Why can’t you just be like the other children? Late diagnosed or self diagnosed adults, Can we forgive parents?

I think it depends on so many factors and I struggle with this myself, both from the perspective of not being diagnosed myself until age 55, then reflecting on so many things that went wrong in my own childhood, to that of being the parent who didn't understand and therefore probably caused a whole lot of additional damage in my own children. 

I see it as intergenerational (limitations, lack of knowledge and parenting patterns repeatedly passed on) ,which helps me towards some kind of forgiveness, but then I do also have a lot of pent up anger because i feel as though I'm getting a lot of blame from my now adult sons and being held to standards to which I wasn't able to hold my own parents.  In a way that's good, I own my mistakes, I apologise and I do my utmost to support them in what is very often a hostile world.  But I also feel resentful that I never had any such support, I'm giving what I never had and previously didn't even know about so couldn't act upon.  I was ignorant rather than uncaring, but I accept that that doesn't alter the fact that damage was done.  I'm devastated.   

The way I see it:  We are all products of our culture, times and level of awareness and education.  We have our limitations and we ALL cause pain and suffering to others, in one way or another.  I would feel less able to forgive if I thought that cruel or inconsiderate words and behaviours had been deliberately directed towards me, but when I look back I see that my parents were not only struggling with their own neurodivergence, but also poverty (due to not fitting in in the workplace), inability to cope as they saw others coping and a kind of internalised ableism that resulted in a lot of misery and sometimes spilled over into their hopes and expectations for their children.  They thought, as I did of my own parenting, that they were doing their best and certainly better than the previous generation.  Alas, it wasn't enough, but I can't honestly say that that was their fault and that they could possibly have risen above it all.   They were horribly stuck.  

Now I can't say whether any of this rings true in your experience.  However, I do wonder about family patterns and the ways in which they are repeated over the generations in neurodivergent families, especially if they don't realise that they're neurodivergent and so continue to try and play the same game as others.  One rather stinging observation came from one of my sons and that was, "You might have been able to get away with it if I hadn't been autistic!"  But the truth is that I was actually doing my best and not trying to get away with anything at all - just trying to be a good parent in the best ways I knew.  Overall I find this really sad and am still trying to find ways through.  I would hope that other parents would do the same and I probably would feel less forgiving in the case where parents DID acquire more information and awareness but it wasn't reflected in their behaviours towards their children. 

As it happened, my elderly mother did support me throughout my assessment and diagnosis plus we went on to share some really great times and conversations in the last few years of her life.  But I still have an abiding image of her frail and immobilised in her adapted armchair and her already tired, red and rheumy eyes filling with tears when I explained what was happening with her grandchildren.  We're all different and you're not at all out of order if you can't, but IF it's at all possible (and I know it's a big "if") that any forgiveness and healing can possibly be brought into these situations, I'd prefer to have those difficult conversations and look for some kind of understanding before it's too late.                 

Hello, thank you for your reply, I’m 54 and going through diagnosis at the moment. I have two adult sons and don’t feel that I was the best parent. I thought that the ship was sailing along just fine, when in reality it was sinking. It’s almost certain that my late father was autistic, I see all the signs in him now. Most probably the issues I’ve been having with my mother is because I’m angry with myself for not doing better. I’m deflecting my own incompetents at parenting on to her. None of us really knew what we were doing. Learning is the only way we can go forward and try to improve our relationships.

Hello, thank you for your reply, I’m 54 and going through diagnosis at the moment. I have two adult sons and don’t feel that I was the best parent. I thought that the ship was sailing along just fine, when in reality it was sinking. It’s almost certain that my late father was autistic, I see all the signs in him now. Most probably the issues I’ve been having with my mother is because I’m angry with myself for not doing better. I’m deflecting my own incompetents at parenting on to her. None of us really knew what we were doing. Learning is the only way we can go forward and try to improve our relationships.