What do you consider a good apology?

I was fired up last night (which continued on to this morning) and decided to type up some apology 'letters' for the friends that I let down and hurt. I just put all my feelings down and didn't let myself get bogged down by grammar and sentence structure in the way I would have done in the past. I've talked about how bad I felt, the things I realise were hurtful to them and how much I want to do better.

I tried to approach it from a perspective of "I'll write this to get my feelings down but I won't send it". Maybe I will one day, but I do fear that it will make things worse.

I reached out to a few a couple months ago but didn't hear back. Probably because the message I wrote was so pathetically vague that it didn't display any actual learning. It was literally me going "I really valued our friendship and would be keen to have a conversation".

For you as an individual, what do you consider to be an apology that you would accept? 

Parents
  • Just to pick up on this again. I've gotten some apology messages together to a level I'm happy with. I feel they tick the boxes of a 'good' apology.

    It has been 6 months. I want to go into it with no expectations but I don't think I'm quite prepared for the outcome not being what I want.

    I mean, I'll definitely do it before the year is out, cos if it is the end I'd rather it be the case this year. I guess I feel like I need to get control of my emotions and get a job first - not only will I have more to talk about should the opportunity arise but it will be less like I'm 'relying' on this.

    I know I'm overthinking it.

Reply
  • Just to pick up on this again. I've gotten some apology messages together to a level I'm happy with. I feel they tick the boxes of a 'good' apology.

    It has been 6 months. I want to go into it with no expectations but I don't think I'm quite prepared for the outcome not being what I want.

    I mean, I'll definitely do it before the year is out, cos if it is the end I'd rather it be the case this year. I guess I feel like I need to get control of my emotions and get a job first - not only will I have more to talk about should the opportunity arise but it will be less like I'm 'relying' on this.

    I know I'm overthinking it.

Children
  • Morning HMO25,

    TRIGGER WARNING.

    So to be explicit about the context and rationalisation for what I speak of, I would like to establish just three things =

    (1) I don't know what happened in the first place that has led you to this place, and nor is my comment below requiring that clarification in any way......what I am to say relates solely to you and how I perceive your current state of "oneness of being."

    (2) I have found myself to be where you currently appear to be, in my past.  It was dreadful!  Like you, I felt obligated and compelled to "set things straight."

    (3) What do I know anyway?  It's not like I know how to handle such situations well - I just had one that "feels" like what you are going through.  However, I do have a very strong drive to try and "help" if ever I can.  It is a blessing and a curse.  Please know that my comment below is bursting with good intention, and I apologise in advance if this is NOT what you need to hear right now.  I'm autistic.....and can get this type of sh it wrong.

    So, down to business........I think you might be falling foul of feeling a need to seek closure on this matter before YOU are ready to do so.  I think it is wise for you to establish closure of the matter for YOURself, before trying to bring apology and restitution for everybody.  I would emphasis that I am only going on my perception of the things you have said publicly in this place......and note that, in this regard, you say above "i don't think I'm quite prepared for the outcome not being what I want."  I am scared for you......that this could still knock you very sideways!  I am worried for your well being.

    So, with my matters of a similar nature, I thought I was prepared for any possible outcome......except the one I got = utter disinterest / everything and everyone had moved on / nobody cared.  It was a non-event - I was wished well, but no closure was achieved "amongst the group."  "They" had achieved closure long before, and had no interest nor desire to re-think matters again.  I was politely excused.  Nothing had changed - I was left on my own - it was harder than it was before - I got through it, but only because of outstanding support.

    Overthinking intractable situations is a horrible situation to be in.  Being told that nobody even cares about that intractable situation NOW - is even worse again.

    All I am saying, is be careful to find yourself properly centred, before you expose yourself to "releasing" your self-confessed overthinking on people whom are presumed to be "justifiably" hostile towards you, at best.  I wish I had given MYSELF more thought, rather than wishing 'rationalisations' and 'exquisitely worded apologies' on people who, frankly, simply didn't care at all.  Perhaps I was just unlucky in my experience, but it is worth bearing in mind for your "preparedness"?

    Like I say - this is intended to be helpful......and I am genuinely sorry if it is not.

    Kindest regards

    Number.

  • Towards the end of the year might not be a bad idea, as the recipients may be looking forwards rather than backwards. They may be more willing to put the events of this year behind them and make a fresh start in the new year.

    See if you can put the messages out of your mind for the next few weeks and then look at them afresh just before sending.