Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I'm not entirely sure if I'm autistic or not, any certainty I did have is all but gone after a conversation I had with my family tonight. I've suffered from depression and anxiety more or less all my life. I always thought I was different compared to my peers. They always seemed to be able to talk to one another and get along 'naturally' but I always felt like I was faking or forcing it. I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember. I was always shy, and just never really understood people (there's more but I can't get into it, I'm already so tired just having to write the rest of this message).
I've been aware that I could potentially be autistic for about 2/3 years now, but recently, after one of the worst depressive episodes I've experienced, the idea has just been gnawing at me. I have really bad difficulty talking to my family about how I'm feeling because they always have a habit of making me feel weak minded and willed. They're really religious, so to them all my problems stem from the fact that I don't pray enough. But, when I tell them, I pray quite often, it becomes you don't pray hard enough then.
So today, I had the courage to tell my family what I think I've discovered. Big mistake. What once felt like some form of clarity has now just made me even more confused. The entire conversation basically boiled down to "I'm just easily influenced and accept any label that is given to me (even though no one has given me this label), I am weak minded and weak willed, there's been something wrong with me since birth, (I was supposed to be a twin, and then some random woman bathed me and so that affected me spiritually) that all of this is a problem with my spirit and there can't possibly be something wrong with me neurologically. That I'm just coming up with excuses as to why I can't go back to school. That if I was really autistic, wouldn't someone have noticed (I was a part of a survey spanning the length of my childhood (baby to about 15 years old)? What was supposed to be me telling my parents about this potential discovery, and my plan to getting the help I needed has just led to me spiralling; that I am a faker and looking for a cop out. Is there even a point going to the GP or seeing a therapist when they could be satanists (my parents words)? I just wanted some answers and now I feel lost all over again. I feel so alone. I don't have many friends, and just had a friendship end recently because of all the pressure I've been feeling from all aspects of my life. I don't even know what I'm expecting from this post. I just hate feeling so alone just when I thought I might finally be able to get somewhere.
I grew up in a high control religious group so I understand how attempting to have a reasonable conversation about mental health/any kind of difference from what is acceptable in the religion can be like. More hardcore religious groups do not like scientific and medical explanations because it undermines their beliefs and that in turn can threaten the believer's whole identity and world view. Trying to have a sensible conversation with someone that believes depression is caused by lack of faith or weakness and that therapists are satanists can never lead to feeling a) good about yourself if you feel any kind of sadness or "negative" feelings, b) feeling understood and validated.
To reach some sort of clarity I wouldn't discuss autism with anyone that reacts with ignorance and invalidates your concerns. I am currently doing this myself because I am relatively new to accepting that I am autistic. It can feel destabilising to accept a new identity. It can feel vulnerable. I am actively choosing who I share my identity with. Right now I don't need the added stress of educating people and trying to get acceptance from people that maybe are incapable of giving that.
Research autism and make notes about what you find. You will need this information if you decide to proceed with asking for a diagnosis anyway. At some point you may need to make a boundary with your family about how you are going to be in your own life. You are not alone in having this dilemma. Many people are made to feel inadequate or wrong for who they are by their families. You are what you are. It hurts to realise that your family won't or cannot support you. It doesn't mean that you are unworthy of acceptance and support.