Why can’t you just be like the other children? Late diagnosed or self diagnosed adults, Can we forgive parents?

I have thought about this a lot and I believe that because of my parents childhood traumas and thier therefore unsuitability to become parents, social services should have intervened far earlier and had me taken into care, fostered or adopted - this would happen much more and more quickly today and rightly so, as often difficult decisions need to be made in the best interests of the child

In order to deal with these many trials, I find that praying a decade of the Most Holy Rosary each day to the Blessed Virgin Mary our spiritual Mother can help to resolve many of these issues, while bringing us back into a State of Grace 

I gradually understood that as Christians we are called to endure suffering as Christ Himself did - and I learned to “offer it up” as penance for my childhood sins of disobedience to parents God-given parental authority as deserved consequences of actions and that any resistance only adds greater sin to sin that has already been committed  

Coming from a traditional Irish Catholic background in Rural Ireland in the 1970’s I can relate to this at age 52, which in many respects was an awkward era when the 1960’s was coming to Ireland and many conservatives still held onto the staunchly Irish Catholic traditions they had always held, especially around childhood corporal punishment and that “children should be seen and not heard” - being constantly told by other children that I was “not right in the head” and getting a good hard “clip across the ear” (for the slightest thing) while at the same time being told firmly to “cop yourself on” and “grow up” where even today people simply refuse to understand autism and regard it as “attention seeking” and “nonsense” for which my grandparents were huge advocates of corporal punishment to “correct” it - given my parents own childhood traumas, why did they not act in obedience to my grandparents and not marry as they were totally unsuitable (above all) for being parents, given also that my grandparents marriages were disapproved of, in clear violation of traditional Catholic Social Teaching - my parents were also considered too old to marry and have children, which was pointed out to them several times by my grandparents, the nuns (on my Mums side) and the local Parish Priest who refused to carry out the wedding 

Hello I Sperg, much of what you have written here resonates with me.  I'm 45 currently waiting for my diagnosis outcome and my parents cannot even acknowledge I'm going through it!   But then again they are emotionally immature and I've been the 'scapegoat child' my entire life.   Everyone else is allowed to be ill, have mental health problems, be diagnosed with anything and they will be believed...... but me noooo.......apparently anything that might be 'wrong' with me is just me lying/doing it for attention/being 'selfish'.   

My parents have been working really hard at appearing well-to-do and respectable and they are really afraid of being found out I think, for the despicable people they are.    I was treated very badly and I'm trying to create the distance I should have made at least twenty years ago, but I didn't realise even back then what they were doing to me. 

I have terrible daytime flashbacks that have become worse since perimenopause and during autism assessment, many aspects of my childhood and how I was treated then resurfaced and I've been left mulling these over time and time again, painfully and without redress at the moment.   I need alot of support in processing everything really.  

I cannot forgive my parents because they didn't 'know better' because autism wasn't so known in girls, I don't forget them because they were crap parents, plain and simple.   

My mask is one where I smile and grin to make people like me.  Because I learnt that if I didn't smile, joke, be funny really quickly I'd be in pain, physically and/or humiliated emotionally....  Not just from bullies at school or out playing, but from my parents.   I say to my husband you can always tell how nervous of someone I am by how much my smile is fixed on my face.   In natural, trusted company my face is neutral unless something actually funny is going on.  I'm sick of grinning like an idiot so I'm not hated.  My real face is serious and has no more f***s to give nasty people who don't deserve to breathe the same air as me.

Well I think of my childhood as a time went I didn’t have have the vocabulary to manifest my reasons and defend myself.
I find that I don’t feel hurt in myself, I just want to go back and rescue myself from the torture, and the inhumanity, and the degradation of it all. 
I feel that my diagnosis offers some closure, I don’t feel the need to punish my mentors and peers, I just lament about how I wasn’t saved. I feel that in finding out what was wrong I got justice for the boy in me..

I've been very lucky, because I don't feel that my mum has done anything that needs forgiving. Ultimately she was just doing her best to raise a rather weird little girl on her own, without any knowledge of autism because it was the 90s and it was assumed that little girls who did well at their schoolwork couldn't possibly be autistic. While we did have issues with my executive dysfunction (rows over the state of my room especially!) I was never made to feel like there was anything wrong with me for being interested in odd things or not wanting to hug people.

My teachers, on the other hand, ought to have known better than they did, particularly the ones I had at secondary school. And my dad and I are low contact because I wasn't the sociable, sporty child he was expecting to have and he's always just lacked any interest in my life as a result. Those are the people I find it hard to forgive- but as I said, I still consider myself lucky, because the person who did the most to raise me was doing her best.

WOW, DUDE! You had it worse than me!

My old man had just seen the light as regards my character, when he croaked it. FWIW it didn't make a blind bit of difference to how he treated me, the behaviour was too entrenched, but I got to KNOW he was starting to see it wasn't all my fault.. 

