Published on 12, July, 2020
Before I go on, I want to clarify that I'm not talking about anyone I've spoken to on this forum. I don't want anyone to get spooked!
I have be-friended (or attempted to) people in the past, and we'd go through a wave of speaking fairly regularly, before things fizzle out and we're speaking a lot less frequently if at all. If it's a mutual sense of "we don't have anything to say to each other" then that's fine, but I have found myself on both sides of the coin where there's an awkwardness of how to deal with it.
There's people who I'd hear from a lot less regularly. They'd read messages but not reply, and back then I would still bombard them with messages without considering it's probably actually putting them off. In many cases, that's what gets me blocked. More recently, I tried to rationalise it (they're probably busy or have limited energy). I did ask someone about it ("are we cool?") and they were honest with me and said that they didn't feel the friendship was working for them. I'm glad they told me but I felt guilty that they didn't feel they could without me asking first.
I think that put my guard up a bit. I already had a sense of "do they not like me anymore?" if someone disappeared, but it's a bit more intensified. While there are some friendships which naturally fizzled out as it was apparent we didn't have much in common, there's others where I didn't really understand why it happened, because in some cases me and the other person considered each other 'best friends' but suddenly we weren't talking and I didn't understand why. They may not have felt that same way anymore (which is completely fine) but I'm not good at taking a hint. Mainly cos I can't pick up on them, and it's uncomfortable for both parties to confront it head-on.
Someone may just have things going on in their life, and I wouldn't want to make a knee-jerk decision. As a result I probably do hang on for as long as I can (to the point I've exhausted myself) until it's clear that it's no longer reciprocal.
I'm never angry with the other person in this instance. Perhaps saddened but I try and empathise with them over the fact they've probably got things going on and it's not something they would want at this moment in time. It is difficult without knowing exactly though, and it's hard when you would want a clear answer and you realise that it's probably not going to arrive.
On the flip side, there's other situations where I realise that the friendship isn't what I want either, and I'm not exactly one to be brave enough to say anything because I don't want to hurt them, even though I'd welcome them saying it to me (were that the case). As a result I tend to let it drift.
I could have handled all of it a bit better, but I wondered how others handled it. I hope this makes some sense.
getting the wrong end of the stick is my life's story---sorry. I'm intrigued by your fire story please elaborate.
Wrong end of the stick my friend, caused no doubt by my poor use of english.
I now think I should have started the sentence thus:
"Once one has done enough truly stupid things..."
One of my favourite stories is about how I set my leg on fire (and damn nearly everything else) in an aircraft hangar, during an escalating situation, that started with me building on a fellow engineers sillyness...
I'm glad you found it entertaining though it wasn't intended to be so despite my continuing to do stupid things like admitting to the above 'story'.
I sent a lot of birthday cards etc which I designed myself (digitally). I never really did it with the expectation of getting anything in return but it was nice when it happened.
I struggled with judging if the person actually wanted one. Okay, I did ask in advance but when I'm doing it for pure acquaintances (and them appreciating the card doesn't change anything) then I'm probably missing something.
Once you've done enough truly stupid things and survived, it's easy to trot out an entertaining story...
I for one have always marvelled at chatty people. I am a man of few verbal words responding when necessary and could never understand how anyone could possibly think of so much to say. As a child I can recall mum saying "Your father is a listener". She did all the talking at the dinner table with dad's occasional response. This scenario must have made a deep impression to me and going beyond that, I believe there is an inheritance factor to consider. I wasn't conversed with very much throughout my childhood and received little guidance or mentoring. For attention (the wrong kind) I would play up in primary school. As I progressed I learned the hard way. My first wife found me boring and left after 12 years. My present wife and I have been together since 1981. How she has put up with me is a wonderment. She is a BIG talker and I just listen. Any comment I do make usually gets rebuttle which prompts me to say even less. We rarely agree. Perhaps these circumstances have molded me into the solitary person I am, or perhaps it's my autism. My mind still struggles with 121 conversation. I need time to respond. If I take too long to gather my thoughts the person I'm speaking with either says something else or gets fed up and excuses themselves. Writing allows me the time I need to communicate my thoughts.
I realise I could possibly start a conversation with the opening gambit "I am autistic"---but this really is taking a risk. I've tried this in the past and it usually ends up in a stilted conversation as though I'm a mental defective. Avoidance tactics is my modus operandi.
In some cases there's people I've not spoken to much for years. I guess I'd address everything and add "there's no pressure to respond" at the end but there is a fear of making things worse.
It may be best to leave them alone for the time being, yes... however, in due course, a simple apology, without expectation, might be something that you could do, if you still feel the need to apologise by that point.
There's been moments where I've been tempted to reach out to some people who were in my past life and apologise for the way that I acted. I can't blame it all on my autism (or any of it), and there's things I said and did which were inappropriate and I realise that now.
