Mood, depression and getting older

Depression, strange moods, anxiety - they are all common in autism because autistic people tend not to manage our thoughts/emotions, emotional regulation they call it.  Hence triggers causing meltdowns, or shutdowns, or stuck in thought loop.  Depression isn't just sadness, which most people think it is - it can vary, and be complex.

I'm not sure autism gets worse with age, but you can certainly struggle to mask as you get older, or you decide not to hide your autism anymore.  Autism burnout seems common amongst elder autistic adults, its complex - its not just fatigue from having to mask for decades, it may also be due to years of triggers, constant anxiety, chronic over-thinking, or bad things happening in life.

Anxiety is draining by itself, and also increases depression - both of those can also disturb your thinking/moods, and that all feeds into making life really difficult.  Life is just happening to you, you aren't really living.

I am late 40's now, and its only in recent years that I have learned about managing thoughts/feelings.

There isn't much support out there for adults with autism, I've used self-help books to improve how I think, and that has stabilised my moods.

I can recommend a few books that have really helpd me.

'Overcoming Anxiety and Depression on the Autism Spectrum: A Self-Help Guide Using CBT' by Lee A WIlkinson, helps you.  

Another good book is 'A mindfulness guide for the frazzled' by Ruby Wax, she has suffered from mental health issues but decided to study how the brain works, why we suffer, and ways to help.  Mindfulness can be difficult for some, but its worth trying - having a break from thoughts/feelings now and then can really help, and after a while you can use it daily to think better and make better decisions - because your brain isn't fried.

You can't fix executive dysfunctioning, sadly, but it can be worse when we are not thinking/feeling well, so working on those will help.  Find ways to help remind you, organise you - there are things online and apps, best to find what works for you.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I've never considered depression coukd be not just sadness.

I do think I had a period of burnout a few years ago ( burnout anyone would experience due to life events but autism adds another layer).  I have felt in a perpetual state of anxiety since September really. It hasn't ever fully gone away. I think the low mood is also coming from not being able to process how I feel properly...this has happened before.

You're right, there isn't much support but I'm absolutely trying my best with what's available from the professionals and my own self help. It's a case of problem solving as much as I can rather than just moaning about it. 

I'll look into the Wilkinson book. I did get one by Beardon which basically said avoid everything that triggers you but this is totally unrealistic. CBT has taught me to be more tolerant of anxiety (it was slightly adapted as I'd done regular cbt before without success) but like I said above, it can get to the runaway train stage. 

I'm practising mindfulness everyday. It's just being absorbed more into my life now and I do meditation and breathing etc. It does take the edge off and I do this anytime, not just when anxious, although sometimes it's hard to disassociate "relaxation" with "anxiety".

I love Ruby Wax. I've got her most recent mindfulness book which has been really helpful. Again it's practising it like you would with the gym. But also not getting hung up on it either. She's very accessible and I love the science bits too....I need that otherwise it just seems mumbo jumbo.

I think it's about having a tool box of things we need as and when, but it feels like mines an untidy mess at the moment and I can't find what I need.

Yes - I am trying my best too to find ways of reducing my anxiety - as is my son. At the moment we are just not doing that well - more existing than living at the moment as we both feel so overwhelmed by various things that are happening at the moment (in our family and in the wider world). We had a family member who died recently and also serious illness in the family. Sometimes I’m just too anxious to meditate or practice mindfulness. It’s a bit of a vicious circle. I think I’d like to sleep for a month or two! Just get a massively long rest where I don’t have to think at all and give my mind a thorough rest. That would be lovely. 
We often look back on happy times from before the pandemic and I feel such a longing to feel like that again - where you didn’t have to worry about viruses and going into places. I miss being that carefree (although of course we did have worries then - but it was different). 
pits such a beautiful sunny day today and that does help. I’m so glad that spring is about to appear

A lot of what you say resonates with me, especially the bit about recovering and feeling bad you aren't back to normal yet.  When I was having my anx episode a few years back and also been recovering from covid,  I think I was putting pressure on myself that I had to be back to normal and sometimes I thought I was but I wasn't. I often look at people at work who ring in sick for the slightest thing...I think cos I'm so used to fighting through things because of the 'spergers, I'm just used to it. Ive always said I feel I have a higher tolerance than others for putting up with stuff (not physical pain...just stress of normal life).  

It's good you want to get a handle on things. That's the first step of progress...recognising you aren't right and need help.

I too like religious music. I was on holiday in Scotland a few years bsck and felt really moved in the abbey while we sang. I'm not religious at all! It was a really emotionally charged evening and I didn't realise at the time but i think I was picking up on everyone's vibes. 

