Loneliness

Yep - me too.  I try to engender a system with my work by which a text is sent agreeing a time to have a call.  That gives me time to prepare and be more zen.

Hi Rosie, I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I never got to university I had hoped to but other issues with my health got in the way. But I do suffer from loneliness and know in the long run it can depress. It sounds like it's common for those of us on the Spectrum - I think it's great you've joined here because it means you can connect, find understanding and make friends but it might help to talk to your GP as well and see if they can offer any support and advice on this. 

I’m not keen on phone calls either to be honest. I basically just like to be left in peace when I’m at home. 

Kate Kestrel said:

I can’t bear people visiting my house. 

Yep - that's a big stresser for me.  On the very rare occasions that people turn up uninvited, those people can be sure never to do it again - it turns me very odd indeed!

yeah the depression from being lonely is actually what forced me to get a job. that helped it, but you still get recurring depression afterwards anyway especially if your employer is a douchebag and all the workers laws are the only thing holding them back from making you a literal slave and they have no respect for you.

I can relate to that way of wording : ‘it’s so hard to dose it right’ - exactly. 
I find social interaction stressful but part of me does enjoy contact with other people and it can cheer me up and ‘take me out of myself’ - which is good for my mental health. But it’s a fine line. I feel very tired after any social interaction and need rest and quiet time to recover. I don’t really like friendships in some ways as I often don’t want to see people and I worry about offending people if I don’t want to see them. For example I can’t bear people visiting my house. 
My son - partly due to having selective mutism in educational settings - has never really had friends as such - and he is so sad about this. He has severe social anxiety and it’s so difficult for him (which is why he had dropped out of college for many months now. He wants friends, he wants a girlfriend - it’s not that he doesn’t want these things. But he just can’t talk to people - he freezes. He wants to - but he just can’t. It’s so sad and he is so depressed by it and fears he’ll never be able to form relationships with people outside the family. 
I feel there should be support for autistic people to overcome these difficulties - but it’s just not there in our experience. 
Sometimes  (when I’m not exhausted - which I usually am!) I feel like starting some sort of organisation to link autistic people with each other. It seems crazy that this can’t be done in a way that is comfortable for autistic people. There has to be a way. So many of us are lonely and isolated and wanting to connect with people. This community (on here) is wonderful and has so much to offer in myriad ways. I have found people on here to be so friendly and caring - it’s very inspiring. I hate to think of people feeling lonely. None of us are truly alone - as autistic people we are part of a community and have solidarity with each other and can support each other. 

Dear Rosie, I'm sorry you are struggling. I can relate to feeling lonely and I am currently also feeling quite lonely and isolated. I find that the more exhausted and overwhelmed I am, the less capable I feel of socialising and meeting friends. I usually let myself withdraw  however I have noticed that when I withdraw a lot, I can fall into a state of lethargy and deeper depression and I feel less able to interact with anyone at all. The few times that I then did see friends (not for too long- just for a coffee or walk) it was actually very invigorating and positive. It's so hard to dose it right- too much social interactions and especially the wrong type of social interactions (ie ones that require masking, that are overwhelming or stressful) is not good but complete withdrawal can also backfire. And I can understand that the longer you withdraw the harder it gets to get back into it and to get unstuck. I've realised now that I do benefit from seeing friends (especially if these are people I feel comfortable with) even if it is a hurdle and stressful to get myself to do it and go- I am lucky that I have a few contacts that I can rely on. 

Is there anyone you could message? Or phone? Or if it feels overwhelming, you could try ringing a helpline like Samaritans? I have rung Samaritans before when very distressed but also when feeling very lonely. There is something comforting in the anonymity of it, so it takes the pressure off the social interaction. I don't know if any of this is helpful to you. It's so hard. Sending you lots of strength!! 

I've also struggled with loneliness and university was a very lonely time. It seems from this site that a lot of people on the spectrum struggle with it.

I found some friends in university student societies. Not often close friends that I would see away from the society, but at least people I could talk to while I was there (I probably could have made more or closer friends if I'd had less social anxiety and more self-esteem). In subsequent years, volunteering has also been a way of meeting people. Again, not generally close friends, but it's some social to do. The advantage of volunteering, I find, is that I have a set task to concentrate on, so I don't have to make constant small talk. I just focus on my task and listen to the other people talking.

