Separation anxiety from my therapist

You said you had conflicted-feelings, may task what you mean, it may help me get a better idea of the extent of your discouragement..? Though I will say that it is not uncommon to become attached to a service-providers services..

I understand why they've had to take time off but I still find it hard, and I feel guilty.

My life is very different to what it was even 4 months ago. I'm reliant on my sessions with my therapists as a means of even getting to have a conversation with anyone (who I've gotten to know).

Between the event and last week, I was able to at least speak to one of the two people (them and this other trusted contact). I won't be able to now until early September and I'm worried I'm going to be stuck in my own head.

Guilt is an unhealthy emotion. As it carries a theme of a broken moral-code, or feeling as if one has hurt or offended a significant-other, by failing to do something or committing a sin. It carries with it rigidity and it carries with it extremity. Ultimately it highlights a tendency to desire-to escape your feelings in self-defeating ways.

So having said that, I don’t know whether or not you can see that the prior text isn’t super-flexible, but it is what I have taken from this use of the word ‘guilt’.  
I believe that you are likely to feel a-lot better if you consider that you feel ‘remorse’ and not ‘guilt’, because you have done nothing wrong, you are not-considering that there are mitigating-factors to your situation. Such as the fact that you have a preference for bettering-yourself.

You have come far in your discussions with your therapist, YOU have come far, YOU are the one that broke that ice. Perhaps when you started you needed a push from your therapist, but you are not the same-person that was pushed, because now you are considering that you want to say more. Now you are remorseful that your conversation is unfinished, there are worse things to be than hungry my friend, you don’t necessary need your therapist to sate hunger.
You say that it is not your therapist’s fault that you mask, well guess what, it’s not your fault either and you bore that responsibility anyway. You are stronger than you believe you are, you are flexible, and as such I believe you have the strength to forgive yourself your unhealth.

So chin-up H, be reassured that you’ve been here before and that you have conquered your discouragement, be reassured because we are also here for you, be reassured that we know a brave-one when we see one and that we can see you!

I'm trying my hardest, although it does feel like I'm stuck in a rut sometimes. I always feel like I need to prove it with a grand gesture.

It was already hard to build on my confidence and it's doubly hard to do it now.

But yeah, I guess we'll see where we end up.

It seems-like you’re doing all the right-things, I think that you’re definitely progressing, and I also think the points that you a raising are valid. I know that I have experienced such discouragement, that I cant even-belief some of it happened, but it passes and fortunes do change.

I feel-like it is a-little indulgent of me to carry on rambling as I am. As you’re entitled to your low-moments, after all if we didn’t throw-down our pencil every once in a while, we wouldn’t manifest the courage it takes to pick it up again.

Ultimately I think you’re a smart-guy, ultimately I am rooting for you, and ultimately I prophesise that your gonna come out stronger. 
I want to do right by you, if its seems right to you, reread what I’ve projected onto because you deserve it. Good fringin luck man, really.. watch some comedy, a new day will dawn, I have faith..:)

I spent the last two years (up until May anyway) using Twitter to, basically, form a friendship group. I was never a social butterfly but I would have been happy with a solid group around me. I overcorrected and I was reaching out to far too many people and got myself into situations I knew I was unhappy in, but I had trapped myself. 

Ironically, what happened did get me out of situations I was unhappy with, but it shouldn't have taken that.

When we go abroad I intend to really limit my social media use - even more than already cos I'm not really using Twitter, Facebook, Instagram etc at all, but I'm on forums and Reddit. 

You know society was completely-unprepared for the technological-advancements that occurred in our generation (I say generation because technically I’m a millennial), it was completely-unprepared for the psychological-radiation of social-media and had no protection for those exposed to it, neither the users or the used. It still hasn’t got a handle on it..

It is both a blessing and curse, it can be used to distract-us and teach-us, it can be used to blind-us and warp-us.
Distraction is great because it allows us to avert our gaze, from the conscious and overt displays of depravity that the internet facilitates, that the same-device can dispense.  
Ironically distraction is the better-play for seeing-through intense-emotion, as opposed to what I am doing, which is engaging you in social-interaction..

Sorry about that.. I never said I was a pro.. perhaps Ricky Gervais will be your real-blessing..

CBT felt like I was chatting to my headteacher. This feels like I'm chatting to an actually friendly school counsellor.

My feelings surrounding the event are all over the place. It was entirely of my own doing, but I'm still angry and frustrated as to how it ended up playing out. I needed a wake-up call but I wish it didn't happen as brutally as it did because now I'm finding it 1000x harder to build myself back up.

I was on social media an awful lot and fell into communities that weren't the kindest. Every other day there was another person being piled on for something, it was inevitable that I was going to get caught up in one.

