Published on 12, July, 2020
I was out yesterday with a person whom I met for the second time in my life. We watched a documentary in cinema, called The Cathedral I'd recommend it, and chatted afterwards for 2 hours in what seemed to me a very noisy place, which is a regular bar without any loud music. Sometimes the noise seemed unbareable and sometimes I was focused on the discussion so I didn't notice it much. I had one beer and didn't find our discussions very interesting, they were just ok. Maybe because it's a new person to me and I'm not sure how meaningful, personal discussions can be. I tried my best not to mask, which means I didn't put lot of effort to smile at whatever is said to me or try hard to seem engaged, interested and come up with topics. I was just trying to do what makes sense to me. This is all new to me..
Today, It's like I have a hangover. I can't handle listening to music while working, even tho I usually do. I don't want to socialise with others. I feel like someone who can't even smell alcohol after a long night of drinking. I am drained and slightly out of energy. Like a down mood. I am even bit tired to work as well but I still can handle it.
I'm very new to the realisation that I probably am on the spectrum. I'm very new to unmasking and realising all thess things while and after socialising in public spaces. I have planned meeting with a friend tomorrow and I'm not sure if I can do it! sorry if you find this story boring or without any interesting content, but it would mean a lot if someone can relate to it, maybe tell me about how you experience these situations or give me some info so I can research more and maybe understand my needs better.
That’s a good idea. I am still new at work and my colleagues are lovely but it can still be exhausting. I’ve decided lunch with them Is something I will avoid... I only joined 2x so far and it basically resulted in me needing a break straight after lunch to recover which is very counterproductive haha
True, with other responsibilities or anxiety or worries taxing my budget, the social one keeps getting lower.
I get this too. I find it helps to set a budget for how many hours per day/week I can comfortably spend around others and not go over it.
Professional relationships are the worst. I have 2 friends with whom I actually gain energy after I talk to them and not the contrary. They are both on the spectrum.
Great term. I also experience this. I need to dose socialising carefully - it does depend on the person too- there are some very special friends that somehow defy the pattern though, which is nice. I find it particularly hard when I am around people all day at work- it really exhausts me...
I like how you describe it as a social hangover. I’ve aways felt like I have some sort of backward anxiety, where I feel anxious and overthink how an acted or what I said after an event (rather than usually with anxiety you feel nervous and anxious before you do the thing). It’s almost like I feel over tired or can’t settle after a social event or time when I felt like a I had masked a lot
I get the same reaction as you. I agree with what others have written, especially having recovery time built into your schedule after socialising.
For me, even though it's unconscious, the masking tires me out. Also, I have verbal communication problems and I find it hard (and tiring) trying to understand and process what someone's saying.
Personally, when possible, I don't schedule more than one interaction per week. Any more than that stresses me out before and afterwards. [I'm housebound so I can do this, it's not realistic for everyone, but perhaps think of your personal limits on interactions. It's important that we do interact but that we do it in a way that's hopefully more comfortable.]
Wow, same for me! After having to go out, I wake up the next day with flu symptoms: raw/sore throat, muscle aches and extreme fatigue. I have to have a quiet day at home to feel better.
I'm glad I read your comment. I'm not the only one experiencing that! Thank you.
It's exhausting, most of the time.
Even going shopping, today, was tiresome.
Thank you for sharing. This is definitely interesting to me. I've never connected a social event to actual virus symptoms. I'm sorry that you have to go through all this after socialising.
Now I'm thinking about how scared I am of loneliness. The more I learn about my true self, the more I feel disconnected from others or less able to handle socialising.
Yes. I feel like I need to sleep more
I definitely get social hangover feelings too, and going to the cinema also leaves me feeling "punch-drunk" with sensory overload.
That strikes a chord for sure. I'd describe what happens to me after such very occasional outings is that I come home with a kind of intstant flu. Like my immune system is in overdrive. I am drained but shaky, I can't get heat into me and have to get into bed with the electric blanket on as soon as possible and work through a very real chill//fever combination. I have to get a hot cup of tea into me to sooth a throat that feels like I've been gargling razor blades. And it's like I have to go into an intense healing coma just from the experience of a bit of light socialising - conversation over a meal, a trip to the theatre. Nothing hardcore, and yet...
As you say, it's the environmental overwhelm as much as anything, but the whole cocktail of ingredients in the experience is taxing beyond belief in a way that most people would struggle to understand.
I have the same issue.
Being out, for so long, drains me. I tend to oversleep.
Oh, I'm already reading about it. I've never thought about it before. I'm in tears right now discovering all those ways and tools that can help me understand myself and actually help myself be happier.. it's unbelievably long time that I went through similar situations without knowing what to do
Makes sense. This is all new to me and it's a great point to notice what exactly was the most draining thing.
Thank you
Hi Ree,
Have you ever heard of spoon theory. It’s used across disability communities and I find it very useful in terms of talking about how my autism affects me. It essentially an idea of managing and tracking energy. Every day you have a certain amount of spoons, different tasks take varying amounts of spoons. Doing other things might recover some spoons. Using less spoons one day might give you more the next, or using more one day will give you less the following day. Generally speaking once you’ve used your spoons for the day you’re done but there is the idea of overspending spoons. So using spoons you don’t actually have leaving you in a spoon deficit of sorts.
You did something pretty spoon intensive yesterday by my standards, yours might be different, so to me it’s not surprising to find that you are struggling today as you have a lot less energy. Having that lesser amount of energy can make sensory experience harder to deal with.
If you want to do things tomorrow, then it’s important to try and recover today. Don’t push to hard in work, do things that relax you and give you energy this evening and get plenty of sleep.
You’re definitely not alone when it comes to experiencing social hangovers.
Hope this has helped and you feel better,
Dan
I can completely relate. I've had quite a heavy week and I'm really feeling the effects today.
I find it helpful to be aware of the situations that cause you to feel drained or that you know will take a fair chunk of energy and plan to have some 'recovery' time afterwards or the next day so that you can recharge. It can take time to figure out what these are so be kind to yourself and try to be aware of how things are affecting you, I find writing them down helps.