Published on 12, July, 2020
The years I’ve been accused of a lot of things a lot of different times. Mostly in relation to things driven by aspects of my autism that people took objection to. Looking back and reflecting I started to notice that the way I’ve dealt with these situations has changed over the years.
My first reaction to an accusation used to be to give some one what I call a bruised toe apology. as if you were apologising to someone who’s toes you’d had just stepped on. It’s not really intended as an admission of culpability. You didn’t mean for it to happen and you couldn’t possibly have foreseen it happening and wasn’t as if you were unusually careless. It’s more an expression of regret your actions inadvertently caused somebody else pain.
But I have discovered that as the years have gone on and I’ve been attacked more and more and accused more and more I’ve stopped giving these apologies. Too often they are interpreted as some sort of admission of guilt and people will turn around and say well he admits it therefore we’ve every reason to punish him and blame him and censure him and kick him out.
There are some people who just don’t want to be reasonable and who will never be satisfied with an apology or an explanation. They’re too many people out there who will judge you guilty as soon as the accusation is made and will admit no latitude for any consideration on your behalf.
It’s been my experience that if you make an apology these individuals will jump on it and use it as grounds to try and convince everybody else that you are guilty as charged; must be excommunicated as soon as possible. Conversely if you make no apology they will accuse you of being completely uncontright, incorrigible and therefore completely unworthy of any consideration. You can’t win with these people, but if instead of apologising you start by attacking the substance of the accusations as soon as possible and as directly as possible you at least have a chance to stop them shutting down the debate before it starts.
If your defence is that your autism occasionally causes you to come off as a bit of an arsehole adopting an argumentative approach that makes you seem needlessly belligerent is not actually that harmful to your case. Afterwards after you’ve made all your arguments, inserted all the caveats, then you can make your apology. just make sure that no one could mistake it for an admission of culpability.
The important thing is to get your foot in the door in the argument so those open to the possibility of autism as an excuse can actually get to hear your side of the story
So I’m really curious to hear how you deal with being accused? Have you noticed the way you handle it has changed over time?
No problem or worries
Thank you. I had to ask, out of curiosity, not malice.
Hmmmm.
I can hear a Britney Spears track playing uncomfortably loudly now.
This is not my scene.....I've no energy for this type of pop music.
I'll be retiring for the evening.
Nite nite all.
I would need to be a true a***hole to upset a professional who is trying to help me! I remain within my stated parameters.
No it isn't.
It is a fair question in the light of you defining people who cannot do what you seem to be able to easily as "a-holes".
IF your next Doctor, dentist, or other professional you interact with doesn't like you, and find you worth helping, then they won't. If they strongly dislike you, they may even give you the "special treatment".
I was diagnosed withASD by the Owl Centre two years ago. After spending a lifetime of experiencing various types of rejection, at age 78 I have adopted my own defense mechanisms to deal with my reality. You may or may not agree with my methods but they work for me!
me also - I'm actively trying to discern which of my "challenges/failings" are character lead as opposed to being due to the hard wiring of my autistic core.
me aIso - very few seem able to discern my motives and intentions. Often, even if people are willing and open to hearing them.....they simply cannot understand why anyone "normal" would think that way.
I Sperg said:Are you sure you are actually Autistic
I'm afraid I can't even begin to formulate a forum-appropriate response to this question. It is total and utter gaslighting of the highest degree.
Are you sure you are actually Autistic? Have you a score?
I ask, because your statement above deviates so far from my own lived experience which is JAM PACKED with people assuming motivations that I do not actually have, and in some cases applying bizarre sanctions in an effort to "teach me a lesson" that it seems hard to believe we are carrying the same condition.
I will admit I am still in the process of deciding which of my actions are unalterable because of the Autism and which are character defects that I need to own, and work on.
I don't bother with stressful imaginings and NEVER allow myself to be put in that sort of position!
Except if that NT holds any power over you, it is going to be your problem sooner or later.
You like most jump to the wrong conclusions. I recognise there are finit behaviours socially acceptable. I try to present myself within those parameters. If my presentation --- as I see it, is judged by an NT to be that of an a***hole ---that is not MY problem! --- matey
Well, for what it's worth........- it turns out it wasn't worth a hill-o'-beans.
Mmm, not sure about that matey.
NAS86592 said:misintrepretation of my autistic behaviour
Are you sure about it being your autistic behaviour that's getting you in bother, and not just you being a bit of a *** and trying to make excuses? It sounds like the latter to me.
The OP gave two examples where he's been apparently 'horribly wrongly accused' of something: telling a stranger, not least a police officer who was apprehending him that she looked like a lesbian, and telling an offensive joke in a public place. In both instances, he could easily see and predict that the things he was saying would or could be considered offensive or upsetting to others. So in that case, it's best not to say them - isn't it? That way nobody's feelings get hurt and nobody gets 'accused' of anything.
People can't just go around being *** and then crying "no but my autism! Boohoo". I'm autistic too, and I somehow manage not to be a *** to people around me.
In summary: being autistic doesn't make you an ***, being an *** makes you an ***.
[edited by moderator]
I can't hold myself responsible for NT misintrepretation of my autistic behaviour.
I am poor at verbalising a self-defence which is why I adopted an attitude of: what importance does this accuser play in my life? The answer is mostly nill so he/she gets ignored. Works for me, and eliminates stressful imaginings, but has created my position as a pariah.
I admire your resolution..
I Sperg said:That never sits well with the competition. Even if you are not actually competing
That seems to be true - even though I'm absolutely non-competitive in pretty much everything. I have my own interests, not never - but rarely - involving other people. I have a narrow focus, most else is invisible...