I sowed my wildflowers (in the front garden too!) this afternoon. I'm keeping everything crossed. One thing I do struggle with on gardening is I feel personally responsible if something doesn't survive. Or that im not doing something the right way. Also I don't know where to start with a project. Im also overly mindful of wildlife and it can be to the detriment of getting on with things (Monty says keep a patch of your grass wild...I did and now it's smothered in dandelions. ...they say don't clear up your leaves too early...I haven't but it looks a mess!) Also all the pots I seem to accumulated stress me out and I feel elements of gardening are quite wasteful (like when they suggest making a seasonal container or using fresh compost all the time) I'm trying to reduce the amount of pots I have and to put more in thr ground. I'm learning not to overthink as much and just "get on with it" and that I'll learn by mistakes which is hard cos I don't like making any.

It must be so lovely to do a job you can be completely absorbed in and enjoy at the same time. It definitely will come back to you when you've got more capacity. It sounds like you've been through an awful lots and I think our short term brains can only handle so much so focus on getting yourself more well first then the rest will follow. I've learned you can't do everything and  wellbeing needs to be priority.

My partner is very rational. I used to find this difficult at times till I discovered I was AS then got a diagnosis.  He actually offers a very level headed perspective of things which is really helpful. 

Hope you and your family enjoyed your walk! 

This is all so interesting - thank you for sharing your experience. Reading this and the other comments it’s really struck me how hard autistic people work at coping with life - and how much commitment and determination we put into solving our problems. It’s actually really impressive and we should give ourselves credit for that. Often when I struggle I feel like a failure (my son does too) but reading these comments reminds me that what we are trying to achieve is actually really challenging - and we are showing strength by continuing to try to improve our lives and work on the things we find difficult. This is especially impressive as we don’t get much help a lot of the time. 
You’re right - we need to help each other. It’s been so good to talk on here (and I’m in quite a dark place right now so that’s actually huge for me). 
It’s funny that you mention mushrooms as I was saying the other day that maybe what I need is some weed! However firstly I don’t know anyone to buy it off, and secondly I gather it’s so strong now that I would be worried about taking it. I would so LOVE to have an easy way of relaxing - I used to have one or two drinks every evening but since I’ve been ill it just doesn’t taste nice anymore. It’s as if my body is saying ‘this is not good for you right now’. 

I’ll look into the YouTube things you mention - my son watches lots of YouTube and he finds it really helpful. 
What happened to you at work sounds really distressing - that must have been really hard for you. It’s good that someone there tried to help you though and supported you. Years ago I had a sort of ‘breakdown’ - I remember calling my husband and asking him to come home from work because I was so frightened. Like you mentioned I have a background level of anxiety all the time and it only takes a series of crisis if various kinds to make it massively elevate to a point where I am really struggling. That’s where I am now. I want to get a handle on it and get back to enjoying my life again.  
Your garden is going to look amazing when all these seeds come to fruition. What have I been doing? Not enough probably! We’ve had some very dull issues with our computer that we had to sort out - and some other issues over a blood test - not pleasant things that have taken far too much of our day. I was just listening to some beautiful choral music on the radio (I think it was the Sunday Service on Radio 3)  which was very calming and I really enjoyed that. I’m not religious (in any conventional sense anyway) but I love religious music, especially very early music and psalms. So peaceful. 
My art - which I’ve not been doing for three months now which is so unusual for me - is figurative but very imaginative (lots of imagery that’s connected to the natural world ) - I work on paper with water based mediums. They’re as much drawings as paintings in many ways. I hope to get back to it when I feel more myself again. It feels so odd not to be doing it (I’ve always drawn so much from being a child) but i just can’t focus at the moment. I’m sure when it’s the right time my inspiration and desire to work again will return (I really hope so anyway). My illness last year was very severe and it’s really knocked me about - physically and psychologically. The hospital told my husband last week that I am still in the very early stages of recovery - and in a way that was comforting because I often feel bad about the fact that I’m so not back to ‘normal’ yet. I need to be patient but I am such an impatient person! 

we are going to go for a walk now on a nearby farm. It takes so long to get my son to get ready to go out of the house (thankfully he is the one thing I am patient about - because I love him so much! ). 
I have learnt so much from being his mother in so many ways (and so much from my other son too). My eldest is super rational and analytical- so when myself and my son are freaking out and emotional we Skype my eldest and he approaches any problem we ask him about in a completely rational way and it’s so incredibly helpful! He puts a totally different perspective on things which is so helpful. They are so different and I get so much from them in such different ways. 

So yes - we’ll go for a walk - when he’s got his walking gear on. 

I've really enjoyed reading everyone's comments you seem a lovely bunch and we have things in common (I love gardeners world too!)

Breathing techniques made me worse too as did relaxation in yoga (when i was high anx) What I do now is focus on the breath however it is. I don't try to change it. I use this video most days m.youtube.com/watch sometimes I can be doing it and it takes at least ten minutes to start to focus. I also used to use insight timer app which has some good free stuff on. My new yoga teacher actuslly said last week guided breathing (like where you're counting etc) can make you worse and it can provoke anxiety or panic!)

