Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been speaking to a therapist since March; they're autistic and we'd speak every other week. I enjoy my sessions with them as I feel there's no judgement and they feel comfortable, although it's a lot harder to drop the mask than I thought (not their fault though).
I've become even more reliant on our sessions since a somewhat traumatic event that happened in May, because it's now only one of two outlets where I get to have a one-to-one conversation with someone on a regular basis.
They've currently been going through a difficult time and have had to take time away from work. We go abroad this week so by the time we come back, it will have been 8 weeks since our last session.
I'm having conflicting feelings. I would much rather they take all the time they need to be in the right headspace for our sessions, but losing that outlet to talk about things is difficult. I know it's not permanent and us going abroad (change of scenery and environment) might alleviate some of it but it hasn't stopped my emotions from being a bit more dysregulated than normal, and me feeling a bit lost.
You said you had conflicted-feelings, may task what you mean, it may help me get a better idea of the extent of your discouragement..? Though I will say that it is not uncommon to become attached to a service-providers services..
I understand why they've had to take time off but I still find it hard, and I feel guilty.
My life is very different to what it was even 4 months ago. I'm reliant on my sessions with my therapists as a means of even getting to have a conversation with anyone (who I've gotten to know).
Between the event and last week, I was able to at least speak to one of the two people (them and this other trusted contact). I won't be able to now until early September and I'm worried I'm going to be stuck in my own head.
Guilt is an unhealthy emotion. As it carries a theme of a broken moral-code, or feeling as if one has hurt or offended a significant-other, by failing to do something or committing a sin. It carries with it rigidity and it carries with it extremity. Ultimately it highlights a tendency to desire-to escape your feelings in self-defeating ways.
So having said that, I don’t know whether or not you can see that the prior text isn’t super-flexible, but it is what I have taken from this use of the word ‘guilt’. I believe that you are likely to feel a-lot better if you consider that you feel ‘remorse’ and not ‘guilt’, because you have done nothing wrong, you are not-considering that there are mitigating-factors to your situation. Such as the fact that you have a preference for bettering-yourself.
You have come far in your discussions with your therapist, YOU have come far, YOU are the one that broke that ice. Perhaps when you started you needed a push from your therapist, but you are not the same-person that was pushed, because now you are considering that you want to say more. Now you are remorseful that your conversation is unfinished, there are worse things to be than hungry my friend, you don’t necessary need your therapist to sate hunger.You say that it is not your therapist’s fault that you mask, well guess what, it’s not your fault either and you bore that responsibility anyway. You are stronger than you believe you are, you are flexible, and as such I believe you have the strength to forgive yourself your unhealth.
So chin-up H, be reassured that you’ve been here before and that you have conquered your discouragement, be reassured because we are also here for you, be reassured that we know a brave-one when we see one and that we can see you!
I'm trying my hardest, although it does feel like I'm stuck in a rut sometimes. I always feel like I need to prove it with a grand gesture.
It was already hard to build on my confidence and it's doubly hard to do it now.
But yeah, I guess we'll see where we end up.