Published on 12, July, 2020
Before I go on, I want to clarify that I'm not talking about anyone I've spoken to on this forum. I don't want anyone to get spooked!
I have be-friended (or attempted to) people in the past, and we'd go through a wave of speaking fairly regularly, before things fizzle out and we're speaking a lot less frequently if at all. If it's a mutual sense of "we don't have anything to say to each other" then that's fine, but I have found myself on both sides of the coin where there's an awkwardness of how to deal with it.
There's people who I'd hear from a lot less regularly. They'd read messages but not reply, and back then I would still bombard them with messages without considering it's probably actually putting them off. In many cases, that's what gets me blocked. More recently, I tried to rationalise it (they're probably busy or have limited energy). I did ask someone about it ("are we cool?") and they were honest with me and said that they didn't feel the friendship was working for them. I'm glad they told me but I felt guilty that they didn't feel they could without me asking first.
I think that put my guard up a bit. I already had a sense of "do they not like me anymore?" if someone disappeared, but it's a bit more intensified. While there are some friendships which naturally fizzled out as it was apparent we didn't have much in common, there's others where I didn't really understand why it happened, because in some cases me and the other person considered each other 'best friends' but suddenly we weren't talking and I didn't understand why. They may not have felt that same way anymore (which is completely fine) but I'm not good at taking a hint. Mainly cos I can't pick up on them, and it's uncomfortable for both parties to confront it head-on.
Someone may just have things going on in their life, and I wouldn't want to make a knee-jerk decision. As a result I probably do hang on for as long as I can (to the point I've exhausted myself) until it's clear that it's no longer reciprocal.
I'm never angry with the other person in this instance. Perhaps saddened but I try and empathise with them over the fact they've probably got things going on and it's not something they would want at this moment in time. It is difficult without knowing exactly though, and it's hard when you would want a clear answer and you realise that it's probably not going to arrive.
On the flip side, there's other situations where I realise that the friendship isn't what I want either, and I'm not exactly one to be brave enough to say anything because I don't want to hurt them, even though I'd welcome them saying it to me (were that the case). As a result I tend to let it drift.
I could have handled all of it a bit better, but I wondered how others handled it. I hope this makes some sense.
I have been on both sides.
I have let things fizzle with people where I haven't felt interested enough to keep up a discussion, and other people have let me fizzle where they've stopped or delayed responding and I have got the message loud and clear.
Only once have I had to draw a hard line and actually ask someone to stop contacting me and that, in hindsight, is probably also a ND person but he likely doesn't know it. He was messaging multiple times a day and I would go days without replying, and he just wouldn't stop. I would occasionally like or respond, but he just kept up the same intensity of sending me stuff. It got SO overwhelming eventually I just had to ask, really politely, that we stop talking. He said he understood and didn't message me again, but I always worry I upset him. I think he was quite lonely.
Anyway, if someone is giving you 'the vibe' that they don't feel like talking then I think it is best to listen and leave them to it. They can get in touch again if they feel like it.
It really depends on the friend too- the better you get to know them, the easier it is to figure out what is going on. I have a few friends, where it is not unusual for messages not to be answered for a few weeks. But I know this is normal and they are just busy or overwhelmed and will get back eventually when they feel in a social mood and have some time. I'm also not always the best at speedy replies. But since I know these people for a while, I know that this is to be expected and in a way it is relaxing too because there is no pressure to respond immediately.
I do have some friends too where we are in contact much more regularly, but these things can fluctuate. The way you can really tell if they are true friends is if you ever end up in a situation where you need a friend and need help and support- true friends are there for you in that case. Hope that doesn't happen. I've experienced this and it's made me realise that I have very good friends.
I had some friends where we had a continuous conversation type thing going on.
I send a long message covering a few different points (broken up into a few), they do the same when they get round to it and so on.
It prevents the awkward stop start nature of text conversations.
As I mentioned above, I knew where I stood with some people and I felt like we understood each other, so there wasn't the same level of anxiety when we wouldn't talk for a while. If I feel like I have no idea how they feel about stuff, I basically hit the panic button.