undiagnosed, family against the idea

Groovy - I am pleased to read this from you.

I am a fan of idioms.  "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.".....which means (in this instance).....be careful not to discard your family because of the emerging realities and challenges that you are experiencing with them.

At the age of 22, MANY people are trying to, or needing to, break away from their family nest to establish their own independent identity.  This is very healthy and normal.  As you seek that Independence, your brain will seek and amplify the differences and "bad" of your family = perfectly normal and reasonable.  However, life is a journey...who knows what will be thrown in your path....having cordial relations with your family (if at all possible) is almost certainly a goof idea.

The above is obviously just my opinion - others will have different perspectives and emphasise the "gas lighting" impression that you are feeling towards them at the moment.

Please tread carefully with your words, thoughts and actions at this time of your self-enlightenment.  Be careful not to conflate the various aspects of your situation at the moment.....ie, you seem to have reached three conclusions a) you are 'done' with the religious nature of your family b) you are sure you are autistic c) you want friends and independence.

I think your name is ironic "littlethinker".  It is pretty clear to me that you are a BIG thinker (as am I) so I can safely tell you that this is both a blessing and a curse in equal measure.  Tread carefully and purposefully.

With my very best wishes for you,

Number.

the receptionists are actually nice now. we used to have really mean ones, but the person i spoke to on the phone was so nice and warm that i feel like if i feel the need to switch i can do so. i’m so grateful for your replies and this community. i feel seen and heard for the first time in what feels like ever. 

i didn’t want to follow this advice, but even after one day i’m feeling so much more like myself then i ever had. i just let myself be. do what makes me feel safe and comfortable and it’s helping me. thank you for replying. this was so liberating. i don’t want to hide myself anymore 

thank you for replying. i’ve done a range of tests and each one points to autism. i’m also agnostic, but i can’t even come out with that. the more i think about it, they truly sound unhinged but are trying to convince me that i’m the crazy one. i can be a bit on the woo woo side, but that’s because it brings me more peace, but they are borderline delusional in their beliefs. it just is what it is. 

1. thank you Number. I was so close to just dismissing my family all together because this isn’t the first time they’ve dismissed my mental health and general well being, but you’re correct this is their reaction. I wish I could have included them in this discovery, but i’m so grateful for this new community that i’m not feeling so alone anymore. I have friends who are supporting me and I’m now aware of this forum. Thank you again 

I understand it's a tough position to be in, but if you have multiple doctors at your local surgery you can call the reception team and ask who you need to talk to to switch GP, just say you don't feel like you are compatible with your current GP and want to find a GP you'd be more comfortable with, you don't (shouldn't) need to go into any greater detail than that. I hope that helps somewhat.

Hi, only you know how you feel, don’t let people gaslight you. 

Quote.

there's been something wrong with me since birth.

your parents most probably got part of that correct., just that you don’t have anything wrong with you, autism isn’t a defect. You now have people to talk to, us. I would visit the gp on my own and not let family in anymore, you may decide an assessment isn’t for you yet. If yo go onto Uni, allowances for autism can be very beneficial.

You have tested the water with your family and I don’t think they will change. Maybe speak to a therapist or gp after taking some of the online tests.

My advice would be to do all you can to lean into your autistic side privately and see how it feels.

So try to make time to engage in your special interests and find a way to discreetly stim (finger taps, muscle tweaks, gentle rocking or swaying to music might work). Do you feel better when you do those things? It might reassure you if they do.

Also, try to rest as much as possible! If you are autistic and having to effectively hide it, you’ll be at risk of burnout. Which sounds scary.

But leaning into special interests, stimming and resting are helpful for openly autistic people in burnout. So if you can do those things in private, it might help. It’s not likely to be a long-term strategy though. Authenticity is important!

