not working stigma and the way people treat you :-(

Many thanks for your answer. 

Hiya Im not in the boat as you but I was about 3years ago just before the pandemic hit and I definitely struggled mentally with it I wasn’t working or anything but Noe I’m volunteering one day a week at a local coffee shop and am volunteering at a local youth club too for people with learning disabilities. It’s so difficult with the stigma around autism too like people don’t understand that people maybe can’t get jobs have you ever heard of universal credit I got put on there around two years ago and the can help you with finding some work experience honestly it genuinely helped me but it has also shown me that I need to stop being so hard on myself too so figure out what interests you and what won’t feel stressful for you but don’t push yourself to soon it’s so difficult I know. 
hopefully this helps 

‘If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans’ - maybe thats the way to answer! Im at the age now where I dont take it for granted that I wont wake up dead. Get the f*ck out of here with your 5 years, people. 

I know for me, a key realisation as been that I need to work in a reactive, not proactive, capacity. Im simply not wired for what seems to be innate in many, yet Im fairly sure Im not thick - just differently intelligent. 

I wonder if the ‘five years time’ question might actually be the perfect place to mention being autistic, as a positive. Emphasise  that you honestly would hope to be their continuity-not-change person who can offset a lot of churn and flux with others. Become a repository of knowledge and teachable skills to anyone new, whether they then stay five minutes or twenty years. Meanwhile, you’re all about  topping up your reservoir with a manageable amount of change in how the role inevitably evolves a little over time  (shows your not inflexible, just not blank-sheet innovator or delegator). Knowing where youre going to be a round peg in a round hole and demonstrating that self-awareness should bd seen as s feature not a bug by any remotely  progressive and intelligent employer. Of course, that’s quite  the ‘should’….

I love stories like that. There are a few in my workplace too. People who stepped out  of higher pressure careers into library work at non-‘professional’ level (teaching, social work, the law) in order to find more peace, avoid a coming breakdown, maybe even repair existing total burnout. One or two of them have  clear neurodivergences, another couple appear to be NT (though who knows?) and I’m glad that they stepped out of that societal pressure as an act of will and personal sanity. Makes me realise I had good instincts in finding myself in that career early. One of a very few niches I could function in without burnout. For you, it may be even fewer niches (or none) - nothing to be embarrassed about, and anyone worth your  friendship will understand, in time, your lived experience with what you need, can cope with. 

metalmickey said:

"Where do you see yourself in X (5 usually the favourite) years time?"

awful question

from my point of view it can be living on a street

I found that when I went to the same cafe all the time, they started saying "that you away to work?" I ended up changing cafes, and bringing a laptop to pretend i was doing something. Same with any groups of friends well not really friends but you know meetups were you might have a hobby like art or something and you meetup and do art in a community hall or cafe. Then they will ask me "what do you do". I don't want to say well I cant work due to the type of autism I have. I wonder if anyone on here gets the same thing? and what do you say to them?

Hi Summer, you may find this thread from a couple of months ago similar.  I too have noticed how often "What do you do for work" is asked in casual conversation, maybe it is perceived to be a "good introduction/icebreaker" question at a social gathering, as per Piggy's post

piggy1401 said:

i have a script for when i meet new people and that is one of my questions

but those asking overlook that the person on the receiving end:

• if unemployed will fear being judged when admitting as much because there is still so much 'lazy scrounger' rhetoric
• may have a job they do not enjoy much and not want to talk about
• whether in or out of work, they have likely come to the gathering to be away from work or the worry about finding it

While I'd been out of work I usually replied with what I had normally done before but that I'd been made redundant recently and having Asperger struggled with interviews.  I'm in work at the moment, something I started as a temp and was made permanent in February without an interview, only in the last month to learn they intend to close the local location next March and move things to London, so I'll again be redundant!

