.

So, with my matters of a similar nature, I thought I was prepared for any possible outcome......except the one I got = utter disinterest / everything and everyone had moved on / nobody cared.  It was a non-event - I was wished well, but no closure was achieved "amongst the group."  "They" had achieved closure long before, and had no interest nor desire to re-think matters again.  I was politely excused.  Nothing had changed - I was left on my own - it was harder than it was before - I got through it, but only because of outstanding support.

Overthinking intractable situations is a horrible situation to be in.  Being told that nobody even cares about that intractable situation NOW - is even worse again.

All I am saying, is be careful to find yourself properly centred, before you expose yourself to "releasing" your self-confessed overthinking on people whom are presumed to be "justifiably" hostile towards you, at best.  I wish I had given MYSELF more thought, rather than wishing 'rationalisations' and 'exquisitely worded apologies' on people who, frankly, simply didn't care at all.  Perhaps I was just unlucky in my experience, but it is worth bearing in mind for your "preparedness"?

Like I say - this is intended to be helpful......and I am genuinely sorry if it is not.

Kindest regards

Number.

I still look at them occasionally to see if there's any important things I can add, but yeah I think you're right. I have little control over my emotions currently and it would probably not be a very good time to do it.

That sounds like a good plan.

You've done everything you can at this stage. You have the messages prepared and a plan about when to send them. Now you can focus your mind on other things.

Hopefully by the time you come back to the messages in late December you will have less of an emotional response to them.

I don't want to let my emotions get the better of me and send them at a time where I'll come to regret it afterwards.

I was thinking the period between Xmas or New Year maybe.

Love that meme, so accurate!

Towards the end of the year might not be a bad idea, as the recipients may be looking forwards rather than backwards. They may be more willing to put the events of this year behind them and make a fresh start in the new year.

See if you can put the messages out of your mind for the next few weeks and then look at them afresh just before sending.

Just to pick up on this again. I've gotten some apology messages together to a level I'm happy with. I feel they tick the boxes of a 'good' apology.

It has been 6 months. I want to go into it with no expectations but I don't think I'm quite prepared for the outcome not being what I want.

I mean, I'll definitely do it before the year is out, cos if it is the end I'd rather it be the case this year. I guess I feel like I need to get control of my emotions and get a job first - not only will I have more to talk about should the opportunity arise but it will be less like I'm 'relying' on this.

I know I'm overthinking it.

That sounds undeniably sensible to me mate...it's a reasonable guess by any measure.

Oh absolutely. I don’t take demands from anyone I don’t respect, nor do give more than one explanation to any one person, usually I give an abuser of my nature three unprompted-attempts to punish themselves. You could say that makes me a pushover and it does, but it also makes my own execution-of-justice all the more reasonable, in the eyes of my peers anyway.

My dignity is no one’s punching-bag, I prefer to be the punching-bag, at least until it’s time not to be..