Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello! New here, and newly diagnosed. I feel like I'm on a bit of a rollercoaster with the diagnosis. One minute fine; "well duh, it's obvious I'm autistic", the next just kinda sad or frustrated at things that have happened in the past that might have been different if I'd known.
One such thing is my career. I feel like I chose it in a very autistic way. It was strategic and made sense because I could see a neat row of dots which I could connect together to do "the right thing" for my family.. But I'd also dropped out of school at 12, so I had to complete five years of study to actually get to the job I had decided I was going to do. I hated every minute of my studies. Up to that point in my life I had always quit everything, and unfortunately for present-day-me this was the moment I decided I was going to change my ways. Eight years later, I am miserable.
In the last two years alone I've taken three extended periods of time off sick due to "mental health difficulties". I realise now it was likely burn out each time. I hit an all time low yesterday and nearly quit on the spot. I literally did no work all day, instead just talking myself down from acting impulsively. Today I have logged myself as absent and have already decided I won't work again this year. I have realised I need to change my job, and I need a bit of mental space to think about it. So I'm taking it.
I guess what I'm really curious to know is, is this... common? Or maybe just what are you experiences of the working world as autistic adults? How did you select your career path? Do you love your job? Did you get it "right" first time? If not, how did you go about switching? Is it possible that I'm always going to go through burnout cycles because finding jobs that carry any level of satisfaction is actually pretty unlikely? I do kind of feel like I'm just going to be miserable for the rest of my life no matter how hard or long I work to try and make things better.
How do you get away with not teaching undergrad classes? That's at least 50% of the workload for every science academic I know.
Like I said, content writing.
Hi HP35, what is your job? Sounds ideal!
Hi, I don't know if what I can offer as answers to your questions will be relevant or not. I have only experienced panic attack on perhaps two Ish occasions and not sure if that is a "burn-out" and my experiences are unique to my life.
"what are you experiences of the working world as autistic adults?": I'm a hands-on doer guy which is basically built on my own skills level, so working as a team effort has been alien to my work experience. I was able to interact briefly with colleagues through the many masks I adopted.
"How did you select your career path?": I knew at an early age that I would never be an academic tied to a work desk. So, complimented by a rare parental comment that I will never go hungry with a trade skill, I opted to join four years of formal training at city run automotive trade school in NYC. This is where I learned multi-skills in mechanics, auto electrics, metal working, hydraulics and troubleshooting. I was lucky to have such a facility.
"Do you love your job?" I have never chosen a job I did not feel comfortable with and yes one or two I did love and would have been happy to remain with until retirement.
"Did you get it "right" first time?": Almost! After graduating trade school, I foolishly thought I would like to teach there and went to a Teachers Training college. I treated college as my workplace but was like a fish out of water and lasted one year. After several months I finally landed a job with the New York Telephone company. They trained me up as an Equipment Repairman. I've always struggled in a classroom situation but managed to see it through. It turned into a job I truly loved when assigned to a Manhattan district. I was forced to join the Air Force to avoid being conscripted into the Army, and more than likely being sent to fight in the Vietnam conflict. My job was guaranteed on my return, so switching wasn't an issue ---at that particular time.
"Is it possible that I'm always going to go through burnout cycles" : Only you can answer that question because only you can know your own capabilities. I Think that is the bottom line here: know thyself
I don't know if there can be any "takeaway" for you from this. There are a few pseudo-intellects who may be able to answer your questions in a presumed technical jargon type language better than what I can, if that can be more helpful for you.
Perhaps you could retract it and talk to them. Not as easy as it sounds, I know, but I'm sure they would listen to your reasoning. Write it down or list it.
I left in a similar fashion, spent the last year rethinking and now I'm happy to be going back in a different job. We will see how this goes.
Good luck :)
Blue222,
Oh wow, I know exactly what you are talking about. I've been through that cycle work all of my life until I had my daughter and decided I wasn't going to try to prove myself in that regard anymore because, like you, it makes me ill.
I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way and I hope that the future will be more comfortable for you whether that involves work or not. It's so awful feeling this way. I really do feel for you.
It's wonderful that you have survived so long and that you got your nursing qualifications. That's something! Sending hugs.
I feel like this is something I can relate to. I studied to become a nurse. Pain stakeingly, dragged myself to uni, dragged myself to placements. Struggled so much, being told I did not work well in a team, rubbish at delegating, did not build relationships... all sorts. But I passed. And I am a nurse. I work in a GP surgery, its quiet and rather samey. I am good at what I do. But do i enjoy it? Or am I here because I got the idea of being a nurse, into my head and ran with it. I am very stubborn and seen being a nurse as my only option. So here I am today.
Last year I had 4 months off sick with 'mental health'... burn out.. and ive never recovered, I have frequent days off for burn out. And I just cant be bothered with it anymore. That heaviness, the total feeling of being miserable, being consumed with having to work, and having to work with people who dont understand autism and think 'you go this far.. you cant be that autistic'. Its difficult.
