Published on 12, July, 2020
The years I’ve been accused of a lot of things a lot of different times. Mostly in relation to things driven by aspects of my autism that people took objection to. Looking back and reflecting I started to notice that the way I’ve dealt with these situations has changed over the years.
My first reaction to an accusation used to be to give some one what I call a bruised toe apology. as if you were apologising to someone who’s toes you’d had just stepped on. It’s not really intended as an admission of culpability. You didn’t mean for it to happen and you couldn’t possibly have foreseen it happening and wasn’t as if you were unusually careless. It’s more an expression of regret your actions inadvertently caused somebody else pain.
But I have discovered that as the years have gone on and I’ve been attacked more and more and accused more and more I’ve stopped giving these apologies. Too often they are interpreted as some sort of admission of guilt and people will turn around and say well he admits it therefore we’ve every reason to punish him and blame him and censure him and kick him out.
There are some people who just don’t want to be reasonable and who will never be satisfied with an apology or an explanation. They’re too many people out there who will judge you guilty as soon as the accusation is made and will admit no latitude for any consideration on your behalf.
It’s been my experience that if you make an apology these individuals will jump on it and use it as grounds to try and convince everybody else that you are guilty as charged; must be excommunicated as soon as possible. Conversely if you make no apology they will accuse you of being completely uncontright, incorrigible and therefore completely unworthy of any consideration. You can’t win with these people, but if instead of apologising you start by attacking the substance of the accusations as soon as possible and as directly as possible you at least have a chance to stop them shutting down the debate before it starts.
If your defence is that your autism occasionally causes you to come off as a bit of an arsehole adopting an argumentative approach that makes you seem needlessly belligerent is not actually that harmful to your case. Afterwards after you’ve made all your arguments, inserted all the caveats, then you can make your apology. just make sure that no one could mistake it for an admission of culpability.
The important thing is to get your foot in the door in the argument so those open to the possibility of autism as an excuse can actually get to hear your side of the story
So I’m really curious to hear how you deal with being accused? Have you noticed the way you handle it has changed over time?
It's simple, I don't get accused of things because I don't do bad things or pi*s people off! Just be nice and stay on the right side of people and they will leave you in peace. It's a win/win solution!
Are you sure you are actually Autistic? Have you a score?
I ask, because your statement above deviates so far from my own lived experience which is JAM PACKED with people assuming motivations that I do not actually have, and in some cases applying bizarre sanctions in an effort to "teach me a lesson" that it seems hard to believe we are carrying the same condition.
I will admit I am still in the process of deciding which of my actions are unalterable because of the Autism and which are character defects that I need to own, and work on.
I Sperg said:Are you sure you are actually Autistic
I'm afraid I can't even begin to formulate a forum-appropriate response to this question. It is total and utter gaslighting of the highest degree.
areyoualien.uk
I scored a little lower in the EQ than the AQ, which to me was telling of my slipping-the-net up until that point, it suggested that I had a proficiency in masking my traits..
Weirdly enough my screener didn’t ask for AQ, but when I volunteered it, she seemed very grateful for it..
I get that on my laptop where the post seems to be in reply to someone else.
Please remind me of your forums address, I know from previous that the one you chose formats logically in a way I can follow and use better. I was admin on one of those once...
I think there might be some confusion between scores and levels. Testing instruments like disco and AQ 50 tend to have a numerical scores. But the DSM-V encourages clinicians to categorise autism into one of three levels which in the UK we often don’t do. So in the UK we do not generally do levels but we do definitely do scores because they are part of the testing methodologies and instruments used.
You are right. your post just happened to look like it belonged to somebody else on my device the way it’s formatted
No it is not. I made no such inferences and consider this matter closed. Good day
I'm in the U.K. We DO get Autism scores. Which indicate how many of the spectrum of traits we have.
Normalised to a scale of 100% or less I score the same on both tests which is reassuring.
Some of us get right up each others noses at times, too, and I hazard, not always intentionally...
well it did sound somewhat like you were trying to persuade people that I was an ***. by referring to my hypothetical examples as things I had done and saying that I was an *** because I was an ***. is that not a fair interpretation of your words?
My response is clearly not to you NAS86592 it is to the person I'm replying to, as above.
Goodnight.
You jumped to the wrong conclusions again. At no stage in this exchange did I even HINT you inferred I was an a***hole so I don't understand what you got yourself all worked up about?
Goodnight
I’m replying once and once only, then switching off replies here because this conversation is far, far down my list of priorities in my incredibly busy life.
Yes, of course I’m autistic, why on gods green earth would you think I am on here every day messaging back and forth with people otherwise?
If you were in the UK, and this is a UK forum, you’d know that we don’t do ’autism scores’ we just get a diagnosis or don’t get a diagnosis. If you’d like screenshots of my clinical report I’ll happily send them to you.
I wasn’t calling *you* an assh*ole, I was saying that being autistic doesn’t give one a license to behave like one. One does not begat the other.
Do you see now?
Thank you and goodnight.