How do you know when a connection has fizzled out?

It sounds as though you're working hard at this. Do remember though, that it's not all up to you - it's good to reach out to people, good to offer support, if you can - but others should do the same for you, and you should expect that they will, when you need them to - because friendships should exist in a reciprocal balance, more or less. 

You deserve good friends, and to be a good friend - as does everyone.

I always put myself in that position of "I need to be the one who reaches out, checks in on people" and "don't be so entitled" kind of thing.

It's hard to judge if someone doesn't want to talk or they *can't* because they're struggling. One person (who was a best friend at the time) said that they were depressed and that's why they went dark - although from what they've said since, it does seem like they were actually keeping their distance because they weren't feeling it anymore.

I am trying to be less mechanical with friendships and to not overthink things. Go with the flow and all that. That's what I'm focusing on in therapy because I know if I just do all of those things again, I'll continue to mess things up.

HMO said:

Yeah, I just wish it was more straightforward

Yeah, I get that - but in a case where people simply don't want to talk to you, they're unlikely to say so, unless they think they have no other option. Most people want to avoid awkward conversations or confrontation - ghosting is a very common strategy for achieving that. 

It's just recognising when you should leave it - the second message is my point of leaving it. I think it helps to let go of the process, let things unfold, be more reflexive - which is not to say that any of that is easy! 

The flip side to that is if the connections are strong enough, it'll work out. 

I ended up in a similar situation as recently as a year or two ago. There were like 30 people I considered friends even though only a very small number of those, when I delve into it now, actually felt like they were.

I was overloading myself for no real reason, other than the fact I wanted those connections. I overcorrected.

I guess I realise now what's important to me, and a fleeting positive interaction is nice but not as valuable as a deeper connection.

As a kid I had a massive social circle (I listed 108 "friends"at one point!) simply by doing the right things (after reading the book I reccommend in my bio to learn "how it works") and I kept it going by making myself less available the moment I felt people were tiring of me.

I used to get off my backside and "go visiting" on my motorbike when I fancied social interaction without prearranging it. I got very good at recognising when people were less keen to let me in, and saving them from having to articulalte it.

I saw a "win" for me was visiting people who were pleased to see me. 

Of course the "socialisation" was all superfical crap which I was managing, like a gardener manages his garden, and I grew bored of being "entertainment" in my thirties.

Yeah, I just wish it was more straightforward. I knew many people who weren't ones for checking messages from anyone (or so they told me).

If people don't reply to messages, this you can know for sure - you're not their top priority. It doesn't necessarily mean that they don't like you, just that they've got other things on which are more important to them than you. 

I used to worry a lot about it, if I didn't hear from people, that it was me, something I said, didn't say.... ?

Experience has taught me that mostly, that was wasted energy - you can't really control or take responsibility for what others do - only what you do. 

If someone doesn't reply to a message,, well,, I might try again. If they still don't, I won't. 

I've found it best to foster self-value, live according to my ethics and, let others do the same. 

The light changes colour on my router...

mate. I completely understand where you are coming from. I, too, struggle with the amount of pressure of interest, if there are no clear guidlelines in a relationship. I am still trying to figure that one out....If anyone else can give any pointers please feel free

It does. If I was occupying myself better I might have managed it better, because I used to spend all day on social media almost.

I do get overexcited and I'm trying to be more aware of it.

I'm glad that things turned out okay. It probably would have tortured me if I went that long, I'd have probably given up.

Which isn't too bad because it would have allowed me to reduce expectations.

It can be hard to hold back when you really want to connect with someone but they are not replying- i also have to hold back to give the other person space and it’s not easy- but it does get better especially when you realise that your friends will get back to you eventually 

Yes for my friend and I the gap in communication was over a year which was very long and even before then it was infrequent. It was clear it wasn’t going to be the same anymore when she moved to US (we used to see each other most days at uni) but it was still a long gap. But it turns out we are indeed still friends :) I suspect she is autistic too

I had some friends where we had a continuous conversation type thing going on.

I send a long message covering a few different points (broken up into a few), they do the same when they get round to it and so on.

It prevents the awkward stop start nature of text conversations. 

As I mentioned above, I knew where I stood with some people and I felt like we understood each other, so there wasn't the same level of anxiety when we wouldn't talk for a while. If I feel like I have no idea how they feel about stuff, I basically hit the panic button. 

Yeah I think it's difficult because even if there's a vibe I worry that I might be throwing a connection away. Because "they'll reach out if they want to" doesn't always track; they might feel rather anxious themselves.

I always took it upon myself to do all the reaching out and there were times I wanted to just stop for a while and see if anyone would reach out to me out of the blue, but I didn't last long. I felt guilty; like I was 'testing' something.

I have been that person before - messaging too much to the point someone has to tell me to stop. I think you were right to set that boundary, as difficult as it might have felt.

I had someone who was a best friend (which they were brave enough to say first) and we drifted apart for reasons I never found out. I knew they were busy but it went 3-4 months before I heard from them. I struggled to deal with it.

I kept bombarding them with messages which didn't help.

I'd admittedly built up in my head what it could be. We'd discussed meeting up and hanging out and I was holding on to that, but I didn't consider how they'd feel about it all. 

Said friend is autistic too. 

I'd say 7 times out of 10, the other person in this scenario is ND.

It seems to be a similar level of ambiguity. Not everyone though; there were people (also autistic) with whom I didn't have that struggle with.

We didn't speak every day or every week but we knew where each other stood and we checked in with each other.

That's a level I wanted to get to with all the friends I had but it seemed to be harder in some cases. Like there was a wall between us. 

I struggle to strike that balance of coming on too strong and seeming like I don't care. I would admit I've placed pressure on people that has led them to believe I need daily communication which isn't the case.

However, I guess I have generally felt like a degree of consistency is helpful. At least where communication is concerned.

Yeah it's hard when you both felt that you'd be friends for life.

It's easier to accept some times more than others. 

There's a few people where I still don't know where things fell apart and why.

It really depends on the friend too- the better you get to know them, the easier it is to figure out what is going on. I have a few friends, where it is not unusual for messages not to be answered for a few weeks. But I know this is normal and they are just busy or overwhelmed and will get back eventually when they feel in a social mood and have some time. I'm also not always the best at speedy replies. But since I know these people for a while, I know that this is to be expected and in a way it is relaxing too because there is no pressure to respond immediately. 

I do have some friends too where we are in contact much more regularly, but these things can fluctuate. The way you can really tell if they are true friends is if you ever end up in a situation where you need a friend and need help and support- true friends are there for you in that case. Hope that doesn't happen. I've experienced this and it's made me realise that I have very good friends. 

I have been on both sides. 

I have let things fizzle with people where I haven't felt interested enough to keep up a discussion, and other people have let me fizzle where they've stopped or delayed responding and I have got the message loud and clear. 

Only once have I had to draw a hard line and actually ask someone to stop contacting me and that, in hindsight, is probably also a ND person but he likely doesn't know it. He was messaging multiple times a day and I would go days without replying, and he just wouldn't stop. I would occasionally like or respond, but he just kept up the same intensity of sending me stuff. It got SO overwhelming eventually I just had to ask, really politely, that we stop talking. He said he understood and didn't message me again, but I always worry I upset him. I think he was quite lonely.

Anyway, if someone is giving you 'the vibe' that they don't feel like talking then I think it is best to listen and leave them to it. They can get in touch again if they feel like it.