I've sent you a friend request, on the basis of (so far shared experience & "resonance" with what you write). I don't mind mind if you'd "rather not", but I mention it in case you'd missed it. After a few months when I remember, I tend to cancel them out of perceived politeness if they've not been responded to, so you don't need to do anything at all, there's no pressure to make any decision, I'm just letting you know it's there because I've missed them in the past, myself, and don't yet quite understand how I did miss them. 

I always answered "I don't know", which seemed to enrage them more...

As I grew bored (A euphemism for a six year child desperately trying to "be good" and trying anything that might work to stop the unpleaantness quickly) I experimented with trying to solicit the correct answer.

I was told it was that I was "Selfish". Even though that didn't seemed to match how I felt inside, I tried giving that as an answer, next time the question was asked. At least it shortened the time of dread and got the violence over quicker...

The correct answer, I now know, is to stop people attacking you by any means possible as quickly as possible.

When you can achieve that, then you can go for style points and find the processes that also cause least harm to your attackers.

You quickly find that some people just hate you for existing, and unless you can escape, it's you or them. I can usually find an escape or a good solution, but I also know that in some situations, I either need to trust in God and and let the situation unfold as it will, or use the force that always seems to come to hand in such situations and destroy my opponent any way I can.

Life seems harder than It needs to be. Not because of bombs or guns or drugs or God.

Human nature does the trick all on its own. Bah.   

I can't forgive my parents.  My mother was bad but my father was a hundred times worse.

Throughout my whole life he made it verbally clear that I was the shame of the family and my existence  must be kept a secret because he was obsessed with his reputation and standing in the community.

Even on his deathbed, in hospital, he was telling at me to GET OUT because he was didn't want to be seen with me in public.

Indeed.  We put a lot of energy into identifying our masks and unmasking.  But it was society which often explicitly demanded that we mask for its benefit in the first place as much as anything we voluntarily did to fit in.

I'm so sorry your parents weren't on your side.  You are in no way making too much of this at all and you don't have to forgive, especially not if you have heard no apology and your forgiveness has not been sought.  It is the job of a parent to try to understand, love and support their child not to ask them to be what they are not.

I was luckier.  I did hear those words, but from a headmaster.  When I was being relentlessly bullied he told me it was my fault and I would have fewer problems with the other kids "if I were more like them".  Unbeknown to me, he told my mother that if I were his kid he would give me a good slap.  My mother unbeknown to me until years later had been trying to defend me. 

It's easier to let go of the hurt from someone who is not your parent.  In one way or another, though, I think that most of us who were identified late have spent a life time of the world entire pressurising us to be to other than ourselves, and it's time to tell the world it can either accept us as we are or get stuffed.

For her own sake, I hope your mother comes to some realisation of the harm she did you and asks your forgiveness.  If she doesn't, it's her loss, not your responsibility.

I'm no contact with mine and it makes my life a lot easier and less stressful.

Sometimes I wonder whether I would reconnect with my mother if she divorced my father (who has violent meltdowns) or if he died. But honestly I don't think I would, as I've moved on.

I've wrested with this issue for some time. I can see NOW how frustrating and wilful I must have appeared as a child. I can understand enough of the psychology to see WHY things unfolded the way that they did, and how the situation kinda forced everyone into playing the roles that they did, BUT my parents repeatedly violated the prime directive that a parent has.

Love and nurture your child.

Worse, they set me up for a life of failure, of being "Bad", simply by expecting nothing good, (and not seeing it when it did appear) 

IN SHORT, For them, ONE aspect of me was enough to define my whole as "bad", and unlike many other people who have encountered me as an adult they did not get much good out of me as a result. 

Now they are dead, they made sure to exclude me from any sort of legacy, but they did "stress test" me so much as a kid, that I'm relatively tough and functional and adaptable, and they showed me how NOT to bring up a kid, so my own child did not suffer as I did, and seems to be more sucessful and happy in life as a result, all of which are good outcomes for me. 

If anything, I'm sad for me as a child, and I'm sad for them that they never really got much enjoyment out of me, certainly nothing like the bond and enjoyment I have with my adult child. The children that they did care for and appreciate, as adults have been less reliable or helpful than many non family members, AND have proven troublesome and untrustworthy in life, so they are now strangers to me. 

This precis, masks many decades of mutual hurt and blame games and bad behaviour, which I have struggled to understand. 

I heard the song Eleanor Rigby at age six, by which time I was already one of the "lonely people" that the Beatles were singing about, so it struck a chord, and started me on a quest to understand loneliness and relationships in general. 

I've learned this:

If people have victimised you for (or at least taken advantage of) your Autism all your life, and when they learn of it,  they don't make any effort at restitution, or allow you to reframe your life in the light of the new knowledge, YOU OWE EACH OTHER NOTHING. Except to create and keep distance between you.

Your diagnosis, if nothing else, is an opportunity for change. You need people in your life who will support you to make positive changes, not anchors to an unpleasant past. 

