Published on 12, July, 2020
I wrote in my diary last week "in a strange mood but I don't know why, often get like this".
This week I'm wondering if I'm depressed but I don't feel sad or worthless. I sometimes have difficulty picking up on how I feel. I just know I've felt flat for quite a bit. My head is crammed full but otherwise I feel flat. I can't stop eating.
Interspersed with this are odd days of enjoyment and feeling in the flow.
In the mix is also anxiety without worry but I have felt ok today.
I feel things are getting harder as I get older in my mid thirties but it's not like I have got any commitments in life apart from a partner, house and job of 4 days per week.
It was noticeable things were easier for me in lockdown and I'm still adjusting back to normal. It sounds pathetic but it's the little things which put demand on executive function, on their own are nothing but added up make a big thing. Such things as remembering to get my dinner ready the night before or having to put make up on or wash my clothes for work.
I have read before AS gets worse as you get older but I'm only mid thirties.
Depression, strange moods, anxiety - they are all common in autism because autistic people tend not to manage our thoughts/emotions, emotional regulation they call it. Hence triggers causing meltdowns, or shutdowns, or stuck in thought loop. Depression isn't just sadness, which most people think it is - it can vary, and be complex.
I'm not sure autism gets worse with age, but you can certainly struggle to mask as you get older, or you decide not to hide your autism anymore. Autism burnout seems common amongst elder autistic adults, its complex - its not just fatigue from having to mask for decades, it may also be due to years of triggers, constant anxiety, chronic over-thinking, or bad things happening in life.
Anxiety is draining by itself, and also increases depression - both of those can also disturb your thinking/moods, and that all feeds into making life really difficult. Life is just happening to you, you aren't really living.
I am late 40's now, and its only in recent years that I have learned about managing thoughts/feelings.
There isn't much support out there for adults with autism, I've used self-help books to improve how I think, and that has stabilised my moods.
I can recommend a few books that have really helpd me.
'Overcoming Anxiety and Depression on the Autism Spectrum: A Self-Help Guide Using CBT' by Lee A WIlkinson, helps you.
Another good book is 'A mindfulness guide for the frazzled' by Ruby Wax, she has suffered from mental health issues but decided to study how the brain works, why we suffer, and ways to help. Mindfulness can be difficult for some, but its worth trying - having a break from thoughts/feelings now and then can really help, and after a while you can use it daily to think better and make better decisions - because your brain isn't fried.
You can't fix executive dysfunctioning, sadly, but it can be worse when we are not thinking/feeling well, so working on those will help. Find ways to help remind you, organise you - there are things online and apps, best to find what works for you.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I've never considered depression coukd be not just sadness.
I do think I had a period of burnout a few years ago ( burnout anyone would experience due to life events but autism adds another layer). I have felt in a perpetual state of anxiety since September really. It hasn't ever fully gone away. I think the low mood is also coming from not being able to process how I feel properly...this has happened before.
You're right, there isn't much support but I'm absolutely trying my best with what's available from the professionals and my own self help. It's a case of problem solving as much as I can rather than just moaning about it.
I'll look into the Wilkinson book. I did get one by Beardon which basically said avoid everything that triggers you but this is totally unrealistic. CBT has taught me to be more tolerant of anxiety (it was slightly adapted as I'd done regular cbt before without success) but like I said above, it can get to the runaway train stage.
I'm practising mindfulness everyday. It's just being absorbed more into my life now and I do meditation and breathing etc. It does take the edge off and I do this anytime, not just when anxious, although sometimes it's hard to disassociate "relaxation" with "anxiety".
I love Ruby Wax. I've got her most recent mindfulness book which has been really helpful. Again it's practising it like you would with the gym. But also not getting hung up on it either. She's very accessible and I love the science bits too....I need that otherwise it just seems mumbo jumbo.
I think it's about having a tool box of things we need as and when, but it feels like mines an untidy mess at the moment and I can't find what I need.
This is me exactly. Both me and my son are experiencing Autistic Burnout at the moment. There’s so little help for us. My son is having CBT with the NHS but it just seems to be chatting on the phonend he doesn’t seem to get much from it. The therapist just mostly listens and doesn’t offer hardly any helpful strategies that can help. I will check out the books you mention - thank you We really are quite desperate at the moment and really struggling. It’s really hard.