Well, I like British comedy & boybands mainly. I watch a lot of linear television (I know, I'm not 70).

CBT does have its place, but its requires that a person is in the mood to move-forward, with autism it requires specialist-involvement, because one does not start of with an unhealthy-behaviour, one starts off with being neurodiverse. So the behavioural approaches fall-flat when the practitioner doesn’t understand the root-causes.

Depressive-attacks aren’t fun but it essentially requires time to pass, how that passes can be supported more or less helpfully, so don’t feel like to need to dig into your triggering-event on my account. I understand what I need to know. If you want to be listened to then thats different, thats what we’re here for, as much as we are here to reassure.

Attempts at reputation-destruction and gossip, are the worse-part of dealing with the world for me, there seems to be a lot more of it to suffer than other-things, mostly because others-things can kill their victims and their wielders. So cowards are always going to be most-prevalent, but be reassured that they die way more deaths than the rest of us, it’s better to live and learn the way we do. Better to be genuine and accountable.

So, do you have any special-interests, if I may be so bold..?

I mean, I've had CBT at a younger age but it did nothing for me.

I'm certainly too anxious to reach out to anyone. How do I know that, after what happened, me having reached out at all would become a big topic of conversation and I'm being talked about behind my back again etc.

In some respects it has probably put me off attempting to form friendships permanently. I know that the guilt will eat me up eventually but it's much safer this way. At least this way I can't hurt anyone else anymore.

I probably wouldn't feel sorry for them; no one can blame anyone for not wanting to be friends with someone considered to be a horrible human being.

Next thing you know, you won’t have separation-anxiety, you’ll have separation-concern..:)

‘Regret’, nice word there bud, if you wanted proof of progression, you’ve got it right there. Starting therapy at 26 is nothing to scoff at, you’re actually quite an early starter, as am I because I’m 28..:D

I think if you’re too-anxious to start a friendly-conversation, then you are too-anxious, take a break. To be ‘worried’ is another amazing jump, because it is healthy; as opposed to being ‘anxious’, which is unhealthy. As long as you are needing time to get to ‘friendly-conversation’, you are being healthy, the problem arises when you withdraw from it.

As I have experienced, autistic-people tend to have an  endless-ability to bounce-back from discouragement, as long as they are still going. It is just a matter of time before they make a procedure of something they are following, the important-thing is that they are following and being exposed to the right-thing, which considering our non-standard cognition is in shamefully-low supply in society. 
It is unfortunate that our environment is so full of psychological-harmful effects, it is a shame that we are forced to develop-sometimes in unhealthy-ways, but it is nothing we cannot troubleshoot given time and tide, and the right exposures.

If you want a few of the strengths I have observed during our conversation:
I have observed that you seek genuine-interactions, that you are honest, that you have a keen-intellect, that you are looking to learn, that you don’t give up, that you are courteous, that you have a strong sense of accountability.

You’ve got a-lot going for you, Im starting to feel sorry for the people who’ve passed you up, by the time your finished you’ll be a monster who wont be easily-possessed by anyone..:D

DeSpereaux said:

Also you type really-fast, I’m actually baffled, because it takes me ages, even though I consider myself average..

I'm 26 and I've got nothing else to do with my time. 

The friends I had tolerated all of that neediness and clinginess (amazingly). It was this which was the catalyst and within 4 days I lost everyone. It wasn't anyone else's fault; it was 3 months ago but it still feels incredibly raw.

Bearing in mind, the majority of my friends were autistic too. There was just a lot there that I didn't even realise until afterwards, such as not putting pressure on other people (or myself).

I am in that stage of grief. I've had some well-meaning advice surrounding making new friends potentially but, to be brutally honest, at this moment in time I don't feel like I want to. I spent ages wanting to find those unbreakable bonds (as they felt) and I did, and I threw it all away. I took them for granted and I didn't realise just how lucky I was. It feels way too soon because my anxieties are all over the place to even keep up a friendly conversation; I'll be constantly worried I'll put my foot in it again.

I regret not starting therapy (in this form) earlier than I did, because it might have prevented the damage that has ensued. I do feel like I need to prove it to myself that things have progressed over the past few months but I don't know if I can see it. There's hardly any opportunities.

Im sorry your troubles, friend, really. It really is easy to like an autistic-person in their novel and more-interesting moments, but when the masking and the procedure sees its end, it can be really hard work to draw an autistic-person back out of hermit-mode.  
It takes a proactive-person at-times to keep an autistic-friendship afloat, it takes more than declarative-statements and impulsiveness, it takes the daily-tasks and the maintenance-tasks to get through the downsides. But they don’t deserve you if they only exploit your good-side.

