Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve read a few bits since being here that have got me thinking today. Although I’m glad I found out I’m asd, and it explains so much of my life, I’m also angry because honestly I’d really rather not be. I’m also starting to think it’s taking over my life… Everything I do now in the back of my head it’ll be ‘thats the autism’. So part of that is well it’s okay, you don’t need to feel bad about not fitting in anymore or the meltdowns, but now I can’t get it out of my head. It’s almost like I’ve become stuck. Constantly reading about it, assessing things I do, knowing that if I don’t want to do something I don’t actually have to because of it. That in itself is becoming another addition that’s contributing to the burnout, which is ridiculous.
Anyone else feel like this?
You raise a good point.
I believe (from memory) that you are circa half my age and have therefore found out about your autistic foundation at a reasonably young age. I can imagine that it must be as you describe in your post - ie dominating your thoughts about yourself, your behaviours and your being.
My autistic reality was revealed to me only recently in the grand scale of my years. Rather than obsessing about "which bits" are my autism and which bits are not, I have the benefit of "rewinding" my life to remote-view it from the future = blissfully informative!
Although I cannot, therefore, identify with what you have written above in relationship to "autism" I can ABSOLUTELY ASSURE YOU that I experienced all of the feelings that you describe above - but within the context of "what the hell is wrong with me!"
I am not sure whether or not I would prefer to have led my life to date "knowing" that it was autism or "not knowing" what the hell it has been.
In either event, I think that on balance, I can answer your beautifully simple question with a YES - "Anyone else feel like this?" - YES
I’m the same age. I’ve stopped watching YouTube videos now a while ago as I felt it was getting repetitive. And I agree, I don’t even know what would be me without the masking, because at my age this is all I know. I was also told to consider getting an adhd assessment but I decided against that. I think I know enough that it’s definitely there. And yes, I don’t think I’ll ever work it out, possibly I would have if this had come to light when I was younger.
Yeah I felt like that too just after I was diagnosed. I think I’ve finally settled on the fact that it’s pretty clear to me at least that I am. Including the fact it’s obvious certain family members are. I just wish I could get it out of the background now in my head, whenever I do anything through the day. I guess I’m worried that I’m at the end of the rollercoaster and this is how it’s going to be forever and it’ll never go away. Which obviously it’ll never go away now as it’s part of me. But analysing myself and the things I do isn’t going to make any difference.
Hi I had this after I realised I was autistic. This co-incided with lockdown so didn't have a massive amount else to do. I watched so many videos on ASD, a few of which I really identified with. Being in my 50's I have no idea what is me, what is asd, what is adhd, even though I have read so much. Don't beat yourself up about it, give yourself time and space to work things out, but be aware you may never work things out.
Rob
100%. There have been a few times in the last couple of weeks where I’ve openly said to my wife that I wish id never started down this route.
I’ve gone from just thinking I’m a bit odd/antisocial, to almost being completely fixated with autism. Constantly asking myself if I could be faking it, or was the diagnosis right, “I don’t do this that a lot of other autistic people do, so I can’t have it”.
It’s good to have an explanation for the way I am, but I wasn’t expecting the post-diagnosis rollercoaster I’ve been on!