Published on 12, July, 2020
Before I go on, I want to clarify that I'm not talking about anyone I've spoken to on this forum. I don't want anyone to get spooked!
I have be-friended (or attempted to) people in the past, and we'd go through a wave of speaking fairly regularly, before things fizzle out and we're speaking a lot less frequently if at all. If it's a mutual sense of "we don't have anything to say to each other" then that's fine, but I have found myself on both sides of the coin where there's an awkwardness of how to deal with it.
There's people who I'd hear from a lot less regularly. They'd read messages but not reply, and back then I would still bombard them with messages without considering it's probably actually putting them off. In many cases, that's what gets me blocked. More recently, I tried to rationalise it (they're probably busy or have limited energy). I did ask someone about it ("are we cool?") and they were honest with me and said that they didn't feel the friendship was working for them. I'm glad they told me but I felt guilty that they didn't feel they could without me asking first.
I think that put my guard up a bit. I already had a sense of "do they not like me anymore?" if someone disappeared, but it's a bit more intensified. While there are some friendships which naturally fizzled out as it was apparent we didn't have much in common, there's others where I didn't really understand why it happened, because in some cases me and the other person considered each other 'best friends' but suddenly we weren't talking and I didn't understand why. They may not have felt that same way anymore (which is completely fine) but I'm not good at taking a hint. Mainly cos I can't pick up on them, and it's uncomfortable for both parties to confront it head-on.
Someone may just have things going on in their life, and I wouldn't want to make a knee-jerk decision. As a result I probably do hang on for as long as I can (to the point I've exhausted myself) until it's clear that it's no longer reciprocal.
I'm never angry with the other person in this instance. Perhaps saddened but I try and empathise with them over the fact they've probably got things going on and it's not something they would want at this moment in time. It is difficult without knowing exactly though, and it's hard when you would want a clear answer and you realise that it's probably not going to arrive.
On the flip side, there's other situations where I realise that the friendship isn't what I want either, and I'm not exactly one to be brave enough to say anything because I don't want to hurt them, even though I'd welcome them saying it to me (were that the case). As a result I tend to let it drift.
I could have handled all of it a bit better, but I wondered how others handled it. I hope this makes some sense.
IMO if you are pretty sure they aren't ADHD or autistic then the other person not messaging you back for a prolonged period of time (over a week to a months) is usually a sign because NT's often equate frequency of social interact with closeness, whereas NDs tend to have/need more of a cooldown between interactions and judge closeness more on the quality of the interactions.If they are super busy though then not hearing anything for up to a fortnight isn't immediately a cause for concern.If they aren't NT though then they might need a long time to emotionally and functionally reset.Without being too pushy about it you can try ask something simple, noncommital, and emotionally lite like: "Hey, haven't heard anything from you for a while, you doing okay?" That will give them a lot of wiggle room to respond how they want ie give as much or as little info as they want, but also lets them know you are thinking of them and the relationship is still there if they want.Fortunately this only was a big issue once, most of my friends and family I tell outright how I get blinkered with what's literally infront of me in my life and it doesn't mean I like them any less It's just life steamrollered me, so if I forget to call for a while then they are free to call me instead and they aren't bothering me when they do it.
I'd say 7 times out of 10, the other person in this scenario is ND.
It seems to be a similar level of ambiguity. Not everyone though; there were people (also autistic) with whom I didn't have that struggle with.
We didn't speak every day or every week but we knew where each other stood and we checked in with each other.
That's a level I wanted to get to with all the friends I had but it seemed to be harder in some cases. Like there was a wall between us.
I struggle to strike that balance of coming on too strong and seeming like I don't care. I would admit I've placed pressure on people that has led them to believe I need daily communication which isn't the case.
However, I guess I have generally felt like a degree of consistency is helpful. At least where communication is concerned.