Over the course of the last two years, I was able to form some friendships through Twitter. Through reaching out to autistic people, I was able to create bonds like I had never had before.
I am an autistic male and I did predominantly reach out to autistic women/femme people. The problem was I did this too much. Unbeknownst to me I was coming on too strong and trying to reach out to too many people.
Last month, some screenshots of conversations were shared publicly. Conversations I'd had with other people. It became a huge Twitter storm for a few days and I lost my entire support network.
I own what I did. Without wanting to use my autism as an excuse, through misreading things the conversations became inappropriate (sexual in nature) and I realise that it was just not appropriate to speak to or about women in that way, regardless of intent.
I did a statement but ultimately I knew I wasn't going to make amends so I came off all social media and basically disappeared. I knew I just needed to work on myself. I have an autistic therapist which is helpful and I have three professional contacts I speak to but very occasionally (once a week if that).
There are some silver linings. My social media usage was incredibly unhealthy anyway - refreshing Twitter basically all day and checking my follow list to see if anyone had blocked me was just wrong. I was beginning to enjoy engaging in the autistic community on Twitter a lot less even before this happened.
I know now to be more of an open book with friends (if I'm ever able to make any). Setting out boundaries, parameters, expectations etc from the off and creating a safe environment for both of us. I used to find friendships stressful because I'd have this small network of people I consider friends and then I'd still be talking to 30 other people on social media. My energy is spread really thinly, it becomes overwhelming and too much for me. I'd want a much smaller, tighter group.
I put pressure on myself to hold friendships together and I was never 100% honest with people as to how I felt about that. Part of creating a safe environment is so both of us can speak to each other without the fear of upsetting the other person, especially if one of us is unhappy with something.
There's other things about the nature of conversations I have. I just need to be careful about what I say in private with anyone.
I know I need to win back trust, but it'll take time. I also need to trust other people too, because I don't want to feel like every little thing I do and say is going to be blasted online.
So what am I doing now?
There's still an overwhelming fear of being doxxed, so I changed my phone number. I'm taking it on the chin - I've had my punishment and I'm facing the consequences so I could probably punish myself a bit less.
It has been difficult to see a future. I wanted to channel my experience into something positive, like a guide for Autistic adults. Maybe something like "online etiquette for autistic adults" and "understanding boundaries for autistic men". I don't want this kind of situation to happen to anyone again so I'd want to be part of the solution.