Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I'm not entirely sure if I'm autistic or not, any certainty I did have is all but gone after a conversation I had with my family tonight. I've suffered from depression and anxiety more or less all my life. I always thought I was different compared to my peers. They always seemed to be able to talk to one another and get along 'naturally' but I always felt like I was faking or forcing it. I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember. I was always shy, and just never really understood people (there's more but I can't get into it, I'm already so tired just having to write the rest of this message).
I've been aware that I could potentially be autistic for about 2/3 years now, but recently, after one of the worst depressive episodes I've experienced, the idea has just been gnawing at me. I have really bad difficulty talking to my family about how I'm feeling because they always have a habit of making me feel weak minded and willed. They're really religious, so to them all my problems stem from the fact that I don't pray enough. But, when I tell them, I pray quite often, it becomes you don't pray hard enough then.
So today, I had the courage to tell my family what I think I've discovered. Big mistake. What once felt like some form of clarity has now just made me even more confused. The entire conversation basically boiled down to "I'm just easily influenced and accept any label that is given to me (even though no one has given me this label), I am weak minded and weak willed, there's been something wrong with me since birth, (I was supposed to be a twin, and then some random woman bathed me and so that affected me spiritually) that all of this is a problem with my spirit and there can't possibly be something wrong with me neurologically. That I'm just coming up with excuses as to why I can't go back to school. That if I was really autistic, wouldn't someone have noticed (I was a part of a survey spanning the length of my childhood (baby to about 15 years old)? What was supposed to be me telling my parents about this potential discovery, and my plan to getting the help I needed has just led to me spiralling; that I am a faker and looking for a cop out. Is there even a point going to the GP or seeing a therapist when they could be satanists (my parents words)? I just wanted some answers and now I feel lost all over again. I feel so alone. I don't have many friends, and just had a friendship end recently because of all the pressure I've been feeling from all aspects of my life. I don't even know what I'm expecting from this post. I just hate feeling so alone just when I thought I might finally be able to get somewhere.
Honestly you know yourself better than anyone, only you live in YOUR head 24/7, I'm sorry you are not receiving the support you need and deserve. I get that religion is important to your family but you can't let them use religion as a crutch to justify emotionaly abuse and gaslighting you. I'm guessing by your words you are either a young adult or adult now in which case I think you need to take your concerns to your GP yourself. and if you aven't got one or you feel in anyway like your last one is complicit in your family's influence then you should ask for a new GP, and find a service that will unde rthe right to choose scheme put you through an ASC assessment because it sounds like only definitive answers will bring you peace at this point. (sorry I'm one of the forum famous for typos)
thank you for responding to my post. i don’t know how to feel about the idea of them gaslighting me, but it is what they were doing. I have a GP and i’m hoping to see them sometime next week. They’re not the best, they’re just even borderline terrible, but it’s all i’ve got at the moment.