Sometimes it’s just nice to have a person to follow for-autists for a time, it takes someone to show an autist how to be flexible with emotions, so that they can expose themselves to healthy behaviours and attitudes.

For example, instead of ‘shame’ try ‘regret’; try to continue to participate in a social-interaction gone awry, instead of hiding from disapproval; try to respond to attempts from your social-group to return to normal, instead of refusing-reconciliation or self-destructing. Though believe me when I tell you, that I know how difficult that is, I’m a hypocrite..:’D

Keep up the therapy, yes, of course. I believe that everyone need a mentor or observer, that they respect and is respectable, to bring them down to earth. I hope you get to continue with your therapist, but return to the relationship lightly, you don’t need to rely on a single person to be happy and to see your goals fulfilled.. depressive-attacks pass as quickly as they come.. you’ve got this..:)

Also you type really-fast, I’m actually baffled, because it takes me ages, even though I consider myself average..

Im sorry your troubles, friend, really. It really is easy to like an autistic-person in their novel and more-interesting moments, but when the masking and the procedure sees its end, it can be really hard work to draw an autistic-person back out of hermit-mode.  
It takes a proactive-person at-times to keep an autistic-friendship afloat, it takes more than declarative-statements and impulsiveness, it takes the daily-tasks and the maintenance-tasks to get through the downsides. But they don’t deserve you if they only exploit your good-side.

Sometimes it’s just nice to have a person to follow for-autists for a time, it takes someone to show an autist how to be flexible with emotions, so that they can expose themselves to healthy behaviours and attitudes.

For example, instead of ‘shame’ try ‘regret’; try to continue to participate in a social-interaction gone awry, instead of hiding from disapproval; try to respond to attempts from your social-group to return to normal, instead of refusing-reconciliation or self-destructing. Though believe me when I tell you, that I know how difficult that is, I’m a hypocrite..:’D

Keep up the therapy, yes, of course. I believe that everyone need a mentor or observer, that they respect and is respectable, to bring them down to earth. I hope you get to continue with your therapist, but return to the relationship lightly, you don’t need to rely on a single person to be happy and to see your goals fulfilled.. depressive-attacks pass as quickly as they come.. you’ve got this..:)

Also you type really-fast, I’m actually baffled, because it takes me ages, even though I consider myself average..

I'm trying my hardest, although it does feel like I'm stuck in a rut sometimes. I always feel like I need to prove it with a grand gesture.

It was already hard to build on my confidence and it's doubly hard to do it now.

But yeah, I guess we'll see where we end up.

It seems-like you’re doing all the right-things, I think that you’re definitely progressing, and I also think the points that you a raising are valid. I know that I have experienced such discouragement, that I cant even-belief some of it happened, but it passes and fortunes do change.

I feel-like it is a-little indulgent of me to carry on rambling as I am. As you’re entitled to your low-moments, after all if we didn’t throw-down our pencil every once in a while, we wouldn’t manifest the courage it takes to pick it up again.

Ultimately I think you’re a smart-guy, ultimately I am rooting for you, and ultimately I prophesise that your gonna come out stronger. 
I want to do right by you, if its seems right to you, reread what I’ve projected onto because you deserve it. Good fringin luck man, really.. watch some comedy, a new day will dawn, I have faith..:)

I spent the last two years (up until May anyway) using Twitter to, basically, form a friendship group. I was never a social butterfly but I would have been happy with a solid group around me. I overcorrected and I was reaching out to far too many people and got myself into situations I knew I was unhappy in, but I had trapped myself. 

Ironically, what happened did get me out of situations I was unhappy with, but it shouldn't have taken that.

When we go abroad I intend to really limit my social media use - even more than already cos I'm not really using Twitter, Facebook, Instagram etc at all, but I'm on forums and Reddit. 

You know society was completely-unprepared for the technological-advancements that occurred in our generation (I say generation because technically I’m a millennial), it was completely-unprepared for the psychological-radiation of social-media and had no protection for those exposed to it, neither the users or the used. It still hasn’t got a handle on it..

It is both a blessing and curse, it can be used to distract-us and teach-us, it can be used to blind-us and warp-us.
Distraction is great because it allows us to avert our gaze, from the conscious and overt displays of depravity that the internet facilitates, that the same-device can dispense.  
Ironically distraction is the better-play for seeing-through intense-emotion, as opposed to what I am doing, which is engaging you in social-interaction..

Sorry about that.. I never said I was a pro.. perhaps Ricky Gervais will be your real-blessing..

CBT felt like I was chatting to my headteacher. This feels like I'm chatting to an actually friendly school counsellor.

