Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve read a few bits since being here that have got me thinking today. Although I’m glad I found out I’m asd, and it explains so much of my life, I’m also angry because honestly I’d really rather not be. I’m also starting to think it’s taking over my life… Everything I do now in the back of my head it’ll be ‘thats the autism’. So part of that is well it’s okay, you don’t need to feel bad about not fitting in anymore or the meltdowns, but now I can’t get it out of my head. It’s almost like I’ve become stuck. Constantly reading about it, assessing things I do, knowing that if I don’t want to do something I don’t actually have to because of it. That in itself is becoming another addition that’s contributing to the burnout, which is ridiculous.
Anyone else feel like this?
You raise a good point.
I believe (from memory) that you are circa half my age and have therefore found out about your autistic foundation at a reasonably young age. I can imagine that it must be as you describe in your post - ie dominating your thoughts about yourself, your behaviours and your being.
My autistic reality was revealed to me only recently in the grand scale of my years. Rather than obsessing about "which bits" are my autism and which bits are not, I have the benefit of "rewinding" my life to remote-view it from the future = blissfully informative!
Although I cannot, therefore, identify with what you have written above in relationship to "autism" I can ABSOLUTELY ASSURE YOU that I experienced all of the feelings that you describe above - but within the context of "what the hell is wrong with me!"
I am not sure whether or not I would prefer to have led my life to date "knowing" that it was autism or "not knowing" what the hell it has been.
In either event, I think that on balance, I can answer your beautifully simple question with a YES - "Anyone else feel like this?" - YES
I wish I was younger, I certainly feel like I am in my head, but unfortunately the aches and wrinkles say otherwise! I’m 50 and was diagnosed last year.
I think I’ve looked back over the years wondering if I’d have taken a different route knowing what I now know. I haven’t had a great life, was in a DV relationship at a young age and always put that down to my troubles with other people. Maybe not now, I have no idea. I feel like I’ve wasted my life. I spend half of my time not caring if I wake in the morning, and the other half worrying that I’m at the age where people start to get ill.
Finding out feels like another burden to carry - if that makes any sense at all. But then it’s also like a revelation.
Ugh.
I fully understand where you are coming from, I’m in my 50’s and seem to now lead an autistic life, it became my new special interest. Finally knowing why I’m different has been a double edged sword. I would love to visit myself in my 20’s and tell me so much. I almost mourn the person who portrayed me. I’m struggling to know what bits are me and what is the masked me. I never really stop thinking about autism, that on its own is exhausting.
As autistic people we are naturally inclined to obsess over things and research things intensely. I think for some of us it seems we can obsess over autism itself. Autism is a very interesting subject after all. I don’t personally do this because I’m usually much too busy worrying about other stuff!