Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
I am writing this as a partner of someone with autism. Looking for some advice and support.
My partner since I have been with him (5 years) has always struggled with 'normal' jobs. Having no qualifications from school, he was stuck cleaning for a long time which at one point due to the physical strain it put on him and how miserable he was, I encouraged and supported him to quit. He found a better cleaning job, but it too quickly become horrendous, and this continued through a number of other jobs. He tried branching into other areas such as administration work but couldn't cope with the job or people.
We finally got to a point that due to his mental health that he wouldn't work a 'traditional' job, and due to his love and interest in games I was very happy for him to try make streaming a career. It is obviously very hard and competitive, and I still want to keep supporting him. It has been 2 years almost, and while he is not making a lot of money (maybe a few £100 a month in a good month), I know in some ways it makes him happy and gives him flexibility with when and how he works.
He obviously still finds parts of this job stressful. Firstly, not earning a lot of money really puts him down, especially as his family generally all do very well and often question him about his work. He was working part time for a while in a pub alongside doing the streaming, but again, this was too much mentally for him and he often came home and had a breakdown. I couldn't bare seeing what it was doing to him. He is unfortunately currently hiding from his family that he has quit the job, because dealing with the questioning and obvious unapproving voice is horrible.
We had an incident today where his family ended up asking about his work, how it was going, etc. He said he didn't have any shifts this week as he was zero hour contract, and they instantly start questioning about looking for other work, that part time 2 hours a week isn't enough. That 'back when I worked I did what I had to do to pay the bills' etc etc. (by the way, we pay all our bills fine with my money currently). I find it incredibly frustrating and upsetting because their nonchalant remarks puts him in an absolute spin. He suddenly ends up feeling really bad about everything he is working so hard to do (they don't get to see how hard he works, or really even understand what he is trying to do). He ended up spending the evening afterwards belittling himself, having no confidence, feeling like a failure, questioning what he is doing, and the worst part.. basically hating himself for being autistic (and having other Specific Learning Difficulties) that makes all these things harder for him than neurotypical people.
I struggle because part of me doesn't know at that point what I can do to help him. I try to reassure him, remind him how hard he is working, tell him that it isn't his place to really try meet his parents expectations (that they probably got from their own parents about having to always work hard and graft till you can't breathe because apparently there isn't more to life).
If anyone has read all this, I would really appreciate some advice on how to be able to support him through these downs and help him see what he does.
If anyone has anything or anywhere I could point my partner too for support that would be great. He doesn't know (and neither do I) if or where he can really get support for this sort of thing. I always feel lost when it comes to.. support or help and we both have just continued to struggle alone these past few years that it has been very bad and difficult. Sadly his family don't often understand and just 'meddle', probably wanting to be helpful but instead just end up making him feel down.
In general, we are both very happy together and with our life right now. It is only when other people start to question to him what he is doing, and what his life is like, he suddenly sees everything as bad.
Does your partner have issues in other areas. O am in a place of being of low self worth lile im nothing. You soind super supportive
The same goes for ''How are you?''
metalmickey said:but those asking overlook that the person on the receiving end:
Agreed. Interestingly I've also found anti-capitalist ideas helpful. I just feel there's so much pressure to conform to this one part of life (making money) as if it's the only thing. When it's literally my least favourite part of life, so why would I want to spend more time on it than I have to? (Not to say I don't value doing something constructive with my time, just the jobs I get value from don't really pay much, and I don't want to work all the hours to make more money.)
I recently told someone close to me that I'd given up on the career idea when they asked about it, and they were super put out and now want to have a longer conversation about it. But I make enough money to live and going up the "career ladder" is super stressful to me.
Anyway, I'm just ranting a little, but it was super encouraging to read other comments that parallel how I feel a bit. I never thought of this as an autism thing and definitely felt like I was the only one.
Panther27 said:He is unfortunately currently hiding from his family that he has quit the job, because dealing with the questioning and obvious unapproving voice is horrible. We had an incident today where his family ended up asking about his work, how it was going, etc. He said he didn't have any shifts this week as he was zero hour contract, and they instantly start questioning about looking for other work, that part time 2 hours a week isn't enough. That 'back when I worked I did what I had to do to pay the bills' etc etc. (by the way, we pay all our bills fine with my money currently). I find it incredibly frustrating and upsetting because their nonchalant remarks puts him in an absolute spin. He suddenly ends up feeling really bad about everything he is working so hard to do (they don't get to see how hard he works, or really even understand what he is trying to do).