Ohh yes walking helps but I tend to find my brain needs at least 45 minutes to switch off by which time im on the return part of the walk! I have found building up with mindfulness is helping in life but it's a slow process. Ive only been able to do this since I got space in my head.

I achieved that space through cbt and learning to tolerate anxiety better but it depends where you go and who you get. I'm doing an online cbt treatment at the moment and it's actually making me worse  (this has happened before with generic group cbt....it isn't one size fits all!) 

I also learned that I was never any good at coping with anx and also with the AS adding another layer that when the big stuff happens that's when it just blows you apart. I do definitely think how we process things has got a lot to answer for tho!

I find podcasts on my interests helpful too. Also I know you said you are self employed (I think) and WFH but you might really really need time off. I didn't listen to my body and didn't understand what was going on till one day I was in work with my mgr sitting beside me while I waited on the phone for the doctor...I didnt realise it had got so bad. It didn't help that I couldn't associate the physical feelings with classic anxiety symptoms because they felt different to how they were described.  So I actually thought I was goung mad. 

We need to help each other.  My partner is incredibly supportive but it does feel lonely sometimes not having anyone who truly truly gets it. I had my assessment just over a year ago and so far it's proving difficult to get help. It's practical help I want for the day to day as opposed to talking therapy. Counselling is no good for me anyway it's too unstructured. I've applied for access to work but it's still going through. I've been told I can get work coaching which I'm hoping will help me manage and recognise work stress better. YouTube helps too...I quite like Yo Samdy Sam.

Also, I don't know if I should be saying this but on the times I've had "mushrooms" I have found this helps with looping thoughts. It puts you in the present with no effort.

It's such a lovely weekend. I've been sowing rudbekia and cosmos seeds and I've got dahlias on the go too. What about you?  And what sort of art do you do?

I've really enjoyed reading everyone's comments you seem a lovely bunch and we have things in common (I love gardeners world too!)

Breathing techniques made me worse too as did relaxation in yoga (when i was high anx) What I do now is focus on the breath however it is. I don't try to change it. I use this video most days m.youtube.com/watch sometimes I can be doing it and it takes at least ten minutes to start to focus. I also used to use insight timer app which has some good free stuff on. My new yoga teacher actuslly said last week guided breathing (like where you're counting etc) can make you worse and it can provoke anxiety or panic!)

Ohh yes walking helps but I tend to find my brain needs at least 45 minutes to switch off by which time im on the return part of the walk! I have found building up with mindfulness is helping in life but it's a slow process. Ive only been able to do this since I got space in my head.

I achieved that space through cbt and learning to tolerate anxiety better but it depends where you go and who you get. I'm doing an online cbt treatment at the moment and it's actually making me worse  (this has happened before with generic group cbt....it isn't one size fits all!) 

I also learned that I was never any good at coping with anx and also with the AS adding another layer that when the big stuff happens that's when it just blows you apart. I do definitely think how we process things has got a lot to answer for tho!

I find podcasts on my interests helpful too. Also I know you said you are self employed (I think) and WFH but you might really really need time off. I didn't listen to my body and didn't understand what was going on till one day I was in work with my mgr sitting beside me while I waited on the phone for the doctor...I didnt realise it had got so bad. It didn't help that I couldn't associate the physical feelings with classic anxiety symptoms because they felt different to how they were described.  So I actually thought I was goung mad. 

We need to help each other.  My partner is incredibly supportive but it does feel lonely sometimes not having anyone who truly truly gets it. I had my assessment just over a year ago and so far it's proving difficult to get help. It's practical help I want for the day to day as opposed to talking therapy. Counselling is no good for me anyway it's too unstructured. I've applied for access to work but it's still going through. I've been told I can get work coaching which I'm hoping will help me manage and recognise work stress better. YouTube helps too...I quite like Yo Samdy Sam.

Also, I don't know if I should be saying this but on the times I've had "mushrooms" I have found this helps with looping thoughts. It puts you in the present with no effort.

It's such a lovely weekend. I've been sowing rudbekia and cosmos seeds and I've got dahlias on the go too. What about you?  And what sort of art do you do?

A lot of what you say resonates with me, especially the bit about recovering and feeling bad you aren't back to normal yet.  When I was having my anx episode a few years back and also been recovering from covid,  I think I was putting pressure on myself that I had to be back to normal and sometimes I thought I was but I wasn't. I often look at people at work who ring in sick for the slightest thing...I think cos I'm so used to fighting through things because of the 'spergers, I'm just used to it. Ive always said I feel I have a higher tolerance than others for putting up with stuff (not physical pain...just stress of normal life).  

It's good you want to get a handle on things. That's the first step of progress...recognising you aren't right and need help.

