Social Skills

Yes, I have an aunty who will often say, "Hi guys", irrespective of whether she is addressing males or females. Agree with you that it's a bit too informal for a restaurant, but I think the idea is that it's meant to create a more relaxed atmosphere.

I suppose 'guys' is one of those gender-neutral ones these days, as we've assimilated a lot of American conventions into our speech. Often, entirely female groups would be addressed that way even - as with that Delphi murder case where the assailant is recorded saying 'Guys, down the hill' to two young girls. But it's definitely very normalised in the UK too now. Though I don't blame you for finding that just a touch too informal for a hospitality setting! 

On a few occasions now I’ve gone into restaurants or bars with my wife and been met with, “ hi you guys, what can I get you?” The first couple of times we both turned around as we thought someone else was standing behind us. My usual comment is, “let’s start with sir and madam, we will work it out from there”. I don’t see my wife as a guy.

Yes, I think I know the one and have heard it used too. It seems like there are lots of versions of this style of word. Ones that are used as a friendly greeting and in friendly contexts between people who know one another but also complete strangers. Duck is very common place where I grew up, but when used out of that geographical area can catch people off guard. I imagine the word you are referencing is the same. But again, like other terms discussed in this thread, the word duck is another instance of me not really naturally being able to use it and therefore not bothering to. Whereas my family and friends use it freely- an interesting point to reflect on. I’m not great at giving objects other names either, where sometimes people give alternative names to objects or things (especially for children learning to talk) that potentially appear friendlier or easier to say, I can only call it by it’s proper name and this has always been the case for me.

I grew up in a part of the UK where the word used is something I dare not type here. To give you a clue, it was an abbreviation of a particular bird that one often sees on weather vanes, which is known for being rather noisy and waking people at dawn. As a child, I had absolutely no idea that this abbreviated word also had a completely different 'adult' meaning, and therefore was confused as to why my parents were keen for me not to repeat that abbreviated word.

SparklingAutistic, i laughed when i read your post about your Dad getting propositioned. When i was on the Cabs it happend to me quite a few times, it wasn't uncommen. I worked nights, and it always started exacrly the same way. The first couple of times i never realised what was happening, but then i learnt how to answer them.

As i said, i'd be working nights and pick up a guy, usually on his own. He'd start talking about anything , the weather; the football, politics etc etc. Then he'd ask "Do you work permanant nights, what does your wife think about that ?...... In around about way, he wanted to know if i was married. The first couple of times i said, it was ok i wasn't married. i'm single. Then he'd start asking where i went drinking and did i fancy going for a pint on my day off ? After it happend a few times i started to answer ...... Oh my misses hates it, we have rows about all the time, she complains 'cos i never see her or the kids....... Then he started talking about football or the weather again.

I can understand that a heterosexual man would probably feel uncomfortable if he was incorrectly perceived as gay, but he might well feel amused. My own father was once propositioned by a man and asked to dance, whilst my mother had been standing right next to him. My dad just laughed and told the man, "Sorry, but I think you're asking the wrong person!" My mother had also found the whole thing very amusing too.

I have noticed that some people will incorrectly use such terms because they find social situations difficult to understand and think by copying others they too can be a success.  However, copying female behaviour when you are a man will lead others to think that man is gay or weird.  This leads to people becoming socially isolated.

Does that mean you've heard ASD people say such things too? In the area where I live, the locals (male and females) will often call females, "Bab" or "Babby". It drives me potty! For example, "Yes Bab, how can I help you?" If addressing men, "Bab" will often be replaced with "mate", which I personally find more tolerable.

Where I grew up, duck is used a lot. So I can relate to what you’ve said here!

So would I. I diffidently don't like people of the same sex saying stuff like that to me.

I can say mate fairly comfortably, but that is about it. Most definitely not things like ‘darling’ or ‘sweetheart’. Even with family or friends. It doesn’t come naturally to me so I don’t do it. I don’t mind people saying it to me or around me, but I get uncomfortable even considering saying it to someone else.

I wouldn't call it neurotypical.  

I can't imagine ever presuming to do that - even 'mate' or something always feels like a forced affectation. I don't mind it in other people (unless I witness a woman being patronisingly callyed 'luv' or something, usually by a bloke) as they seem to know what they're doing and to have a more innate confidence about when it's boundary-appropriate. 

The 'darling' thing is used ironically a lot in the acting profesion I notice. That's a long-standing one, and can be quite funny as there's a real sense of tongue in cheek about it. It's usually more of a 'daaaaaaarling' there, so you know it's being over-sold on purpose as a way of saying 'let's not take our 'luvvie status too seriously here'. But in most other contexts, it's a bit perplexing. 

I have a customer that repeatedly calls me duck, I never say anything and don’t  see how I have any links to a duck, and we are supposed to be the weird ones!

I've spent all my life hearing neurotypical people use such terms of affection when talking to almost everyone. I tend to turn a blind eye to it and view it as a neurotypical quirk. I've had happily married women calling me things like, "sweetheart", "babe", and "honey".. It's just something they do out of habit, I think.

This is what autistic people tend to struggle with, the social add-ons that are related to 'bonding'.  Autistic people tend to just communicate at a basic level, only what is required.  Just copying others is not really a good ideas, as its complicated - there are  differences depending on gender, age, 'class', etc.  Best to keep it formal at work, even if that comes across as cold or distant.  Its better than saying something over-familiar and causing a massive issue at work.

That is interesting. I never use terms of affection in everyday interactions - obviously I use them for close friends and family - it would just sound incongruous coming out of my mouth. I think it is because such words and phrases are mostly used in a light-hearted bantering way, and, being autistic, I really cannot operate in those areas. Also, I think it is characteristic of socially confident people, which most autistics are not. 

Hi Tony,

I drove a taxi, a Black Cab for many many years before i had to pack-in for medical reasons. It was quite normal that the women i picked up called me 'luv' ot 'darling'. Maybe even a few of the men.

People have asked me, didn't that make me feel terrible, being autistic and having to meet so many different people everyday. But in fact it was mostly easier than when i worked in offices when i was younger.  When i worked in offices, the others were your workmates that you had to talk to, 'cos you built  up a relationship with. When i was in the Cab, if i picked up a fair of 4 / 5 people, they mostly chatted amongst themselves and ignored me. It was only when i picked a fair of a single person that i might have felt obliged to talk. Some chatted, others didn't. And even if it was someone who wanted to talk, most fairs were only short journeys, so they'd be getting out often less than 10mins  from when they got in.  So  you never in that situation were you had to build relationships. Even the other drivers, if you didn't pull onto ranks and park-up, if you only ever drove around 'the cobbles' looking to get 'hailed', you never had to build relationships with your workmates.