I acted impulsively and handed in my notice! and now i want to retract it. because im scared, of the change in routine. I know this job like the back of my hand and i still struggle, which i know is autism. I hate that those without autism find it so easy to tell us that its not that bad.
My head feels full, like it could burst. I dont want to work anymore, ever. But that isnt feasible is it. :(
I know the feeling! Would never want anyone feeling out of sorts on my account, so I'm glad to have put your mind at rest.
Hi Shardovan, Thanks, I have been brought up a worrier and I struggle to know if or how I've cheesed someone off lol. This tends to lead to me not saying an awful lot. Thanks for letting me know it's ok.
Hi Jo, no you didn't upset or disrespect me at all, please don't be worrying. I suppose I just realised we are polar opposites in terms of the journey so far, and as I was ruminating anyway, used your post as a springboard. Sorry if it looked like I was being defensive with you, which wasn't the case at all honestly.
I got myself back into that much saner headspace in the last day or so. It annoys me that I get so easily triggered though, so maybe it's time to re-read 'How not to give a f**k' and once more fortify my sense of owning my authentic individuality.
I’ve been a business analyst for the last ten years, mostly in agile software development. It takes more out of me than I realised and my social life has suffered… then the 2020s came. Think I’ve been too oblivious to the effects. Or perhaps subconsciously denying them or tacitly assuming that this is just the way things have to be. I haven’t been willing to face up to it because it’d feel too much like a defeat. But I realise I should probably cut myself some slack and be a bit more sympathetic to my strengths and weaknesses. It’d be nice to have a more introverted, data-oriented job, I think. Trouble is, expensive mortgage and I can’t downsize yet due to the cladding scandal. But going into 2023, I think I need to stop running from myself, be honest and do myself a favour.
I'm sure some of those people would be envious of you in that you ARE living your life how you want and not striving for what is socially expected. It sounds like you are very content. They won't say this though!
My yoga teacher one said "I move through life at my own pace".
I drifted into scientific research, after a couple of uninspiring junior clerical jobs in the Civil Service, almost by accident. Once there I found it almost entirely congenial and spent the next 34 years doing it. It plays to autistic strengths and the unpleasant aspects, giving seminars at conferences and supervising small numbers of postgrad and project students, were bearable.
That sounds so relaxing!
I'm sorry, I had no wish to upset you or disrespect you or your status in life. I admire those that have stayed and been happy. I am working to make myself more stable jobwise by seeking the understanding, maturity and acceptance from other people in order for me to internally flourish with confidence. I could not stop caring totally, but I am trying to choose what to care about...
I kind of have the opposite thing going on, where because I found something early on that remains the best fit for me. However, once in a while (like yesterday) a conversation will come up among the team I’m in about who started for the university library when, what they were doing then relative to now, who went somewhere else entirely and so on. And it makes me realise that I’m one of a fairly small number who’s been in the same type of post/grade for almost 20 years, and hoping to stay that wAy long term. Even though I’m harming nobody (and even though the chat isn’t brought up to make me feel inadequate) I can’t help but feel this paranoid panic rising in me (masked of course, and with days of rumination rendered inevitable even though they all stop thinking about it seconds later ) about ‘is it ok? Do people understand? Do they feel sorry for me? Do they understand I don’t want promotion? Or radical change? Do they truly accept my ‘lifer’ status with respect, or is it disguised pity? I get very confused and emotionally disregulated over it. I know that the key thing is to live life in my own terms, and not get drawn into comparison when even in libraries (where the neurodiverse staff presence is a little higher) there’s still a largely societally prescribed drive in the majority towards eventual restlessness. And I don’t have that. I want continuity, predictablility not change. And I don’t want to be displaced or made to feel like I’m living life wrongly by knowing I have the perfect job for for my long term needs and stress management. Sorry to sound so stressed and upset, I’m just trying to exorcise what I know to be unhelpful thinking. Or maybe I am just pathetic. I don’t know any more. The trick is to stop caring. Somehow!
I selected my career path (content writing) because my autism means that it's the only job I'm capable of doing. I have a masters in physics but wasn't able to go into academia due to the intense social demands of that environment. I searched online until I found enough work I could do from home, without having to speak to anyone face to face or on the phone, to get by. And then carried on doing it for the next 12 years. It's not very interesting but I like the flexibility and the fact that I can work quietly by myself at home. My work is my downtime.
Hi Moosticks
Totally get this. I've spent my whole working life running from one job to another trying to make things work. Every 2 years or so roughly. Mostly factory engineering work until I went into the care sector. Here I found my eyes opened and realised there were people who actually might understand. By that time I was about 35ish and starting to research ASD to make sense of things. I'm 49 now and on the list to be assessed and still making sense of things. I now work for the NHS.
Just giving this a bump as there's something I'd like to add to the converstaion later, but I'm heading home now. In a stupidly dysregulated state, not unrelated to workplace matters,