Why can’t you just be like the other children? Late diagnosed or self diagnosed adults, Can we forgive parents?

Hi, a really good question was asked earlier in the week about our earliest childhood memories. Most seemed to be how we had been taken to different events and were unable to join in. A thread that I noticed was that as late diagnosed or self diagnosed we seem unable to forgive parents for how we were treated. The usual, “ don’t show me up” or “why are you so awkward”?, the one I can still hear is, “your a strange child” these  are just a few of the instances that a lot of us endured. This was whilst we didn’t know why we couldn’t  identify with other children either. I find I just can’t forgive my remaining parent, my mother. I fully understand that no one had any knowledge of autism but I just find it very hard to forgive the verbal and sometimes physical punishments that were handed out. I actually keep contact now to a minimum. I don’t know if I’m being “out of order”  or making too much of this, I am still processing a lot of my childhood, a lot of these memories still haunt me and just find it very hard to forgive and forget.  Your thoughts on this would be appreciated.

Parents
  • Hello Roy, your post really resonated with me as the mother of a child who has been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD and PTSD at the age of 25. I wish, everyday, that I could turn the clocks back to when she was just 8 years' old and said to me "Mummy, I am different". At the time, I did not recognise this as a BIG cry for help.

    My daughter has been encouraged to share her feelings with us including her resentment and anger towards us, her parents. I have listened to so many horrific stories of where we as parents did not appreciate the negative impact of our behaviour. Some of these conversations have been very tough and I feel incredibly sad and guilty about the missed opportunities to better support her in her childhood. I now feel a desperate need to atone for what I now perceive to be neglect.

    Despite her anger and resentment, my daughter has been incredibly generous in allowing me to share her journey. As a result we have developed a very deep connection. We regularly check in with each other and try to pick up on and resolve any friction or tensions as quickly as possible. My daughter is also having psychotherapy to try and process her feelings and past experiences. 

    I am not sure if this is helpful, but I guess what I am trying to say is that most parents are trying to do their best. If it helps you to remain at a distance from your Mother, while you are doing your own processing, then trust your own judgement. I hope, that when the time is right for you both, that you find a way to rebuild your relationship, Sue . 

Reply
  • Hello Roy, your post really resonated with me as the mother of a child who has been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD and PTSD at the age of 25. I wish, everyday, that I could turn the clocks back to when she was just 8 years' old and said to me "Mummy, I am different". At the time, I did not recognise this as a BIG cry for help.

    My daughter has been encouraged to share her feelings with us including her resentment and anger towards us, her parents. I have listened to so many horrific stories of where we as parents did not appreciate the negative impact of our behaviour. Some of these conversations have been very tough and I feel incredibly sad and guilty about the missed opportunities to better support her in her childhood. I now feel a desperate need to atone for what I now perceive to be neglect.

    Despite her anger and resentment, my daughter has been incredibly generous in allowing me to share her journey. As a result we have developed a very deep connection. We regularly check in with each other and try to pick up on and resolve any friction or tensions as quickly as possible. My daughter is also having psychotherapy to try and process her feelings and past experiences. 

    I am not sure if this is helpful, but I guess what I am trying to say is that most parents are trying to do their best. If it helps you to remain at a distance from your Mother, while you are doing your own processing, then trust your own judgement. I hope, that when the time is right for you both, that you find a way to rebuild your relationship, Sue . 

Children
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