I'm in an incredibly isolating situation

HMO said:

With regards to the sexual conversation thing, perhaps more clearly it's a case of just not speaking to people I'm only on friendly terms with in that way.

I've known friends that do flirt and talk about sexual things. That said I imagine possibly at the time you thought maybe some of these women wanted to be more than friends? How are you supposed to transition from friendship to romance (or friends with benefits) if the conversation doesn't turn to sex at some point? I don't wish to be presumptuous by suggesting that's what you were aiming for but I want to emphasise thats a totally ok thing for an autistic person to want and try to do. To turn a friendship into something more. Again I don't see anyway for autistic people to try to do that that doesn't expose them to a greater risk of misunderstanding than their non autistic peers. Accepting that misunderstandings will happen is just part of inclusion.

HMO said:

I don't think I could have prevented this happening. It was very much a ticking time bomb situation and I don't think people were comfortable enough to address it with me personally. I could have created a safe enough environment but that's on me.

But how could you have created that environment if you didn't know it was an issue? Again you describe a situation where they could have prevented this, by choosing to have an uncomfortable conversation, but you couldn't because you didn't know there was an issue.

In the end the only way to 'come back' from something like this is to keep a high profile. It goes against most people's 'logic' because you tend to think 'keep a low profile' but if you keep a low profile the only version of you people will hear about is the twisted caricature your haters spread. What you need to do is address the issue, draw a line under it and move on and unashamedly put your best self out their so people can see you are not the 2D villein your detractors paint you as.

The vast majority of the people I was communicating with are autistic. I know full well that it's never going to be enough for some people.

If I had some kind of protection against any kind of threat or whatever, I wouldn't care. Unfortunately, these people are exactly the kind who could start another pile-on/witch-hunt if they as much as found out I was online again. No matter if it has been 2 years and I have moved forwards or whatever. 

There is a general culture of 'you said this 15 years ago, so you're still that person' from people who, when you zoom in on it, are not perfect themselves. 

With regards to the sexual conversation thing, perhaps more clearly it's a case of just not speaking to people I'm only on friendly terms with in that way. I knew that whatever I said would be torn apart but I would avoid those conversations with women I'm not actually 'with' in the future.

When I did my statement people said that I showed no remorse and that it wasn't sincere and that "you shouldn't have done it" but it's very easy to talk about the past. I can understand why the person went down this route; they wanted to 'warn people' against me and make an example I guess. The fact so many people came forward to say I'd done the same thing to them (up to 20 last I heard) will have vindicated their decision and has more-or-less killed any real hope I have of ever really coming back from this.

I don't think I could have prevented this happening. It was very much a ticking time bomb situation and I don't think people were comfortable enough to address it with me personally. I could have created a safe enough environment but that's on me.

Hears the thing. You say you didn't offer autism as an excuse and I think, respectfully, that was a mistake. You see if I kill a man depending on the excuse I offer in court it might be murder, manslaughter or not guilty. People these days tend to say things like 'there is no excuse for saying something like that,' rather lightly but when you think of it compared to, say, an excuse for killing some one, that's an absurd assertion to make.

In any large community there are always going to be a few people who hate you, who want you gone before you ever did anything you could reasonably be criticised for. If you hold your hands up and say, 'I have no excuse,' then years later if you try to come back and say, 'hey I'm a changed person,' guess what? They will say, 'he had no excuse, he was just an awful person then, so even if he's changed he doesn't deserve to come back.'

I'm going to assume you weren't malicious in any of your actions. That you didn't send any of those messages intending to cause offence or upset. You say its never appropriate to speak to women in a sexual way? In saying that you are essentially saying men shouldn't have sexual relationships with women. Because unless you are such a mind reader that you can know 'yes this women wants to have sex with me now' there is going to have to be some sexual talking at some point. So obviously there are situations where it is appropriate to send women sexual messages. And if your autism caused you to become confused as to what those situations were then yes that is a valid excuse.

Have you ever noticed how those who say, 'I have no excuse,' tend to follow it up with a 'but' and then immediately offer an excuse? It's just a disingenuous way of introducing an excuse. Personally I think if you have an excuse it's better to be direct and open about it. Holding up your hands and saying, 'I have no excuse,' will always be used against you down the line because there are haters and 'haters gona hate.'

Now you may think you were negligent. Maybe you were I don't know. But the difference between wilful killing and negligent killing can be the difference between murder and manslaughter. Also you have to ask by what standard were you negligent? Did you take fewer precautions than a neurotypical in the same situation? Should you be expected to take more because you find these things harder? Wouldn't that be a manifestly unfair expectation to place upon you?

You know I think communicating with people is a bit like driving a car and these 'incidents of offence' are a bit like car crashes. The difference is no one ever died from being offended. In fact being offended isn't harmful to a person at all, in fact some people might even say being offended can be good for a person in that it forces them to think about things they usually don't. Now beyond offensive behaviour there is harassing behaviour which can give people cause for alarm (and I say cause because not everyone who is alarmed has cause to be) but it doesn't sound like that was the situation here?

So what if you're disabled and your disability slows your reaction time on the road? Well obviously you wouldn't be allowed to drive but this is a metaphor and it would be manifestly unfair to ban autistic people from communicating (sexually or otherwise) because they might offend people. You could try driving more slowly but then traffic around you will be forced to slow down to your speed, or cars will zip past you cutting you up on the road. You will not be a part of the natural flow of traffic. You will either be excluded by default by traffic cutting you up on the road till you pull over or by the cops who'll pull you over for being a nuisance to others as you force them to slow down. If you want to interact with the 'flow' of neurotypical conversation you need to keep up with their speed and level of caution. You can't hesitate significantly more then they do or you will be left behind. That includes when it comes to flirtation and humour.

Unfortunately that means that autistic people will be involved in more communication collisions than their non autistic peers. That is the price of inclusion. Including disabled people is inconvenient. Whether it's only booking events in venues with wheel chair access or making sure your film has subtitles there is a cost associated with including disabled people, and accepting that now and again autistic people are going to say things that make other people uncomfortable is just one more of those costs.

That said the healthy way to deal with issues like this is not as a system of blame to 'call people out' for the awful things they've supposedly done or said. Instead you go to the person who's made you uncomfortable and tell them, and importantly tell them why. That way instead of a witch hunt you can actually help people improve their ability to communicate with you. In my view it's the people who start these witch hunts who need the etiquette guide.

I don't think I ever had an explicit chat, no. I did have a habit of pushing people for a response but not really understanding that maybe they just didn't want to. 

I've always struggled with ambiguity. If I have to assume/read someone's mind about something it can make things much harder. 

We talk about reasonable adjustments at work but not enough in terms of relationships. I would just be fully honest about needing things to be clear for me.

I think some kind of guide/warning would have helped me. I started using social media more when Covid first broke out, but I never weaned off it and was basically living on there.

Something like "this is what can happen if you're not careful" would definitely have definitely gotten me taking things more seriously.

You know you aren't the only Autistic man/teen to have come in here with a similar experience, but you seem to have at least learned a few things about boundaries in the process so that's at least a silver lining you can take from this awful experience.
I parent an autistic boy and I don't know if this chat isn't being had with other lads growing up or it's just too obscurely hinted at that it gets missed anyway but I decided to explicitly sit my lad down and talk about respect for people's time and space and to take no for an answer. Did you ever have a similar chat with anyone when younger?
And do you think that and a warning about online ettiquette could have helped you ?