Published on 12, July, 2020
Before I go on, I want to clarify that I'm not talking about anyone I've spoken to on this forum. I don't want anyone to get spooked!
I have be-friended (or attempted to) people in the past, and we'd go through a wave of speaking fairly regularly, before things fizzle out and we're speaking a lot less frequently if at all. If it's a mutual sense of "we don't have anything to say to each other" then that's fine, but I have found myself on both sides of the coin where there's an awkwardness of how to deal with it.
There's people who I'd hear from a lot less regularly. They'd read messages but not reply, and back then I would still bombard them with messages without considering it's probably actually putting them off. In many cases, that's what gets me blocked. More recently, I tried to rationalise it (they're probably busy or have limited energy). I did ask someone about it ("are we cool?") and they were honest with me and said that they didn't feel the friendship was working for them. I'm glad they told me but I felt guilty that they didn't feel they could without me asking first.
I think that put my guard up a bit. I already had a sense of "do they not like me anymore?" if someone disappeared, but it's a bit more intensified. While there are some friendships which naturally fizzled out as it was apparent we didn't have much in common, there's others where I didn't really understand why it happened, because in some cases me and the other person considered each other 'best friends' but suddenly we weren't talking and I didn't understand why. They may not have felt that same way anymore (which is completely fine) but I'm not good at taking a hint. Mainly cos I can't pick up on them, and it's uncomfortable for both parties to confront it head-on.
Someone may just have things going on in their life, and I wouldn't want to make a knee-jerk decision. As a result I probably do hang on for as long as I can (to the point I've exhausted myself) until it's clear that it's no longer reciprocal.
I'm never angry with the other person in this instance. Perhaps saddened but I try and empathise with them over the fact they've probably got things going on and it's not something they would want at this moment in time. It is difficult without knowing exactly though, and it's hard when you would want a clear answer and you realise that it's probably not going to arrive.
On the flip side, there's other situations where I realise that the friendship isn't what I want either, and I'm not exactly one to be brave enough to say anything because I don't want to hurt them, even though I'd welcome them saying it to me (were that the case). As a result I tend to let it drift.
I could have handled all of it a bit better, but I wondered how others handled it. I hope this makes some sense.
It can happen that people drift apart but sometimes it is also just that the other person is busy or has a lot going on. I was really sad as one of my closest friends at university barely ever replied to my messages again after we both moved to different countries, different time zones etc. I hadn't heard in over a year and then recently she called and it felt like we'd only spoken yesterday- so still friends. I had become convinced over time that we weren't friends anymore and was really sad.
It's hard to tell but usually time will tell.
I had someone who was a best friend (which they were brave enough to say first) and we drifted apart for reasons I never found out. I knew they were busy but it went 3-4 months before I heard from them. I struggled to deal with it.
I kept bombarding them with messages which didn't help.
I'd admittedly built up in my head what it could be. We'd discussed meeting up and hanging out and I was holding on to that, but I didn't consider how they'd feel about it all.
Said friend is autistic too.
Yes for my friend and I the gap in communication was over a year which was very long and even before then it was infrequent. It was clear it wasn’t going to be the same anymore when she moved to US (we used to see each other most days at uni) but it was still a long gap. But it turns out we are indeed still friends :) I suspect she is autistic too
I'm glad that things turned out okay. It probably would have tortured me if I went that long, I'd have probably given up.
Which isn't too bad because it would have allowed me to reduce expectations.