I too like religious music. I was on holiday in Scotland a few years bsck and felt really moved in the abbey while we sang. I'm not religious at all! It was a really emotionally charged evening and I didn't realise at the time but i think I was picking up on everyone's vibes. 

I sowed my wildflowers (in the front garden too!) this afternoon. I'm keeping everything crossed. One thing I do struggle with on gardening is I feel personally responsible if something doesn't survive. Or that im not doing something the right way. Also I don't know where to start with a project. Im also overly mindful of wildlife and it can be to the detriment of getting on with things (Monty says keep a patch of your grass wild...I did and now it's smothered in dandelions. ...they say don't clear up your leaves too early...I haven't but it looks a mess!) Also all the pots I seem to accumulated stress me out and I feel elements of gardening are quite wasteful (like when they suggest making a seasonal container or using fresh compost all the time) I'm trying to reduce the amount of pots I have and to put more in thr ground. I'm learning not to overthink as much and just "get on with it" and that I'll learn by mistakes which is hard cos I don't like making any.

It must be so lovely to do a job you can be completely absorbed in and enjoy at the same time. It definitely will come back to you when you've got more capacity. It sounds like you've been through an awful lots and I think our short term brains can only handle so much so focus on getting yourself more well first then the rest will follow. I've learned you can't do everything and  wellbeing needs to be priority.

My partner is very rational. I used to find this difficult at times till I discovered I was AS then got a diagnosis.  He actually offers a very level headed perspective of things which is really helpful. 

Hope you and your family enjoyed your walk! 

This is all so interesting - thank you for sharing your experience. Reading this and the other comments it’s really struck me how hard autistic people work at coping with life - and how much commitment and determination we put into solving our problems. It’s actually really impressive and we should give ourselves credit for that. Often when I struggle I feel like a failure (my son does too) but reading these comments reminds me that what we are trying to achieve is actually really challenging - and we are showing strength by continuing to try to improve our lives and work on the things we find difficult. This is especially impressive as we don’t get much help a lot of the time. 
You’re right - we need to help each other. It’s been so good to talk on here (and I’m in quite a dark place right now so that’s actually huge for me). 
It’s funny that you mention mushrooms as I was saying the other day that maybe what I need is some weed! However firstly I don’t know anyone to buy it off, and secondly I gather it’s so strong now that I would be worried about taking it. I would so LOVE to have an easy way of relaxing - I used to have one or two drinks every evening but since I’ve been ill it just doesn’t taste nice anymore. It’s as if my body is saying ‘this is not good for you right now’. 

I’ll look into the YouTube things you mention - my son watches lots of YouTube and he finds it really helpful. 
What happened to you at work sounds really distressing - that must have been really hard for you. It’s good that someone there tried to help you though and supported you. Years ago I had a sort of ‘breakdown’ - I remember calling my husband and asking him to come home from work because I was so frightened. Like you mentioned I have a background level of anxiety all the time and it only takes a series of crisis if various kinds to make it massively elevate to a point where I am really struggling. That’s where I am now. I want to get a handle on it and get back to enjoying my life again.  
Your garden is going to look amazing when all these seeds come to fruition. What have I been doing? Not enough probably! We’ve had some very dull issues with our computer that we had to sort out - and some other issues over a blood test - not pleasant things that have taken far too much of our day. I was just listening to some beautiful choral music on the radio (I think it was the Sunday Service on Radio 3)  which was very calming and I really enjoyed that. I’m not religious (in any conventional sense anyway) but I love religious music, especially very early music and psalms. So peaceful. 
My art - which I’ve not been doing for three months now which is so unusual for me - is figurative but very imaginative (lots of imagery that’s connected to the natural world ) - I work on paper with water based mediums. They’re as much drawings as paintings in many ways. I hope to get back to it when I feel more myself again. It feels so odd not to be doing it (I’ve always drawn so much from being a child) but i just can’t focus at the moment. I’m sure when it’s the right time my inspiration and desire to work again will return (I really hope so anyway). My illness last year was very severe and it’s really knocked me about - physically and psychologically. The hospital told my husband last week that I am still in the very early stages of recovery - and in a way that was comforting because I often feel bad about the fact that I’m so not back to ‘normal’ yet. I need to be patient but I am such an impatient person! 

we are going to go for a walk now on a nearby farm. It takes so long to get my son to get ready to go out of the house (thankfully he is the one thing I am patient about - because I love him so much! ). 
I have learnt so much from being his mother in so many ways (and so much from my other son too). My eldest is super rational and analytical- so when myself and my son are freaking out and emotional we Skype my eldest and he approaches any problem we ask him about in a completely rational way and it’s so incredibly helpful! He puts a totally different perspective on things which is so helpful. They are so different and I get so much from them in such different ways. 

So yes - we’ll go for a walk - when he’s got his walking gear on.