Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello! New here, and newly diagnosed. I feel like I'm on a bit of a rollercoaster with the diagnosis. One minute fine; "well duh, it's obvious I'm autistic", the next just kinda sad or frustrated at things that have happened in the past that might have been different if I'd known.
One such thing is my career. I feel like I chose it in a very autistic way. It was strategic and made sense because I could see a neat row of dots which I could connect together to do "the right thing" for my family.. But I'd also dropped out of school at 12, so I had to complete five years of study to actually get to the job I had decided I was going to do. I hated every minute of my studies. Up to that point in my life I had always quit everything, and unfortunately for present-day-me this was the moment I decided I was going to change my ways. Eight years later, I am miserable.
In the last two years alone I've taken three extended periods of time off sick due to "mental health difficulties". I realise now it was likely burn out each time. I hit an all time low yesterday and nearly quit on the spot. I literally did no work all day, instead just talking myself down from acting impulsively. Today I have logged myself as absent and have already decided I won't work again this year. I have realised I need to change my job, and I need a bit of mental space to think about it. So I'm taking it.
I guess what I'm really curious to know is, is this... common? Or maybe just what are you experiences of the working world as autistic adults? How did you select your career path? Do you love your job? Did you get it "right" first time? If not, how did you go about switching? Is it possible that I'm always going to go through burnout cycles because finding jobs that carry any level of satisfaction is actually pretty unlikely? I do kind of feel like I'm just going to be miserable for the rest of my life no matter how hard or long I work to try and make things better.
I feel like this is something I can relate to. I studied to become a nurse. Pain stakeingly, dragged myself to uni, dragged myself to placements. Struggled so much, being told I did not work well in a team, rubbish at delegating, did not build relationships... all sorts. But I passed. And I am a nurse. I work in a GP surgery, its quiet and rather samey. I am good at what I do. But do i enjoy it? Or am I here because I got the idea of being a nurse, into my head and ran with it. I am very stubborn and seen being a nurse as my only option. So here I am today.
Last year I had 4 months off sick with 'mental health'... burn out.. and ive never recovered, I have frequent days off for burn out. And I just cant be bothered with it anymore. That heaviness, the total feeling of being miserable, being consumed with having to work, and having to work with people who dont understand autism and think 'you go this far.. you cant be that autistic'. Its difficult.
I acted impulsively and handed in my notice! and now i want to retract it. because im scared, of the change in routine. I know this job like the back of my hand and i still struggle, which i know is autism. I hate that those without autism find it so easy to tell us that its not that bad.
My head feels full, like it could burst. I dont want to work anymore, ever. But that isnt feasible is it. :(
Perhaps you could retract it and talk to them. Not as easy as it sounds, I know, but I'm sure they would listen to your reasoning. Write it down or list it.
I left in a similar fashion, spent the last year rethinking and now I'm happy to be going back in a different job. We will see how this goes.
Good luck :)
Blue222,
Oh wow, I know exactly what you are talking about. I've been through that cycle work all of my life until I had my daughter and decided I wasn't going to try to prove myself in that regard anymore because, like you, it makes me ill.
I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way and I hope that the future will be more comfortable for you whether that involves work or not. It's so awful feeling this way. I really do feel for you.
It's wonderful that you have survived so long and that you got your nursing qualifications. That's something! Sending hugs.