My feelings surrounding the event are all over the place. It was entirely of my own doing, but I'm still angry and frustrated as to how it ended up playing out. I needed a wake-up call but I wish it didn't happen as brutally as it did because now I'm finding it 1000x harder to build myself back up.

I was on social media an awful lot and fell into communities that weren't the kindest. Every other day there was another person being piled on for something, it was inevitable that I was going to get caught up in one.

Well, I like British comedy & boybands mainly. I watch a lot of linear television (I know, I'm not 70).

CBT does have its place, but its requires that a person is in the mood to move-forward, with autism it requires specialist-involvement, because one does not start of with an unhealthy-behaviour, one starts off with being neurodiverse. So the behavioural approaches fall-flat when the practitioner doesn’t understand the root-causes.

Depressive-attacks aren’t fun but it essentially requires time to pass, how that passes can be supported more or less helpfully, so don’t feel like to need to dig into your triggering-event on my account. I understand what I need to know. If you want to be listened to then thats different, thats what we’re here for, as much as we are here to reassure.

Attempts at reputation-destruction and gossip, are the worse-part of dealing with the world for me, there seems to be a lot more of it to suffer than other-things, mostly because others-things can kill their victims and their wielders. So cowards are always going to be most-prevalent, but be reassured that they die way more deaths than the rest of us, it’s better to live and learn the way we do. Better to be genuine and accountable.

So, do you have any special-interests, if I may be so bold..?

I mean, I've had CBT at a younger age but it did nothing for me.

I'm certainly too anxious to reach out to anyone. How do I know that, after what happened, me having reached out at all would become a big topic of conversation and I'm being talked about behind my back again etc.

In some respects it has probably put me off attempting to form friendships permanently. I know that the guilt will eat me up eventually but it's much safer this way. At least this way I can't hurt anyone else anymore.

I probably wouldn't feel sorry for them; no one can blame anyone for not wanting to be friends with someone considered to be a horrible human being.

Next thing you know, you won’t have separation-anxiety, you’ll have separation-concern..:)

‘Regret’, nice word there bud, if you wanted proof of progression, you’ve got it right there. Starting therapy at 26 is nothing to scoff at, you’re actually quite an early starter, as am I because I’m 28..:D

I think if you’re too-anxious to start a friendly-conversation, then you are too-anxious, take a break. To be ‘worried’ is another amazing jump, because it is healthy; as opposed to being ‘anxious’, which is unhealthy. As long as you are needing time to get to ‘friendly-conversation’, you are being healthy, the problem arises when you withdraw from it.

As I have experienced, autistic-people tend to have an  endless-ability to bounce-back from discouragement, as long as they are still going. It is just a matter of time before they make a procedure of something they are following, the important-thing is that they are following and being exposed to the right-thing, which considering our non-standard cognition is in shamefully-low supply in society. 
It is unfortunate that our environment is so full of psychological-harmful effects, it is a shame that we are forced to develop-sometimes in unhealthy-ways, but it is nothing we cannot troubleshoot given time and tide, and the right exposures.

If you want a few of the strengths I have observed during our conversation:
I have observed that you seek genuine-interactions, that you are honest, that you have a keen-intellect, that you are looking to learn, that you don’t give up, that you are courteous, that you have a strong sense of accountability.

You’ve got a-lot going for you, Im starting to feel sorry for the people who’ve passed you up, by the time your finished you’ll be a monster who wont be easily-possessed by anyone..:D

DeSpereaux said:

Also you type really-fast, I’m actually baffled, because it takes me ages, even though I consider myself average..

I'm 26 and I've got nothing else to do with my time. 

The friends I had tolerated all of that neediness and clinginess (amazingly). It was this which was the catalyst and within 4 days I lost everyone. It wasn't anyone else's fault; it was 3 months ago but it still feels incredibly raw.

Bearing in mind, the majority of my friends were autistic too. There was just a lot there that I didn't even realise until afterwards, such as not putting pressure on other people (or myself).

I am in that stage of grief. I've had some well-meaning advice surrounding making new friends potentially but, to be brutally honest, at this moment in time I don't feel like I want to. I spent ages wanting to find those unbreakable bonds (as they felt) and I did, and I threw it all away. I took them for granted and I didn't realise just how lucky I was. It feels way too soon because my anxieties are all over the place to even keep up a friendly conversation; I'll be constantly worried I'll put my foot in it again.

I regret not starting therapy (in this form) earlier than I did, because it might have prevented the damage that has ensued. I do feel like I need to prove it to myself that things have progressed over the past few months but I don't know if I can see it. There's hardly any opportunities.