However, I guess the best way to make it up to people is to leave them alone cos I don't want to make it worse.
I guess the opportunity to just talk it out is the valuable part.
HMO said:I guess I'd like to prove to myself and others that I'm not the same mess of an individual as I was, but I don't know if I'll get the opportunity
I get that - try not to beat yourself up over it too much - that's hard, I know, but everybody regrets their actions sometimes, because we're all fallible.
You may get another opportunity with your friends - after all, there was more to those friendships than just the endpoint. Sometimes people just need time and space to work things out.
At the same time, there are no certainties -
But there will certainly be new friends to be made.
I hope so, although there's still a lot of anxiety around it all.
I guess I'd like to prove to myself and others that I'm not the same mess of an individual as I was, but I don't know if I'll get the opportunity.
Well, it sounds from what you write that you have gained insight from your experiences, which is valuable - and will hopefully help you to better negotiate future friendships.
As for the friends who have parted from you, some may possibly return, given time, you never know - even if you don't think so at the moment.
I lost all of my friends a few months ago and in this period of soul-searching and reflection, I realised which connections felt the strongest and the most natural. I tended to be very closed off emotionally which didn't really help.
Pegg said:Very occasionally, in my limited experience, a person comes along and it just works, it seems like you've always known each other - but that's uncommon, everything else takes time to evolve into friendship.
I found a few of these people (once developed obviously) which is why it's particularly sad that they're not in my life anymore.
I wish I put more energy into them rather than chasing someone who I used to talk to regularly but had shown no interest at all for over a year.
HMO said:I know regarding friendships I just want them to feel easy. It doesn't have to be super regular but I need to feel like I gel with this person and we're both on the same page with everything. We know where we stand and what we want out of it
Well, that's perfectly achievable, but, it does take time, usually. I guess that's what I mean about letting things unfold as they will - some people will become your friends, if you let them.
Very occasionally, in my limited experience, a person comes along and it just works, it seems like you've always known each other - but that's uncommon, everything else takes time to evolve into friendship.
It's up to you to decide which people you meet are worth that investment.
I used to utilise Twitter for meeting new people but it ran out of control. That said, it felt like a safer option at the time.
I just wish I drew the line earlier, like "you've got friends, now stop reaching out to more random people for no reason".
That's the thing - I'm well aware that I'd have no problem with people coming to me for support, even if I didn't know what I was doing half the time.
I had this sense of "I need to fix things for them" which is obviously not feasible and realistic, and I don't think they're asking that of me either. Certainly not many people I've come across have acted like that.
I have given so much in terms of affection and showing my appreciation to others and it has taken far too long for me to realise that they never felt the same way. Even when they did, I never fully appreciated it or valued it, because I didn't believe I deserved it. It's only now that it's gone that I realise what I've lost and I'll forever hate myself for it.
I know regarding friendships I just want them to feel easy. It doesn't have to be super regular but I need to feel like I gel with this person and we're both on the same page with everything. We know where we stand and what we want out of it.
The ideal is working somewhere like a bowling alley or similar where you get to interact with many, many people, so that your chances of meeting your people statistically increases.
Heck, my long suffering partner was the result of a process of me sieving though 400 people on dating direct finding 16 that didn't look like complete monsters to me, and then getting 4 replies from the 16 I reached out to..
HMO said:I wish I didn't feel guilty about it. I hated asking for support because I thought I'd be being difficult and it'd scare them off.
But it was ok for you to be there for them? Were you scared off by others wanting or needing your support?
I used to be that person, once - generally out of a genuine desire to help. I had - have - very few friends - and yet, when I lived amongst people, it was common for them to approach me, in order that they could unload their problems on me. I listened patiently, I never objected, even if I didn't really want to hear it, or spend that time in company with another human. I always thought about the other person. Note that, none of these people were interested in me, just in what they could get from me - although I didn't recognize it so well at the time.
When I did run into serious trouble, none of them, not a single one, was there for me. I was left to my own devices, those people were all of a sudden, 'busy'.
The point to make is that if you over-extend yourself, there will always be people to take what you offer. They're not necessarily interested in a reciprocal friendship.
Maybe instead, think about what you want from your friendships, it's a good place to start from.
I did put a lot of pressure on myself to keep friendships alive. I wish I didn't; it was an insane amount of stress and I rarely ever spoke up about it. I ended up ruining things because I kept trying to rush everything.
That didn't apply to everyone but I had a few people who I would never hear from if I didn't reach out to them.
I don't think I put a strong emphasis on the reciprocal side of things and instead I thought it was perfectly normal.
Pegg said:you should expect that they will, when you need them to
I wish I didn't feel guilty about it. I hated asking for support because I thought I'd be being difficult and it'd scare them off.