Loneliness being autistic at uni

some have 'neuro diverse' societies. societies purely for autistic people are a bit rarer.

Hey 

I feel the same and I live at uni going into 4th year . 
We had to do a 6th month placement as part of the degree . I had 5 friends in uni one was my best friend something I have never really had before . 1 friend transfer near home she was my close friend after best friend . The other two my best friend didn’t really like for the first 3 years “not her kinda of people” . They all got placements close to each other me the other end of the country 3 hours away they did loads together never even asked if I wanted to do something for a weekend etc despite saying I would .  Since then my best friend isn’t replying to messages for day . I asked if she wanted to go to this welcome back event she said maybe will let you know . Now Two weeks later I dropped one other friend a message asking if she was doing any welcome back activities she said the three were doing out to the same event . I said oh I told BF I wanted to do that . They then said get a ticket and come . Went on line all tickets sold a week ago . 

Within minutes BF opens the 3 day old message saying she off to that event and I should come . I said I couldn’t get a ticket all sold out . I have tried to make other plans with BF for various dates in the next 3 weeks she always busy . Then finished with we will see each other soon . I feel so left out and feel exactly like you . Dreading having to try make friends again I find it horrid I was supposed at having 5 uni friends Thought I would never get one . Now I feel like I am starting again with people who already have friendships groups 

I struggle with the same thing. I try to appreciate being alone. because I know that no matter what happens, ill always have me. the person i’m most comfortable with, the person who’s the most reliable, the person who will always be there at the end of the day, is me. loneliness sucks. the inability to be comfortably outgoing and social sucks. but it only sucks because we’ve been conditioned to think it sucks. its okay to be alone. for about 15 years of my life I didn’t really have anyone, or at least anyone who was healthy for me. but then I made a big decision to change my environment and within just the first week I found my people. i still get exhausted if i’m with them for a long time, and that lingering discomfort is always there. i don’t see them a lot. but i know they’re still there if i want to see them, they respect my space and my need for alone time. and even if they weren’t there, id still have me. and that’s enough.

That’s wonderful to hear :) 

That sounds very nice- I am considering actually going to a group for autistic people organised by the National Autistic Society in my area, though I am not sure yet. I tend to avoid groups so I am not sure how I would cope meeting so many new people in a group setting. It all seems rather unpredictable to me but maybe it would be nice. 

My daughter went to an autistic social group at her university yesterday. Though she was rather anxious about going, she enjoyed meeting other autistic people - 11 of them - and they went for lunch together afterwards.

Every time I read posts like this I feel there should be some way of people in a similar situation to connect with each other. Do University’s have autism friendly social groups? Surely their MUST be a way to support autistic students and to put them in touch with each other? 
Anyway - just sending best wishes - both my sons struggled with this and I know it’s really tough. If it’s any consolation I don’t doubt that if people actually could get to know you you’d most likely have good friendships and relationships - just as my son’s would. 
Social anxiety is just such a barrier and their should be more support at schools, colleges and universitys. 

Unfortunately I don't drive. I commute via train. 

You say you commute. Do you drive? It could make all the difference. Assuming you don’t drink commuting by car means, if you’re willing to stay late, you can join in a lot more activities. You can come home at 2am in a Friday night in a car, if you don’t drink.

I’m sorry - my youngest son was in this situation at college. He actually dropped out of college because he found the social isolation and social anxiety to much and wanted to leave. My son has Selective Mutism which made it all the harder as well. 

My eldest - who is also autistic - really struggled for a long time too. Eventually though he made friends at an RPG Society - a lot of the people in the society were neurodivergent in various ways - and I think that’s why that was an environment where he could finally connect with people.

I do think that often autistic people have a better chance of forming good friendships and relationships with other autistic people. Not always the case, but sometimes. Have you tried any kind of online friendship groups? They can be a good start. 

I just wanted to say that you’re not alone - so many people feel this way. There are undoubtedly other people at your University that are struggling in just the same way. Have you seen Chris Packham talking about his struggles at Uni? There are some videos online. And also I read Bob Mortimer’s autobiography and he had a terrible time at Uni and found it incredibly hard to have anything to do with anyone. I struggled too - but in my second year I met a wonderful man (also autistic)  who I went on to marry - so things really can change just when you least expect it! Good luck - and don’t lose hope! 

Hi- I did made some friends at uni (for first time ever) but I definitely did not experience "that uni culture" and I don't think it would have suited me. Can you join a club or society for one of your special interests so that you can meet some people with similar interests? Is there anyone on your course that you could connect with or that you sit with for lectures? Even if you are commuting you will have opportunities to meet people, I lived in university accomodation but when I think about it I made most of my friends either through my course so during/in between the lectures, practicals etc. or through attending scientific talks. I do think I was lucky that I came accross the right people that I could connect to. I also can't say I have ever been part of a 'proper friend group'- my friendships are more 1 to 1 as I find groups much more difficult. I also often observed those friend groups and wondered what it would be like to have one of those but for me it's probably not suited/realistic. I wouldn't give up just because friend groups have already formed. The people you are likely to connect with might also not yet be part of friend groups. I made friends throughout my degree including in my final year. And it always happened through a shared interest or trait, or even something as simple as always being late for lectures and seeing each other 5 min late in front of the lecture hall door. Sometimes it is the small things that are enough to connect you with someone. But I can understand the struggle- I think I was extremely lucky that at my university I met some likeminded people and that my course did have rather a lot of contact hours where I was likely to meet people with similar interests. You probably just haven't met the right people yet that are suited to being your friends - don't give up. 

