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Why can’t you just be like the other children? Late diagnosed or self diagnosed adults, Can we forgive parents?

Roy

Hi, a really good question was asked earlier in the week about our earliest childhood memories. Most seemed to be how we had been taken to different events and were unable to join in. A thread that I noticed was that as late diagnosed or self diagnosed we seem unable to forgive parents for how we were treated. The usual, “ don’t show me up” or “why are you so awkward”?, the one I can still hear is, “your a strange child” these  are just a few of the instances that a lot of us endured. This was whilst we didn’t know why we couldn’t  identify with other children either. I find I just can’t forgive my remaining parent, my mother. I fully understand that no one had any knowledge of autism but I just find it very hard to forgive the verbal and sometimes physical punishments that were handed out. I actually keep contact now to a minimum. I don’t know if I’m being “out of order”  or making too much of this, I am still processing a lot of my childhood, a lot of these memories still haunt me and just find it very hard to forgive and forget.  Your thoughts on this would be appreciated.

Parents

  • I'm so sorry your parents weren't on your side.  You are in no way making too much of this at all and you don't have to forgive, especially not if you have heard no apology and your forgiveness has not been sought.  It is the job of a parent to try to understand, love and support their child not to ask them to be what they are not.

    I was luckier.  I did hear those words, but from a headmaster.  When I was being relentlessly bullied he told me it was my fault and I would have fewer problems with the other kids "if I were more like them".  Unbeknown to me, he told my mother that if I were his kid he would give me a good slap.  My mother unbeknown to me until years later had been trying to defend me. 

    It's easier to let go of the hurt from someone who is not your parent.  In one way or another, though, I think that most of us who were identified late have spent a life time of the world entire pressurising us to be to other than ourselves, and it's time to tell the world it can either accept us as we are or get stuffed.

    For her own sake, I hope your mother comes to some realisation of the harm she did you and asks your forgiveness.  If she doesn't, it's her loss, not your responsibility.

Reply

  • I'm so sorry your parents weren't on your side.  You are in no way making too much of this at all and you don't have to forgive, especially not if you have heard no apology and your forgiveness has not been sought.  It is the job of a parent to try to understand, love and support their child not to ask them to be what they are not.

    I was luckier.  I did hear those words, but from a headmaster.  When I was being relentlessly bullied he told me it was my fault and I would have fewer problems with the other kids "if I were more like them".  Unbeknown to me, he told my mother that if I were his kid he would give me a good slap.  My mother unbeknown to me until years later had been trying to defend me. 

    It's easier to let go of the hurt from someone who is not your parent.  In one way or another, though, I think that most of us who were identified late have spent a life time of the world entire pressurising us to be to other than ourselves, and it's time to tell the world it can either accept us as we are or get stuffed.

    For her own sake, I hope your mother comes to some realisation of the harm she did you and asks your forgiveness.  If she doesn't, it's her loss, not your responsibility.

Children
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