Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve read a few bits since being here that have got me thinking today. Although I’m glad I found out I’m asd, and it explains so much of my life, I’m also angry because honestly I’d really rather not be. I’m also starting to think it’s taking over my life… Everything I do now in the back of my head it’ll be ‘thats the autism’. So part of that is well it’s okay, you don’t need to feel bad about not fitting in anymore or the meltdowns, but now I can’t get it out of my head. It’s almost like I’ve become stuck. Constantly reading about it, assessing things I do, knowing that if I don’t want to do something I don’t actually have to because of it. That in itself is becoming another addition that’s contributing to the burnout, which is ridiculous.
Anyone else feel like this?
You raise a good point.
I believe (from memory) that you are circa half my age and have therefore found out about your autistic foundation at a reasonably young age. I can imagine that it must be as you describe in your post - ie dominating your thoughts about yourself, your behaviours and your being.
My autistic reality was revealed to me only recently in the grand scale of my years. Rather than obsessing about "which bits" are my autism and which bits are not, I have the benefit of "rewinding" my life to remote-view it from the future = blissfully informative!
Although I cannot, therefore, identify with what you have written above in relationship to "autism" I can ABSOLUTELY ASSURE YOU that I experienced all of the feelings that you describe above - but within the context of "what the hell is wrong with me!"
I am not sure whether or not I would prefer to have led my life to date "knowing" that it was autism or "not knowing" what the hell it has been.
In either event, I think that on balance, I can answer your beautifully simple question with a YES - "Anyone else feel like this?" - YES
I wish I was younger, I certainly feel like I am in my head, but unfortunately the aches and wrinkles say otherwise! I’m 50 and was diagnosed last year.
I think I’ve looked back over the years wondering if I’d have taken a different route knowing what I now know. I haven’t had a great life, was in a DV relationship at a young age and always put that down to my troubles with other people. Maybe not now, I have no idea. I feel like I’ve wasted my life. I spend half of my time not caring if I wake in the morning, and the other half worrying that I’m at the age where people start to get ill.
Finding out feels like another burden to carry - if that makes any sense at all. But then it’s also like a revelation.
Ugh.
Sorry that I mis-aged you. Not a strength of mine.
This is going to sound trite, so apologies in advance, but I think it is true - and is certainly the path that I am now taking.......
Don't get stuck looking back into the past. The past has happened. Its over. There is immense value in looking back into the past and I do it often.....not just my life, but the lives of others and the civilisations, beliefs and behaviours that have come before. BUT.......don't get STUCK looking back.
My approach is thus......."Oh bugger, I've screwed up my life and the lives of others around me through self-ignorance. Now that I have the knowledge of why (to a large extent) that is the case, I am going to USE that knowledge to ensure that the next quarter century is f**king brilliant!"
Keep smiling Zoe......we are not as old as we feel.....we are capable of sustained brilliance.
Could you try and find a new hobby? I imagine it would be quite common for some people to feel bit lost after retirement if their work meant so much to them (though personally if I make it that far I can’t wait but I do have many, many hobbies I can’t seem to find time for due to exhaustion). Or maybe as a suggestion, pt gardening work? One of my neighbours has a retired gardener. He doesn’t weed but cuts the grass and trims one hedge for them as they can’t quite manage it anymore.
Number said:"Oh bugger, I've screwed up my life and the lives of others around me through self-ignorance. Now that I have the knowledge of why (to a large extent) that is the case, I am going to USE that knowledge to ensure that the next quarter century is f**king brilliant!"
I echo your response :
it’s easier said than done
I'm pushing 78 this May and although my ASD history has in comparison to many, allowed me the ability to focus on my work with an intensity unknown to NT's. Since my diagnosis (a year ago) I thought it would allow me to be more at ease with myself with answers. I continue to beat myself up loosing my self worth. My past escape from these thoughts was always through a focus on my work. Since my retirement at 75 (see my profile) it's really been a living hell for me with all this spare time. I can only relate to many negative past experiences starting in a friendless childhood carrying onto as a friendless OAP. Unplugged's quote is "easier said than done."
Trust me Zoe....I know how hard it is.....and I'm not succeeding myself (with any meaningful consistency) to consider myself succeeding at delivering on my own advice either. But as they say, "if you don't have a dream, how you gunna have a dream come true!"
Keep smiling. Keep in touch.
Number said:."Oh bugger, I've screwed up my life and the lives of others around me through self-ignorance. Now that I have the knowledge of why (to a large extent) that is the case, I am going to USE that knowledge to ensure that the next quarter century is f**king brilliant!"
Yes do keep telling myself I need to do this, but it’s easier said than done. I guess one of the things that annoys me is I never go anywhere. And I’m getting slightly fed up with it now, after all it’s been a long time.