Published on 12, July, 2020
The years I’ve been accused of a lot of things a lot of different times. Mostly in relation to things driven by aspects of my autism that people took objection to. Looking back and reflecting I started to notice that the way I’ve dealt with these situations has changed over the years.
My first reaction to an accusation used to be to give some one what I call a bruised toe apology. as if you were apologising to someone who’s toes you’d had just stepped on. It’s not really intended as an admission of culpability. You didn’t mean for it to happen and you couldn’t possibly have foreseen it happening and wasn’t as if you were unusually careless. It’s more an expression of regret your actions inadvertently caused somebody else pain.
But I have discovered that as the years have gone on and I’ve been attacked more and more and accused more and more I’ve stopped giving these apologies. Too often they are interpreted as some sort of admission of guilt and people will turn around and say well he admits it therefore we’ve every reason to punish him and blame him and censure him and kick him out.
There are some people who just don’t want to be reasonable and who will never be satisfied with an apology or an explanation. They’re too many people out there who will judge you guilty as soon as the accusation is made and will admit no latitude for any consideration on your behalf.
It’s been my experience that if you make an apology these individuals will jump on it and use it as grounds to try and convince everybody else that you are guilty as charged; must be excommunicated as soon as possible. Conversely if you make no apology they will accuse you of being completely uncontright, incorrigible and therefore completely unworthy of any consideration. You can’t win with these people, but if instead of apologising you start by attacking the substance of the accusations as soon as possible and as directly as possible you at least have a chance to stop them shutting down the debate before it starts.
If your defence is that your autism occasionally causes you to come off as a bit of an arsehole adopting an argumentative approach that makes you seem needlessly belligerent is not actually that harmful to your case. Afterwards after you’ve made all your arguments, inserted all the caveats, then you can make your apology. just make sure that no one could mistake it for an admission of culpability.
The important thing is to get your foot in the door in the argument so those open to the possibility of autism as an excuse can actually get to hear your side of the story
So I’m really curious to hear how you deal with being accused? Have you noticed the way you handle it has changed over time?
Debbie, speaking as someone who has both of you in their "friends" group (I think) I have to point out that we all can at some point get "intractable in our views" (I do like your turn of phrase, there!).
Peter said:Self reflection is important and highly beneficial. But did it ever occur to you to reflect upon your accusers and why they might be motivated to accuse you?
You and I have disagreed more than once I think with regard to our perceptions of women, in particular in the context of autism.
What I haven't seen you do (at least not often, I don't read every thread) is to acknowledge what others say and then incorporate the views of others into your own.
At least, you could give others the benefit of the doubt.
I don't know you in 'real life' and in your interactions with people, I just see what I read here.
I just wondered whether some of what you are experiencing is related to being rather intractable in your views.
The ability to change and to question ourselves is important in our relations with others.
I don't need to reflect upon it. I know why "people" (rather than "accusers" coz I don't really suffer that) are motivated to question my motives and intentions.....it is because they don't understand nor share my values and perceptions of the world.
I get that on my laptop where the post seems to be in reply to someone else.
Please remind me of your forums address, I know from previous that the one you chose formats logically in a way I can follow and use better. I was admin on one of those once...
I think there might be some confusion between scores and levels. Testing instruments like disco and AQ 50 tend to have a numerical scores. But the DSM-V encourages clinicians to categorise autism into one of three levels which in the UK we often don’t do. So in the UK we do not generally do levels but we do definitely do scores because they are part of the testing methodologies and instruments used.
You are right. your post just happened to look like it belonged to somebody else on my device the way it’s formatted
No it is not. I made no such inferences and consider this matter closed. Good day
Reminder of Rule 5:
Be nice to one another and enjoy chatting with others. We encourage conversation and respectful debate; please be aware that individuals may give opinions which are not shared by other members. Insulting posts or comments making personal jibes will not be tolerated.
I'm in the U.K. We DO get Autism scores. Which indicate how many of the spectrum of traits we have.
Normalised to a scale of 100% or less I score the same on both tests which is reassuring.
Some of us get right up each others noses at times, too, and I hazard, not always intentionally...
Good for you, DeSpereaux, it's not easy standing up to people who have already decided against you...
I get a lot of 3rd parties saying to me that I look guilty by not answering accusers, and I just say:‘No, only the evidence can confirm my guilt, I’m not going to appease an accuser by placating their hearsay’. If I say that loudly-quiet enough then people usually pipe down..
Though usual I do confirm one time, assuming that the interrogation hasn’t started, because I hate being called a liar and it gives me the heart to finish if use the hatred as fuel..
Self reflection is important and highly beneficial. But did it ever occur to you to reflect upon your accusers and why they might be motivated to accuse you?
well it did sound somewhat like you were trying to persuade people that I was an ***. by referring to my hypothetical examples as things I had done and saying that I was an *** because I was an ***. is that not a fair interpretation of your words?
I made it very clear I was giving hypothetical examples. Although not entirely hypothetical because I expected someone to respond in this way. The hypothetical example of an autistic person calling a police woman a lesbian was in fact a reference to this https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-leeds-66462895.amp where a young autistic girl was arrested for doing exactly that. I think most people would agree that this was an act done without any kind of malice or ill intent.
I invite you to reconsider your assumptions about how obvious it is that someone will find something offensive. it’s not at all obvious even to Neurotypicals sometimes and even less so for autistic people.
My response is clearly not to you NAS86592 it is to the person I'm replying to, as above.
Goodnight.
You jumped to the wrong conclusions again. At no stage in this exchange did I even HINT you inferred I was an a***hole so I don't understand what you got yourself all worked up about?
Goodnight
I’m replying once and once only, then switching off replies here because this conversation is far, far down my list of priorities in my incredibly busy life.
Yes, of course I’m autistic, why on gods green earth would you think I am on here every day messaging back and forth with people otherwise?
If you were in the UK, and this is a UK forum, you’d know that we don’t do ’autism scores’ we just get a diagnosis or don’t get a diagnosis. If you’d like screenshots of my clinical report I’ll happily send them to you.
I wasn’t calling *you* an assh*ole, I was saying that being autistic doesn’t give one a license to behave like one. One does not begat the other.
Do you see now?
Thank you and goodnight.
oops ---sorry
AT was replying to my post.
If that is your view---your problem through your own misinterpretation---It certainly was not my intention to gaslight you or anyone else.