Growing up lonely and trying to fit in and completely lost myself

Hi,

It is amazing how we manage to dip beneath the radar so often my memory and mimicry. In a new environment I watch how others act and then I not so much copy them, but hold back aspects of action, laughter, swearing etc so I get no attention... but if I feel strongly about something, usually an injustice, I can't stop myself from expressing my thoughts.. 

Hi Paul,

I do hope so, but each time I let my defences down and all is well, the moment his family get involved such as short notice group meetings despite social distancing rules, he will agree with them at the expense of my mental and physical wellbeing. He is 60 and I don't understand why he capitulates to keep the peace with them at my expense.  I simply don't trust him as much because it is the pattern of my tears and his professing regret and promising change with no change apparent, and he seems to think that is okay. 

I remember at school when I was 7 years old. I couldn’t read or write I have autism and dyslexia. I copied all the children reading all the books in our classroom I could repeat all of the dialogue as if it was a script. One day our teacher was off sick, we had the headmistress take our class, she said “I want you all to write a little story. I didn’t write anything and began to cry. She came over to me and said why are you crying? I replied because I can’t read and I can’t write. Rubbish she said, I am told you know all the books in this classroom off by heart. She didn’t give me time to explain how I had learnt them. She thought I was just being defiant. She did not believe me, so to punish me she told me to stand online in the corridor she gave me a book which wasn’t in our classroom and told me I was to read it out loud. I try to read the book but all I could do is say a, b, I, all the children that passed by me mimicked me trying to read and laughed at me it was horrible and I was crying it was really terrible.

when it came to play time I used to pretend I was riding a horse all the time and didn’t play with the other children in the playground every now and again somebody wanted somebody for a skipping game or one potato two potato game and nobody ever wanted to play with me because they said I was different and I didn’t know how to skip I wasn’t enough to coordinated to do the potato game. So I too was totally left out.

Once a fortnight is good - I hope they let you continue like that after all this pandemic madness is over.  In some ways it has worked out well for many people.

We are still learning with our relationship and I think knowledge of my ASD will make it stronger.  My wife is very sympathetic and caring and we must remember NT's have anxiety and stress too.  My wife suffers from high levels of health anxiety (and is on medication) so this is a two way supportive journey we are on.

If your husband truly loves and cares for you, then he will learn and change and it should deepen your relationship and make you both happier.  

Hi Paul,

Since lockdown panel meetings are now virtual and have worked so well that it has been suggested once offices fully reopen that I would only have to go in once a fortnight  - to be seen as a "team player", so that's good.

With regard to arguments, my husband is slowly understanding until it means changing then that causes issues  - then he just says he forgets I have Aspergers because I seem normal most of the time.... it is odd that on the Spectrum we are accused of being rude but are not supposed to be hurt when someone we love says things like that. Last night I advised if NTs were the minority in society they would be criticised for being so duplicitous, saying things to "buy time", promising and not delivering etc. He just looked at me and eventually had to agree that purely being in a majority does not make it right or honest.

I am the same with arguments, it takes me ages to get over them but my wife mostly forgets in no time (there have been exceptions).  However things have changed now I know I have ASD but we haven't had a major row yet to test the change.

In the times I have been in to an office I tend to keep to myself.  Being in IT and being quite a senior programmer I am largely given a task and left to get on with it which suits me fine.  Also most of the companies I work in have a very flat structure so we don't have lots of bossy middle managers etc.

I was also lucky in that they closed the local office where I had to commute to and said I could work from home - this was before COVID - so all in all it has worked out very well.

Hi Paul and KikiCat,

I find men more straightforward and their humour more in tune with mine... the only person who knows of my diagnosis is my husband and managers at work. With lockdown and working from home, my stress levels plummeted because I didn't have to drive to work planning how I would respond to colleagues if it got stressful during the day, or worry about unplanned visits from other teams needing my assistance. It is at times like mental gymnastics listening and running through a response to check for bluntness and rephrasing in nano seconds. I would get home exhausted and my husband would not understand why I would baulk or meltdown when suggesting we visit his elderly parents with zero warning! We only met 3yrs ago so for him it is a roller coaster and every time we row I just wish I was living on my own again. I find he gets over arguments much quicker and I sadly feel there is a bit more of me that dies.

Wow that's hard - there are so many stories on here of people with an NT partner that ups and leaves on a diagnosis.  Nothing has really changed in the relationship but the label seems to have a profound effect on some people who can't seem to cope.  