Ausomely Autistic said:

is there a society based around a specific interest that you might like to join

I enjoyed being in several societies at uni - definitely recommended. You might need to try a few though to find the right people, and a comfortable level of engagement.

Not sure how this translates to modern times, but being a young man freshly unleashed on the 80s, I leaned towards societies with a higher likelihood of female participants (hormones aside I also generally find women easier to be around). The baking club for me was ace (didn't get laid, but got fat and had fun).

I was always disappointed I didn't get involved with the amatuer uni theater though... I became friends with a lighting tech and a costume designer towards the end of my degree - it looked exciting and there was obvious camaraderie. The lighting guy actually got paid part-time work out of it while studying.

Once graduated I got a job in another city and was back to square one friend wise. I went on courses instead - sewing, car maintenace, bricklaying etc. These weren't as social as I was expecting, but I did make one good mate (and learned a load of stuff to boot).

Hello, I am sorry you feel so lonely at university.

I do not plan to go to university, however hopefully the advice I can offer you is useful.

SummerBerries said:

I just feel so isolated. I just want some friends but it seems impossible when people have already established friend groups in first year and I always struggle to actually connect and feel accepted by people

This must be really difficult for you. There are likely to be other students who feel isolated too. You just need to find your own tribe.

 You say you want some friends who accept you, is there a society specifically for autistic students at your university? Alternatively, is there a society based around a specific interest that you might like to join? It is usually easier for many autistic people to build friendships based on shared interests.

SummerBerries said:

I know it's partly my fault because I commute, but I just feel so distant constantly in my whole life and now it's hitting me that I'm not gonna make any friends at uni either.

You will find your people and I am sorry that you don’t feel that is possible right now.

I hope your second year of university goes well for you.

We are your autistic community, I hope this makes you feel less alone. We are here for you if you want to chat.

I found that I did not make any friends on my course, but I lived in a traditional hall of residence - now almost an extinct type of student accommodation - where I made good friendships with half a dozen people. At 61 years old, I am still in touch with two of them.

I'm afraid that to reach our goals and aspirations it is often necessary to push ourselves out of our comfort zones. For the first two or three weeks in hall I was very miserable, meal times, in a refectory with 160 other students, were a torture due to anxiety. However, it didn't last, and I fairly soon became comfortable and talkative. I even started to enjoy the new freedom of living independently from my family.

I found that doing a PhD was much more autism-friendly than an undergraduate degree, but this may vary depending on the subject, my PhD was in molecular and cell biology.

I’ve lived at and commuted to uni for two different degrees and I definitely prefer commuting. When I lived there I was always felt like a hanger on in halls, like they thought it would be rude to go out without inviting me. But once the time came to find housing I was the one that didn’t naturally group off and had real trouble finding an empty room for the second year. It was all a nightmare. Commuting I can go to and from my own home and focus on my studies, I’m also much more likely not to skip lecturers if I travel a distance rather than having to roll out of bed around the corner from the lecture for some reason! If the commute isn’t too far maybe you could join a society in something that interests you to find like minded people? Do you know of anyone else on your current course who is also interested in moving on to the same doctorate?

Good to hear about the plans.

It might help reaching out to people in your field so you can connect to them prior to yor later studies. (This is something I had difficulty with, so I am not the one to give advice here)

There are some helpful comments in previous discussions by academics - I've gained a lot from the messages of Martin and Peter.

Ahhh thank you. Yeah one reason I'm commuting is I was worried that even if I lived at uni, I wouldn't make any friends. 

And luckily I already have my next steps planned out. I plan on getting a doctorate in my degree... So more uni for me... but it's what I want. 

Thanks for your advice :) 

I hear you SummerBerries.

Commutting to uni can feel like you are missing out (experiences, friends, conversations, etc.), but it has a lot of positives that it might help emphasizing (a familiar place, a sense of rootedness, financial, etc.).

Having both lived in and commuted for studies, I would like to say - but not sure if this is understandable - that being *at* uni I felt such intense isolation and friendlessness. Having a commute for a second degree made it possible for me to give these feelings a justification - and, attending the same seminars as others, by routine, I found friends among those familiar faces also commuting who became lifelong friends.

Please note that resources at the uni - such as guidance, mentoring, counselling - should be available to you. These might help.

It might also help to think what your next step will be - what you plan to do after uni - that will help you focus (and maybe avoid of the isolation and ruminations).

Thank you. Yeah I don't even drink because it makes me anxious. I know logically I'm doing all this so I can cope and get my education, but sometimes it hurts to think that if I was "normal" I wouldn't have these problems

SummerBerries said:

I feel like I'm missing out on that "uni culture".

You're not, 

you're missing out the drinking, parties and probability of getting pregnant 

if you weren't missing out you would probably lose track of uni and drop out 

speaking from experience