Hi!
I really struggle with my emotions, in particular anger. I can’t seem to control my anger at all. It will be over small things and usually out of frustration. I was wondering if anyone had found a way of coping with anger as an adult and if there are any groups/therapies that are helpful in this area as it’s beginning to effect my relationships with my family/friends/partner.
thanks!
Hello
I'm 69 and I have been recently diagnosed with Aspergers. I have a reputation for anger issues through my life. My anger was never directed at anyone, it was more a whirlwind within that was viewed as anger. From the day I was diagnosed I've had no anger issues, it feels like knowing that it's part of the autistic spectrum has given me peace
Noel
Now that I’ve been diagnosed I do try and explain my emotions more than I would before as it’s easier to understand where they are coming from now. It does feel like I’m constantly fight or flight mode as well with people regularly telling me I jump straight to being defensive rather than just realising they are trying to have a conversation with me and not have a go at me. Yes hopefully some anger management tips will help all of us. Although I’ve tried a few and found the majority to only help for a little bit before I get too angry but maybe they will help the more I practice them
I suffer with this a lot. I just discovered that I'm autistic along with ADHD I was already diagnosed with and spoke about it with my wife and finally understand why I feel angry or irritable so often, and feel constantly on edge. It's actually helping me not to hate myself because of it now I understand that all the stresses and sensory overload is what is causing it. What I have found helpful in this short period of time is explaining to my wife that I was being grumpy or rude to her because these different things that cause me stress/overload happened all in a short period of time and then I apologize for my behaviour towards her. It's not always an instant magic solution, it's understandable that it can take time for them to get over your behaviour too. What I hope to learn to do is when I'm feeling really irritable or overwhelmed tell her before I speak out in frustration. I've never been violent towards someone but I almost constantly feel in a fight or flight mode. Maybe learning anger management tips will be helpful for us too.
I think this is a common autistic thing. I worry about it alot myself, I think we are in a similar boat. I am generally a kind, caring person but sometimes I can just feel so angry and full of hate and it can last for days or weeks. I think as autistic people it is very difficult to regulate our emotions and we feel more extreme emotions, both good and bad.
One thing I have learnt though is that what we think of as anger is often just an autistic meltdown at a stressful situation or something that triggers us. Once we realise its not actually anger but a meltdown its easier to control it and work out stratagies to cope with it
Thank you so much for all of that. I really relate to what you have written and I’m really grateful for the advice. I will certainly have a look at the workbook and essays you have mentioned.
BTW - I will always suggest The Artists Way. It is genuinely a great workbook to help one begin to sort through the overwhelming chaos. I would also suggest all of Orwell's essays, Chesterton's essays - go back in history and begin to understand the trajectories from 100 years ago. These 2 were both columnists, appreciated precision with language and can help turn the slightest nuance of a gap between 2 seemingly similar concepts into a chasm.
Also, call out those who supposed to be supportive but are dismissive. "If you're going to continually dismiss me, it is hurtful, not helpful and you will force me to sever this relationship for my own safety".
First - I really would love to stress it's important to start listing everything you are angry about. Your emotions are worth listening to. Recognising and affirming the self is the first step in making amends or adjusting your lifestyle, creating better boundaries. Asking what are my strengths and weaknesses.
This process is a continual process for me. I would fill notebooks with rage when I was younger and it would take some time before I could identify that raging onto paper as the only outlet for the abuses, manipulations, frustrations with language and with those obsessed with power, the limitations and weights I felt which I could not identify or name due to a lack of command with linguistics. And a lack of understanding how the world works coupled with a lack of understanding even basic principles or rules of how to create a better life. If I could find the rules in the chaos, perhaps I could fight back and create genuine change.
As I got older there were further issues in need of addressing: interruptions, interrogations, sensory assaults and all of these being dismissed, disregarded. When I wasn't allowed focus I would be accident prone, things would break, they'd get misplaced, cooking ruined or stovetops left on. As a matter of health and safety, focus was the first thing to get under control.
There were things 'everyone should be able to do' which I for some reason couldn't. Aside from the demands of society, gaslighting and general cruelty and the inability to make enough money to survive, I had to seek help.
I found mentors and wisdom in many unconventional places. But this stuff can build up. We can only handle so much until we 'boil'. Unresolved issues are a major complication for Autistics. There are individuals I can let go of and write off an apology from (forgiveness) because I have no desire to reconcile with. And there are a few others, like a parent, who leave this residual of unresolved problems. That lack of resolve can be enough 'heat' (if we use a pot boiling on a hob as an analogy) to push me to a limit daily.
Not just unresolved. but Indefinite Postponement is another small act of cruelty which is normal in NT society because no one wants to be the first to complain and appear 'powerless'.
It's perfectly fine to be angry. In situations of injustice, we should be angry. Anger is the catalyst to bring about order from chaos. It is a reckoning emotion. All emotions can have purpose. They can also be based off of incorrect logic, for instance, the wrong assumption about a belief (Blue is a bad colour, that chair is blue, all the chairs in this cafe are blue therefore I have been forced to sit on the floor). Beliefs and perspectives can be reconciled. But relationships are not so simple. My environment can be adjusted, but when I go out, it's a world of frustration. There are real things we can fix and others we cannot. I can always trust someone who is well aware of their weaknesses :)
Hi Lucy,
My son is just the same. Yesterday he got upset and couldn’t cope. I spoke to him when he calmed down and he agreed that we go to the doctors and get some help. He has an issue with people knowing he has autism and being cruel to him about it. He can’t cope with his emotions around that. I’m looking for support groups too. I will keep you updated. Stay strong Lucy, asking for help is the first step.
Yeah I was really bad as a kid, now it’s more that I’ll shout and then because I don’t know what to do with such strong emotions I usually end up having a panic attack of some sort. I would ask my parents for help but they always thought I was just being difficult. Since my diagnosis they now know differently. However, even now they still will dismiss what I’m feeling and just go “oh it’s ur autism” and then whatever point I’m trying to get across is just dismissed. It’s really hard when they don’t listen. I think if more people listened to their kids it would prevent so much hurt.
I’m exactly the same. I mask really well so people don’t see it, only close family really see it. I’ve gone through my whole life being told I’m horrible and that my anger will mean no one will love me and I won’t be able to cope with a job etc (even though I’ve managed both). I have found that exercise helps me a lot. I do cold water therapy by swimming in the sea all year round and that seems to be really beneficial. I think it’s just something that takes time to get better. I hope you find the help you need and thank you so much for replying it makes me feel so much less alone.
I feel angry alot lately too. I feel like such an evil person for it. I lash out then I spend the time after full of shame, guilt and self hatred. I can't go for therapy because I mask. I am now looking into PDA. If I haven't got that then I'm just a horrible human. I hope you can find the help you need and if you find it, please share because I need some hope here.
Sounds like you have a low frustration threshold, if small things are enough to trigger anger.
Its hard, and people will just say stop being angry but that would be like telling a problem gambler to suddenly stop, small chance it might work buts its very unlikely.
There are trigger(s) and then your reaction. We can't really stop triggers, only chance our reaction. Your thoughts and beliefs decide your reaction, so you have to a learn a reaction that isn't angry, like 'annoyed'. It takes time and effort to learn a better way.
You could see if your GP can refer you for an anger management course, or try online courses/guides or self-help book.
Get them involved if you can, explain you need help with it.