Shardovan said:

the next variant of the same societal judgement would be about your job status, the presumption that you’d want to climb the ladder etc

Another brilliant point Shardovan.  A few days ago I was in a conversation on LinkedIn about "promotion" and added that it wasn't something I'd have wanted.  My thoughts are to come into work to do an honest job making use of the skills I have and not to be pushed towards increased responsibilities that would burn me out, however this goes against me in interviews where more confident, forward, assertive, ambitious people are favoured, especially by asking the old favourite question of "Where do you see yourself in X (5 usually the favourite) years time?"

That's one of the nicest things anyones ever said to me. Thanks! 

I wish you where my next door neighbour, we would be friends. And chat over tea. Thanks. :-)

saying to someone I am on benefits makes them really horrible they try to get me to work, and keep telling me jobs "you could do" and they start going on and on till I meltdown. 

I think I will just say I am a writer as I write on my laptop, like I am doing here. 

Anyway I love your story about the lady. 

It reminds me of this man who quit his 80k a year job to work as a part time grocery worker, and with it he found peace and balance: 

(1) quit 80k job - YouTube

P.S. there are a ton of people in work who don’t  have a fraction of your maturity or compassion or rich inner life or positive activism that you show on here. So dont let them make you feel any less ‘grown up’ for your circumstances, which are no easier than anyone elses. Some of that is internal pressure too. A while back that kind of thing made me very unwell and its not worth the unravelling. Just keep doing you, summer - the world needs more like you, not fewer. 

I hate that people have to ask questions in such a presumptious way. What’s wrong with ‘do you work?’ Rather than ‘what do you do?’ as though anything other than employment is somehow anomalous which for any if number of people it is not. And they aren’t even being consciously upsetting: its just societal conditioning.

Thing is, its all relative. Even if you could work, the next variant of the same societal judgement would be about your job status, the presumption that you’d want to climb the ladder etc. just common (though thankfully not universal)  NT assumptions, as its what theyre evolutionarily designed for in the marority. 

I recently read a short novel called Convenience Store Woman about a seemingly autistic japanese lady in her thirties who found the perfect niche to work in, but who was pitied and judged by her small circle of friends for being single and not a career hopper seeking ‘ascension’. For a while she tries to appease these ‘shoulds’ until it makes her ill and unhappy and she finds her way back to what she needs. Unapologetically. Its quite a cathartic read for any if who felt status anxiety - especially pre-diagnosis when we feel alien for no clear reason. 

I fully appreciate what you say about walking that line between privacy and honesty. Only you know who you feel safe disclosing your autism too. But maybe just saying to the next cafe worker who gets to know you ‘no I don’t work, its complicated’ or similar and maybe later ‘Im autistic and on benefits’ would be a low risk way to test how consistently  that person as an NT (maybe !) representative treats you before vs after. You may be surprised in s nice way. And they might say ‘oh I have s friend who’s…’ 

Maybe go see your doctor and go to a autistic specialist too  I would ask that you put up a post of your own as people on here might be able to give you advice. so maybe it is better you start a discussion of your own as it will be more helpful to you. and you can get more help and advice. 

by pain you mean physical pain and not the anguish of the howling void that is existence? 

im very stressed! :) 

I so envy you

I tried to cope with demands of adulthood, only to end up half way to the pension, after 20 years of slavery doing heavy lifting in various jobs and alone, at least I live alone now as well

Its hard to lie as an autistic, but will try to mask more, as masking is a survival technique in this world. But a few hours a week is okay to do. Thanks robert

If you were not able to work you would be not working by now. If it was too hard you would be so unwell you could not work or bring yourself to go. So maybe you are able to work but are just stressed? maybe get help with the stress from an autistic specialist. 

I also have a painful condition so I have pain days. Some autistics can work though and that is great, but we need understanding that some of us just cant. But that is good that you can. 

I would have meltdowns all the time, and run out of the work place, I ran out of busy buses as I could not stand it. I get stressed too much and meltdown. My doctor deemed me ill, and then I could not work again because I cant stand the NT world.