Other than that, I agree with Debbie that you might be falling into depression and maybe your GP could help you.

Dear Rosie.

You describe circumstances that are very familiar to me.  I was at a different stage of life when I experienced this type of profound lonliness, (much older) but my struggles were as you describe.

I found that the urgency and depth with which I wanted to connect with people was actually a chimera.  I was very, very lonely and thought that I merely needed to "man-up" and find the right people - but in my experience at least,  this was wrong.

I did find some people who I felt were perfect "friend material", but then found that once I had "secured" what I thought was a fledgling friendship, my 'normal self' would re-emerge and scare them away, or I would become immediately bored to death or frustrated in their company.  Don't get me wrong, I was so lonely that I would have tolerated any of that just to have a friend or two to hang with......but unfortunately, it was not to be....I'm too intense and unusual for most.

So, dear Rosie, it was during this bleak and exceedingly lonely period of my life that I found one of my more useful mantras = "company is company.". I stopped trying so hard to find and cultivate friendships BUT I forced myself to be out, proximate and around other humans.  Invariably, I found my life better this way.  I wasn't trying to find friends, I was forcing myself just to be in the world.  It made me feel so much better.

Sit in a cafe, on a park bench, in a library, in a bar.   Exchange normal pleasantries with people.  Greet animals that you encounter.  Take a stroll.  I wasn't trying to 'catch' friends, I was just trying to stay sane!  It worked.

Moreover, I started to have a routine amongst other humans.  No friends, but a routine amongst and within proximity of other humans.  The next thing I realised, was that I was "known" to people who realised that I was different and (from what they say - intriguing). From that, friendships have grown that are genuine and true.  It takes time, but it worked for me.

I'm still lonely.  You would never guess to look at me or if you saw me interacting with others.  I am, and always have been very content to be on my own - often, I positively crave it - but I'm still lonely.  It's weird.

So - "company is company".  Be around others.

Stay sane.

You are not alone....I'm out here somewhere, and loads of people on these pages are communicative, supportive and good.  Stick around.

Kindest regards.

Hi - I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, so many autistic people have this experience. My youngest has severe social anxiety and Selective Mutism and has actually dropped out of college mainly because of this - so I know how difficult it is and how awful it can feel. When I was a Uni I often felt lonely too and struggled to feel part of things. 
Is there a communal room in your housing? Is it possible if you spend more time in the communal areas that you might feel confident enough to talk to people just a little bit?

my eldest is also autistic and struggled to make friends - what helped him was joining an RPG society that had a lot of neurodiverse people - and he found it easier to make friends in that group (although it still took quite a while). Through that society he made really good friends who he’s still close to 4 years later, He still gets anxious about any social event but these friendships have really stayed solid and mean so much to him. 
My youngest has no friends at all (apart from family) and he really wants to have friends. I’m hoping that volunteering might be a good route for him - but at the moment he can’t face any pressure in that way, He’s got every quality anyone could want in a friend (he’s kind, funny, intelligent, is a wonderful person to be around and talk to) but he just can’t (at the moment) get over his social anxiety. He has therapy but it doesn’t seem to help with this. 
Ultimately I feel it’s just like other ‘phobias’ - I think that only very gradual, gentle exposure will help. 
I wish you luck - I’m sure it won’t be like this forever! 

Hi Rosie, sorry to hear this.

For what it's worth, I found University, by some stretch, the hardest part of my life, from a social point of view. I basically didn't speak to anyone for four years. It just felt like everyone was having fun, while I was stranded.

What I did, which worked for me, was that I sought out a voluntary group (a charity in my case) where I volunteered. I don't know why, but the people there were much more relatable, and I actually mixed in well with people (even met my future wife there) without making a conscious effort to do so.

So it's just a thought, but perhaps there are routes by which you could meet other people outside of university, maybe routes that don't feel like 'socialising' (which I also hate!), but which would lead to you having company.

Hope it works out.