Post diagnosis

You raise a good point.

I believe (from memory) that you are circa half my age and have therefore found out about your autistic foundation at a reasonably young age.  I can imagine that it must be as you describe in your post - ie dominating your thoughts about yourself, your behaviours and your being.

My autistic reality was revealed to me only recently in the grand scale of my years.  Rather than obsessing about "which bits" are my autism and which bits are not, I have the benefit of "rewinding" my life to remote-view it from the future = blissfully informative!

Although I cannot, therefore, identify with what you have written above in relationship to "autism" I can ABSOLUTELY ASSURE YOU that I experienced all of the feelings that you describe above - but within the context of "what the hell is wrong with me!"

I am not sure whether or not I would prefer to have led my life to date "knowing" that it was autism or "not knowing" what the hell it has been.

In either event, I think that on balance, I can answer your beautifully simple question with a YES - "Anyone else feel like this?" - YES

I wish I was younger, I certainly feel like I am in my head, but unfortunately the aches and wrinkles say otherwise! I’m 50 and was diagnosed last year. 

I think I’ve looked back over the years wondering if I’d have taken a different route knowing what I now know. I haven’t had a great life, was in a DV relationship at a young age and always put that down to my troubles with other people. Maybe not now, I have no idea. I feel like I’ve wasted my life. I spend half of my time not caring if I wake in the morning, and the other half worrying that I’m at the age where people start to get ill. 

Finding out feels like another burden to carry - if that makes any sense at all. But then it’s also like a revelation. 

Ugh.

I wish I was younger, I certainly feel like I am in my head, but unfortunately the aches and wrinkles say otherwise! I’m 50 and was diagnosed last year. 

I think I’ve looked back over the years wondering if I’d have taken a different route knowing what I now know. I haven’t had a great life, was in a DV relationship at a young age and always put that down to my troubles with other people. Maybe not now, I have no idea. I feel like I’ve wasted my life. I spend half of my time not caring if I wake in the morning, and the other half worrying that I’m at the age where people start to get ill. 

Finding out feels like another burden to carry - if that makes any sense at all. But then it’s also like a revelation. 

Ugh.

Could you try and find a new hobby? I imagine it would be quite common for some people to feel bit lost after retirement if their work meant so much to them (though personally if I make it that far I can’t wait but I do have many, many hobbies I can’t seem to find time for due to exhaustion). Or maybe as a suggestion, pt gardening work? One of my neighbours has a retired gardener. He doesn’t weed but cuts the grass and trims one hedge for them as they can’t quite manage it anymore. 

Number said:

"Oh bugger, I've screwed up my life and the lives of others around me through self-ignorance.  Now that I have the knowledge of why (to a large extent) that is the case, I am going to USE that knowledge to ensure that the next quarter century is f**king brilliant!"

I echo your response :

it’s easier said than done

I'm pushing 78 this May and although my ASD history has in comparison to many, allowed me the ability to focus on my work with an intensity unknown to NT's. Since my diagnosis (a year ago)  I thought it would allow me to be more at ease with myself with answers. I continue to beat myself up loosing my self worth. My past escape from these thoughts was always through a focus on my work. Since my retirement at 75 (see my profile) it's really been a living hell for me with all this spare time. I can only relate to many negative past experiences starting in a friendless childhood carrying onto as a friendless OAP.  Unplugged's quote is "easier said than done."

As autistic people we are naturally inclined to obsess over things and research things intensely. I think for some of us it seems we can obsess over autism itself. Autism is a very interesting subject after all. I don’t personally do this because I’m usually much too busy worrying about other stuff!

Absolutely agree with the lockdown. I was a lot more productive in my home too as I wasn’t tied to the morning rush of getting ready. 

I’ve been tired and have little interest in anything else for over a year. Lockdown was the nicest days I’ve ever had, it was having a year of quiet and not dealing with people, it was so beneficial, after lockdown finished was when my life imploded. I had to examine every single part of my  life and to be honest, not blame myself so much now. I wasn’t a bad person, I was just confused and over stimulated most of the time. If the anxiety could be tamed, the rest I can cope with. I think knowing at an earlier age would have made me a better parent.

Trust me Zoe....I know how hard it is.....and I'm not succeeding myself (with any meaningful consistency) to consider myself succeeding at delivering on my own advice either.  But as they say, "if you don't have a dream, how you gunna have a dream come true!"

Keep smiling.  Keep in touch.

Yes this is exactly it. It’s that extra thing that’s on top of already being exhausted. And yes, I guess it is the latest special interest, I’d never thought of that. It seems to be going on for a long time though. I usually flit between different special interests (likely add too) but this doesn’t seem to be going away. 

Number said:

."Oh bugger, I've screwed up my life and the lives of others around me through self-ignorance.  Now that I have the knowledge of why (to a large extent) that is the case, I am going to USE that knowledge to ensure that the next quarter century is f**king brilliant!"

Yes do keep telling myself I need to do this, but it’s easier said than done. I guess one of the things that annoys me is I never go anywhere. And I’m getting slightly fed up with it now, after all it’s been a long time. 

I’ve felt this myself at age 52, having been raised a Catholic in Rural Ireland and having been told that my autism is a a consequence of my childhood disobedience, which has resulted in “punishment from God” which has been screamed at me by certain extended family members, yet ironically, it’s been my own personal sense of Catholic faith that has carried me through this, even during my being gay in my teens up to 15 years ago - I’d now be very reluctant to reconnect with the gay community given my own experiences of non-acceptance at the hands of the gay community up to 15 years ago, even though I’m aware that many LGBT’s are autistic 

I fully understand where you are coming from, I’m in my 50’s and seem to now lead an autistic life, it became my new special interest. Finally knowing why I’m different has been a double edged sword. I would love to visit myself in my 20’s and tell me so much. I almost mourn the person who portrayed me. I’m struggling to know what bits are me and what is the masked me. I never really stop thinking about autism, that on its own is exhausting.

Sorry that I mis-aged you.  Not a strength of mine.

This is going to sound trite, so apologies in advance, but I think it is true - and is certainly the path that I am now taking.......

Don't get stuck looking back into the past.  The past has happened.  Its over.  There is immense value in looking back into the past and I do it often.....not just my life, but the lives of others and the civilisations, beliefs and behaviours that have come before.  BUT.......don't get STUCK looking back.

My approach is thus......."Oh bugger, I've screwed up my life and the lives of others around me through self-ignorance.  Now that I have the knowledge of why (to a large extent) that is the case, I am going to USE that knowledge to ensure that the next quarter century is f**king brilliant!"

Keep smiling Zoe......we are not as old as we feel.....we are capable of sustained brilliance.