He is unfortunately currently hiding from his family that he has quit the job, because dealing with the questioning and obvious unapproving voice is horrible. We had an incident today where his family ended up asking about his work, how it was going, etc. He said he didn't have any shifts this week as he was zero hour contract, and they instantly start questioning about looking for other work, that part time 2 hours a week isn't enough. That 'back when I worked I did what I had to do to pay the bills' etc etc. (by the way, we pay all our bills fine with my money currently). I find it incredibly frustrating and upsetting because their nonchalant remarks puts him in an absolute spin. He suddenly ends up feeling really bad about everything he is working so hard to do (they don't get to see how hard he works, or really even understand what he is trying to do).
awkwardsomeone said:I am at the point I'm considering lying about my employment in casual conversation because people are so obsessed and ask about it so often it really knocks down my self esteem
I too have noticed how often "What do you do for work" is asked in casual conversation, agreeing that yes it is asked so often almost to the point of being "obsessed" with it. It may be perceived to be a "good introduction/icebreaker" question at a social gathering, but those asking overlook that the person on the receiving end:
His parents don't seem to understand him well, which is sad but a reality for many autistic people.
How old is he? Best thing is to accept that is how they are, and focus on being together and making it work - cutting the strings. He is affected by them and attacking himself, probably a theme in his life, and needs help to stop that - he needs to think things like 'I'm not going to be affected by them anymore', affirmations that are positive and help him cope better with them, and help you two stay together. You are happy with him, he can be happy with him.
You seem very articulate - have you considered your partner writing a heartfelt letter to his family, via you ghost writing, so they can see what he is going through?
Just put everything you have shared with us into it. I feel like if they tell him that the autism is not his fault and that it's amazing the effort he has put into trying jobs etc then that may at least stop the decline in self-esteem. If they can empathize with you both and continue to focus on the positive aspects of him then that would seem the best thing at this stage.
If not maybe some family counselling is in order.
He values his family's opinions of him, and he places their views on a pedistal, but he cannot live up to their standards, and whenever he compares himself to those standards, it's like having a high bar that he can't reach, and then he feels very low about himself.
Family might pressure him to find a traditional job, but are they going do the nitty-gritty work to support him? What I mean is, are they going to walk door to door with him to hand out resumes? Are they going to support him through those uneasy and stressful times when he feels down about himself? Are they going to drive him around from place to place, to look for job openings, and to attend job interviews, and so on, until he lands a job that is right for him? I doubt it. I truly doubt it.
I mean they might criticise him, but unless they are willing to help him by being there at every step of the way, then they have no grounds to complain about him. He's making money from streaming, and people are watching him because they see the value in him.
What he may need to change is where he places his value. I mean he wants his family to bless and bestow upon him a sense of self-worth, because what they say matters to him. But to be honest, they won't give him his self worth, because unless he's just like them, they're not going to be happy. So instead of looking at others to validate his sense of self worth, he has to begin to begin to give himself that self worth. Maybe by meditating on the things that were not right about family, and then telling himself the words he would have always liked to hear from them, maybe words of encouragement, pride, support, anything, would help him.
You're an amazing partner for an autistic. I can only dream about someone like that.
My ex left me after 10 years together despite the fact that I was working 40h+ all the time, doing all house chores, and helping her with her finances sometimes, only once for 8 months, when I lost one of jobs, I was working 24h weekly, fell in debt because she didn't help me with a penny. During last quarrel she said ''I did not sign up for a f.... asperger''. I'm so happy it's over..
as advice:
I found at a local council website https://www.brighton-hove.gov.uk/content/social-care/health-and-wellbeing/supported-employment, I was assigned a lovely lady after 3 months, and we're trying to figure out how to get a more suitable for me and better job,
I can massivley relate to this. Although I have always held down a job, until now, I would give anything never to have to face real work again. I would love to write some more local history books but it would never make any money. He may just be burnt out too and need a break, I certianlly feel like that at the moment but then I also get eatern away by not having a job and its only been this week. I think if you are coping with the money etc , and are happy you should really not worry about others. I know that is easier to say but you may find people less judgemental than you think, I have.
I'm glad he has a lovely partner like you who understands and gives him the support to pursue something he can cope with rather than push him to make more money against his well-being. I am at the point I'm considering lying about my employment in casual conversation because people are so obsessed and ask about it so often it really knocks down my self esteem and I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I don't function well enough for full time work. It's kind of sad how much everyone's sense of identity revolves around working. Yes its necessary to make money in this society but can we talk about other things and judge people on their qualities not their job history? I found reading about anti-capitalist politics and disability studies make me more able to separate my sense of intrinsic value as a person from productivity in a work place.
I can offer nothing by way of advice, but my heart goes out to you and your partner. I am autistic, so can relate to the pressure he feels (and also you) when he is quizzed about work, and the feeling that perhaps he isn't meeting his family's expectations. As the saying goes, I've been there, done that, and bought the T-shirt more times than I care to remember.
Thank you for sharing. It is nice to hear that other people have been able to make it through other routes
As long as he's doing something constructive, it's good.
My brother was a big-time gamer, as a kid, and learning 'hacks' of popular video games help set him up for a path into coding. I took the conventional route, through school, for the same career path. Then Lost the enthusiasm at Final Year of Uni.