Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I'm not entirely sure if I'm autistic or not, any certainty I did have is all but gone after a conversation I had with my family tonight. I've suffered from depression and anxiety more or less all my life. I always thought I was different compared to my peers. They always seemed to be able to talk to one another and get along 'naturally' but I always felt like I was faking or forcing it. I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember. I was always shy, and just never really understood people (there's more but I can't get into it, I'm already so tired just having to write the rest of this message).
I've been aware that I could potentially be autistic for about 2/3 years now, but recently, after one of the worst depressive episodes I've experienced, the idea has just been gnawing at me. I have really bad difficulty talking to my family about how I'm feeling because they always have a habit of making me feel weak minded and willed. They're really religious, so to them all my problems stem from the fact that I don't pray enough. But, when I tell them, I pray quite often, it becomes you don't pray hard enough then.
So today, I had the courage to tell my family what I think I've discovered. Big mistake. What once felt like some form of clarity has now just made me even more confused. The entire conversation basically boiled down to "I'm just easily influenced and accept any label that is given to me (even though no one has given me this label), I am weak minded and weak willed, there's been something wrong with me since birth, (I was supposed to be a twin, and then some random woman bathed me and so that affected me spiritually) that all of this is a problem with my spirit and there can't possibly be something wrong with me neurologically. That I'm just coming up with excuses as to why I can't go back to school. That if I was really autistic, wouldn't someone have noticed (I was a part of a survey spanning the length of my childhood (baby to about 15 years old)? What was supposed to be me telling my parents about this potential discovery, and my plan to getting the help I needed has just led to me spiralling; that I am a faker and looking for a cop out. Is there even a point going to the GP or seeing a therapist when they could be satanists (my parents words)? I just wanted some answers and now I feel lost all over again. I feel so alone. I don't have many friends, and just had a friendship end recently because of all the pressure I've been feeling from all aspects of my life. I don't even know what I'm expecting from this post. I just hate feeling so alone just when I thought I might finally be able to get somewhere.
Hello Littlethinker.....I am Number.
Welcome to this place. Your thoughts expressed above and the challenges that you are currently experiencing are not unusual. You are most certainly not alone. Being unsure is a sign of good balance and good character (in my opinion.). Congratulations on finding the energy and courage to write your first post above.
I do have some excellent news for you! You are VERY welcome in this place. You don't need to be sure of anything to hang out here with us.....and I have no doubt that if you do hang around these pages and join in when you have something to contribute....you will feel a little bit less lonely, learn quite a bit about how autistic people "are" - and maybe even make some friends.
It is VERY common for friends and family to deflate and discount your current suspicions that some of your realities come from being autistic. It's just one of those hard facts of life that many of us face. Please don't judge your kin too harshly for their reaction.....they are being very normal with their reaction.
Stick around and I'm sure you will bump into good people all over the place and garner helpful advice on have to navigate your course from hereon.
Best regards
Number.
Groovy - I am pleased to read this from you.
I am a fan of idioms. "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.".....which means (in this instance).....be careful not to discard your family because of the emerging realities and challenges that you are experiencing with them.
At the age of 22, MANY people are trying to, or needing to, break away from their family nest to establish their own independent identity. This is very healthy and normal. As you seek that Independence, your brain will seek and amplify the differences and "bad" of your family = perfectly normal and reasonable. However, life is a journey...who knows what will be thrown in your path....having cordial relations with your family (if at all possible) is almost certainly a goof idea.
The above is obviously just my opinion - others will have different perspectives and emphasise the "gas lighting" impression that you are feeling towards them at the moment.
Please tread carefully with your words, thoughts and actions at this time of your self-enlightenment. Be careful not to conflate the various aspects of your situation at the moment.....ie, you seem to have reached three conclusions a) you are 'done' with the religious nature of your family b) you are sure you are autistic c) you want friends and independence.
I think your name is ironic "littlethinker". It is pretty clear to me that you are a BIG thinker (as am I) so I can safely tell you that this is both a blessing and a curse in equal measure. Tread carefully and purposefully.
With my very best wishes for you,