Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, My son (age 17 +10 months) has just this last week received an autism diagnosis. He refuses to discuss it with us. He only agreed to go through with the diagnostic process to prove us wrong and shut us up about it once and for all. We received a 17 page report full of links to helpful websites, but really no practical help at all. I feel very much that it's a case of "here is the diagnosis, have a nice life". Where do we go from here? He's on the threshold of adulthood and no way of coping with adult life. He's already struggling in 6th form due to his poor executive function.
Your son obviously looks upon his diagnosis as an unwelcome, externally applied label. Before he can find 'workarounds', and they do exist, in order for him to function at his best in the rather autism-hostile society we live in, he really has to find the desire to acknowledge his autistic nature. All that is heard in general are the negatives concerning autism, but there are positives. Many autistics are creative people in both arts and sciences (science is both analytical and creative, mere analysis does not come up with General Relativity, nor Evolution by Natural selection). It might be worth pointing out to him that many of the greatest people of the past showed distinct autistic traits, people such as: Michelangelo, Isaac Newton, Mozart, Charles Darwin, Picasso and Albert Einstein.
I have found that my autism-generated ability to hyper-focus on a subject and eye for detail have been of great benefit to me in my work in scientific research.
From the post title I opened it expecting to find another post about someone being diagnosed in their 60s or 70s. I appreciate it may seem late at nearly 18 but your son has his whole adult life ahead of him.
It seems that he is in the denial stage of his autistic discovery journey. There's a useful article here about common reactions post diagnosis. That won't last forever, although he will likely need time and space to try and process the diagnosis at his own pace.
https://aucademy.co.uk/2022/01/20/six-common-reactions-during-autistic-discovery/
He may be able to get support or adjustments at 6th form or in any future educational or employment settings. However in general autistic adults are expected to advocate for themselves and work out what reasonable adjustments to ask for. That's something you'll be able to support him with at the appropriate time.
I suspect currently he does not want anyone to know and it's important that he knows he has control over that process, who to tell and when.
Mental health
Not sure what area you are in, but I am in contact with a mental healthy charity in Gloucestershire who also support autistic adults. There is little support out there, but it does depend on which area you're living in. Could Citizens Advice help, either online or a face to face meeting? They've helped me out.
Sadly, only the individual can choose to accept it ultimately.
But you could try focusing on the positives of autism. Think about his positive qualities, skills and aptitudes that are autistic ones and slowly, gently encourage him to see that you and others value these things about him.
We totally want to get him to that place of acceptance, but have no idea how to go about it. Any advice welcomed!
Yes, we have let them know, but it's half term we've not had a reply.
Parr for the course, I'm afraid. No there's no help on offer post-diagnosis.
Before we sound all too dome and gloom though, there is quite a lot your son can do for himself - for instance own and celebrate his diagnosis. He could talk to us. We'd help.
But he ain't in that space yet. I kinda get that. I have spoken with young autistic people who think that without a label they would have had a normal life. They wouldn't, of course. They are, like it or not, Autistic.
Work on the a acceptance issue first. Once he gets, yes it is true, but knows that absolutely does not mean he is either broken nor defective, he might start looking in the right place for validation and help
Unfortunately, the situation you have described is all too common. It's been the experience of many members here that after receiving a formal diagnosis, they are provided with links to sites like this.
I know there are members here that are far more knowledgeable than me, and more clued up about the kind of help and support that may be available for your son, or you (his family) regarding practical stuff. I'm assuming your son's 6th Form is aware of his diagnosis?