Hello Roy, your post really resonated with me as the mother of a child who has been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD and PTSD at the age of 25. I wish, everyday, that I could turn the clocks back to when she was just 8 years' old and said to me "Mummy, I am different". At the time, I did not recognise this as a BIG cry for help.

My daughter has been encouraged to share her feelings with us including her resentment and anger towards us, her parents. I have listened to so many horrific stories of where we as parents did not appreciate the negative impact of our behaviour. Some of these conversations have been very tough and I feel incredibly sad and guilty about the missed opportunities to better support her in her childhood. I now feel a desperate need to atone for what I now perceive to be neglect.

Despite her anger and resentment, my daughter has been incredibly generous in allowing me to share her journey. As a result we have developed a very deep connection. We regularly check in with each other and try to pick up on and resolve any friction or tensions as quickly as possible. My daughter is also having psychotherapy to try and process her feelings and past experiences. 

I am not sure if this is helpful, but I guess what I am trying to say is that most parents are trying to do their best. If it helps you to remain at a distance from your Mother, while you are doing your own processing, then trust your own judgement. I hope, that when the time is right for you both, that you find a way to rebuild your relationship, Sue . 

Hi Roy, this is as complex as the condition. I was also badly treated by my mother, but I have to forgive her to some extent, as I believe that she was also undiagnosed ASD and didn't fair well either. It is hard though, as family relationships can be very difficult anyway, without disabilities thrown into the mix! I can forgive ignorance due to a lack of information, but I find sheer meanness unforgivable. As I am a newly diagnosed adult, I am coming to the realisation that one of my biggest hurdles now is going to be other people's ignorance and consequent behaviours, in relation to ASD. Try and find some peace for you, as holding on to resentment can be detrimental to your health. 

A great article and thank you for sharing. 

Hello, thank you for your reply, I’m 54 and going through diagnosis at the moment. I have two adult sons and don’t feel that I was the best parent. I thought that the ship was sailing along just fine, when in reality it was sinking. It’s almost certain that my late father was autistic, I see all the signs in him now. Most probably the issues I’ve been having with my mother is because I’m angry with myself for not doing better. I’m deflecting my own incompetents at parenting on to her. None of us really knew what we were doing. Learning is the only way we can go forward and try to improve our relationships.

I also found this article very moving and poignant. 

theautisticadvocate.com/.../

I think it depends on so many factors and I struggle with this myself, both from the perspective of not being diagnosed myself until age 55, then reflecting on so many things that went wrong in my own childhood, to that of being the parent who didn't understand and therefore probably caused a whole lot of additional damage in my own children. 

I see it as intergenerational (limitations, lack of knowledge and parenting patterns repeatedly passed on) ,which helps me towards some kind of forgiveness, but then I do also have a lot of pent up anger because i feel as though I'm getting a lot of blame from my now adult sons and being held to standards to which I wasn't able to hold my own parents.  In a way that's good, I own my mistakes, I apologise and I do my utmost to support them in what is very often a hostile world.  But I also feel resentful that I never had any such support, I'm giving what I never had and previously didn't even know about so couldn't act upon.  I was ignorant rather than uncaring, but I accept that that doesn't alter the fact that damage was done.  I'm devastated.   

The way I see it:  We are all products of our culture, times and level of awareness and education.  We have our limitations and we ALL cause pain and suffering to others, in one way or another.  I would feel less able to forgive if I thought that cruel or inconsiderate words and behaviours had been deliberately directed towards me, but when I look back I see that my parents were not only struggling with their own neurodivergence, but also poverty (due to not fitting in in the workplace), inability to cope as they saw others coping and a kind of internalised ableism that resulted in a lot of misery and sometimes spilled over into their hopes and expectations for their children.  They thought, as I did of my own parenting, that they were doing their best and certainly better than the previous generation.  Alas, it wasn't enough, but I can't honestly say that that was their fault and that they could possibly have risen above it all.   They were horribly stuck.  

Now I can't say whether any of this rings true in your experience.  However, I do wonder about family patterns and the ways in which they are repeated over the generations in neurodivergent families, especially if they don't realise that they're neurodivergent and so continue to try and play the same game as others.  One rather stinging observation came from one of my sons and that was, "You might have been able to get away with it if I hadn't been autistic!"  But the truth is that I was actually doing my best and not trying to get away with anything at all - just trying to be a good parent in the best ways I knew.  Overall I find this really sad and am still trying to find ways through.  I would hope that other parents would do the same and I probably would feel less forgiving in the case where parents DID acquire more information and awareness but it wasn't reflected in their behaviours towards their children. 

As it happened, my elderly mother did support me throughout my assessment and diagnosis plus we went on to share some really great times and conversations in the last few years of her life.  But I still have an abiding image of her frail and immobilised in her adapted armchair and her already tired, red and rheumy eyes filling with tears when I explained what was happening with her grandchildren.  We're all different and you're not at all out of order if you can't, but IF it's at all possible (and I know it's a big "if") that any forgiveness and healing can possibly be brought into these situations, I'd prefer to have those difficult conversations and look for some kind of understanding before it's too late.