Hi, thank you for the responding to my post. It wasn’t that i was looking for permission, I just wanted them to be included in the process. I was going to do it alone and then come to them with a diagnosis should I get one, but they always talk about transparency so I wanted to be honest with them. 

thank you for responding to my post. i don’t know how to feel about the idea of them gaslighting me, but it is what they were doing. I have a GP and i’m hoping to see them sometime next week. They’re not the best, they’re just even borderline terrible, but it’s all i’ve got at the moment. 

In my experience no one seeks out an autism diagnosis for frivolous reasons, but because autism makes the most sense to them, to explain how they are. Try taking some online autism tests. AQ10 and AQ50 (sometimes called just 'AQ') are the most commonly used by clinicians in this country, but the RAADS-R is the most definitive. They can be found here: embrace-autism.com/.../
If you score in the autism range it will give you more certainty about following up on a diagnosis and give you useful ammunition to use in persuading your GP to refer you. I am a scientist and agnostic and to me your parents sound unhinged, sorry to be blunt. You do not have to involve them in your diagnosis path, or tell them of its outcome.

Hello Littlethinker.....I am Number.

Welcome to this place.  Your thoughts expressed above and the challenges that you are currently experiencing are not unusual.  You are most certainly not alone.  Being unsure is a sign of good balance and good character (in my opinion.). Congratulations on finding the energy and courage to write your first post above.

I do have some excellent news for you!  You are VERY welcome in this place.  You don't need to be sure of anything to hang out here with us.....and I have no doubt that if you do hang around these pages and join in when you have something to contribute....you will feel a little bit less lonely, learn quite a bit about how autistic people "are" - and maybe even make some friends.

It is VERY common for friends and family to deflate and discount your current suspicions that some of your realities come from being autistic.  It's just one of those hard facts of life that many of us face.  Please don't judge your kin too harshly for their reaction.....they are being very normal with their reaction.

Stick around and I'm sure you will bump into good people all over the place and garner helpful advice on have to navigate your course from hereon.

Best regards

Number.

I grew up in a high control religious group so I understand how attempting to have a reasonable conversation about mental health/any kind of difference from what is acceptable in the religion can be like. More hardcore religious groups do not like scientific and medical explanations because it undermines their beliefs and that in turn can threaten the believer's whole identity and world view. Trying to have a sensible conversation with someone that believes depression is caused by lack of faith or weakness and that therapists are satanists can never lead to feeling a) good about yourself if you feel any kind of sadness or "negative" feelings, b) feeling understood and validated. 

To reach some sort of clarity I wouldn't discuss autism with anyone that reacts with ignorance and invalidates your concerns. I am currently doing this myself because I am relatively new to accepting that I am autistic. It can feel destabilising to accept a new identity. It can feel vulnerable. I am actively choosing who I share my identity with. Right now I don't need the added stress of educating people and trying to get acceptance from people that maybe are incapable of giving that. 

Research autism and make notes about what you find. You will need this information if you decide to proceed with asking for a diagnosis anyway. At some point you may need to make a boundary with your family about how you are going to be in your own life. You are not alone in having this dilemma. Many people are made to feel inadequate or wrong for who they are by their families. You are what you are. It hurts to realise that your family won't or cannot support you. It doesn't mean that you are unworthy of acceptance and support. 

If you're over 18, why do you need your families permission to get a diagnosis? Surely you're doing it for your benefit, not theirs. I was 45 when I got diagnosed and I didn't tell anyone before hand. I think family members are inclined to be negative about it to try to cover up their own guilt for not noticing earlier or any insecurity they have about themselves.

Honestly you know yourself better than anyone, only you live in YOUR head 24/7, I'm sorry you are not receiving the support you need and deserve. I get that religion is important to your family but you can't let them use religion as a crutch to justify emotionaly abuse and gaslighting you. I'm guessing by your words you are either a young adult or adult now in which case I think you need to take your concerns to your GP yourself. and if you aven't got one or you feel in anyway like your last one is complicit in your family's influence then you should ask for a new GP, and find a service that will unde rthe right to choose scheme put you through an ASC assessment because it sounds like only definitive answers will bring you peace at this point. (sorry I'm one of the forum famous for typos)