Published on 12, July, 2020
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I can't work due to my autism, I find work to stressful etc.
But I hate the stigma attached to not working, and people like neighbours and family etc etc get curious and will be like "and what do you do?" "what do you work as ?" etc
I keep my autism secret from the family apart from my mum.
I used to be truthful to people and say I did not work, but they get pretty cruel.
I like to go in and out of my home (that is before the pandemic as I am vulnerable to covid) and go sit in a cafe for a coffee, it is my happy time, but even then I found that when I went to the same cafe all the time, they started saying "that you away to work?" I ended up changing cafes, and bringing a laptop to pretend i was doing something.
same with any groups of friends well not really friends but you know meetups were you might have a hobby like art or something and you meetup and do art in a community hall or cafe. Then they will ask me "what do you do".
I don't want to say well I cant work due to the type of autism I have.
I dont want to say I dont work
I wonder if anyone on here gets the same thing? and what do you say to them?
I do study sometimes via online courses (I work those around my pain days) but I cant say I am a student forever or they will be like tweaking that something is not right.
I dont go out just now, before covid I usually go out on my own to a cafe, but sometimes i be brave and do a little outside hobby or crafting thing , and right now I am between friends, but not sure what to do when i make friends.
all people my age are thinking of settling down and being all grown up. And I am still living my life like I am 19. it is hard to find anyone my age that has not really grown up in the way we are expected to
Hope this post makes sense?
I hate that people have to ask questions in such a presumptious way. What’s wrong with ‘do you work?’ Rather than ‘what do you do?’ as though anything other than employment is somehow anomalous which for any if number of people it is not. And they aren’t even being consciously upsetting: its just societal conditioning.
Thing is, its all relative. Even if you could work, the next variant of the same societal judgement would be about your job status, the presumption that you’d want to climb the ladder etc. just common (though thankfully not universal) NT assumptions, as its what theyre evolutionarily designed for in the marority.
I recently read a short novel called Convenience Store Woman about a seemingly autistic japanese lady in her thirties who found the perfect niche to work in, but who was pitied and judged by her small circle of friends for being single and not a career hopper seeking ‘ascension’. For a while she tries to appease these ‘shoulds’ until it makes her ill and unhappy and she finds her way back to what she needs. Unapologetically. Its quite a cathartic read for any if who felt status anxiety - especially pre-diagnosis when we feel alien for no clear reason.
I fully appreciate what you say about walking that line between privacy and honesty. Only you know who you feel safe disclosing your autism too. But maybe just saying to the next cafe worker who gets to know you ‘no I don’t work, its complicated’ or similar and maybe later ‘Im autistic and on benefits’ would be a low risk way to test how consistently that person as an NT (maybe !) representative treats you before vs after. You may be surprised in s nice way. And they might say ‘oh I have s friend who’s…’
saying to someone I am on benefits makes them really horrible they try to get me to work, and keep telling me jobs "you could do" and they start going on and on till I meltdown.
I think I will just say I am a writer as I write on my laptop, like I am doing here.
Anyway I love your story about the lady.
It reminds me of this man who quit his 80k a year job to work as a part time grocery worker, and with it he found peace and balance:
(1) quit 80k job - YouTube
I love stories like that. There are a few in my workplace too. People who stepped out of higher pressure careers into library work at non-‘professional’ level (teaching, social work, the law) in order to find more peace, avoid a coming breakdown, maybe even repair existing total burnout. One or two of them have clear neurodivergences, another couple appear to be NT (though who knows?) and I’m glad that they stepped out of that societal pressure as an act of will and personal sanity. Makes me realise I had good instincts in finding myself in that career early. One of a very few niches I could function in without burnout. For you, it may be even fewer niches (or none) - nothing to be embarrassed about, and anyone worth your friendship will understand, in time, your lived experience with what you need, can cope with.