So far everyone I have told has been very understanding (especially my wife) but years of ignorance and trying to fit in means I mostly play nice with the NTs so I don't have too many rough edges.  Of course this means I am lying to myself to some degree but I don't want to alienate everyone close to me.

Hi.

New to the chat, but this topic very close to my heart. I am 56 now, but diagnosed at 48. My mother always said she never understood me, that I preferred my own company or being with our dogs in the fields. Other girls I found trivial and spiteful but the village boys just built camps and climbed trees etc and I got on really well with them...till secondary school was a grammar school for girls. I was utterly depressed and alienated for 5 years. I am a strong and stubborn woman as I was as a child but that doesn't mean I don't hurt or hide from society. I have had 19 jobs, most for less than 18 months till I found the right job where I stayed for 17yrs. They said I was such a pain in the....that if I did not get the Aspergers diagnosis I would be in deep trouble..so I paid and got a private diagnosis. Always known for total accuracy, a new manager started, saw my diagnosis and treated me as if I was a liar, incompetent and untrustworthy. I left. New job not so great and very stressful but I mostly work from home so a good barrier. My then partner of 15yrs said he loved me when I was quirky but when diagnosed didn't want to be judged by association so l left him. I don't have the energy to try and please NTs. I inevitably upset them unknowingly along the way... it is a hard choice, be true to yourself and be alone or camouflage and try to fit in with limited success. I keep learning and suffering either way !

I wasted most of my time growing up trying to fit in. In my 20s now. Never did manage to fit in. I lost myself a long time ago and worst bit is I still don't fit in now.

You do have acceptance on here, not the same as in the flesh I know but it is worth something.  It gives you perspective and it is always nice to know there are others in the same situation as yourself.

You are not alone!

I went through lots and lots of jobs before I found IT.  All that time doing office jobs and admin I never fitted in, I didn't understand my colleagues at all or the office games they played and being blunt and rude at times meant I got pushed to the edges and was first to be made redundant when the next downturn came.

All that stopped when, with a lucky break, I got into programming.  Where I am now I have been for 21 years and, knowing what to look for, I would say ASD is heavily over represented in our ranks and as such I seem to fit in.  I also get on well when I need to meet people face to face (which isn't very often) because we tend to talk shop and cut the pointless chit chat.

I wish I knew! For now, I'm just trying to enjoy the ride.

Tonik said:

This is a problem because to accept myself I need to know who I am.

To know who I am I need to be myself.

To be myself means being more obviously autistic.

Being obviously autistic makes me need to mask.

Masking means I don't know who I am.

Oh, I recognise that little merry-go-round!

But how do we get off it?

Ben

I am nearly 40 years old. I started masking at such a young age and got so good at it that I really have no idea who I am now.

This is a problem because to accept myself I need to know who I am.

To know who I am I need to be myself.

To be myself means being more obviously autistic.

Being obviously autistic makes me need to mask.

Masking means I don't know who I am.

Maybe this is different to what you are saying, but I wanted to say that this cycle of events feels like it might never end and has a massive impact on my mental health too. Also, even though I have managed to maintain some friendships they are a constant source of anxiety for me. I only got my ASD diagnosis last year, so this is all quite new to me and I don't have any answers, but I'm trying to accept that this is how it is, even if I don't know how to accept myself yet. It is a mad world, but this mad world is for all of us.

You are not alone. It is easy for anyone to feel lonely when they don't feel understood. It is also very common in NTs and I don't know many NTs who have friends through work. Most people seem to go to work and come home without making any friends there. Perhaps a better place to make friends would be through hobbies and interests? Another idea might be to become a volunteer somwhere or start a course. I got a dog and joined a local dog 'buddy facebook group and met a friend through that (even though the goal was for my dog to meet a friend not me). 

Try not to look for anything too deep initially. Most NTs could find Aspies intense. Mostly it's just small talk and light hearted conversation,,,,.. unless you have known someone for a while.

Hi Chris, 

Exactly the same for me... But never knew why until got diagnosis. Now it all makes sense why, but yeah I don't fit in anywhere really. If need a chat, message me anytime. 

Chris,

I know exactly what you mean, I grew up completely on the outside looking in. As I got older, I tried to fit in and just got ridiculed; the NT world is indeed a difficult place.  I struggled for years, and gradually developed mental health problems, leading to a breakdown, addiction to prescribed meds and not a lot of understanding.

My ASD diagnosis (quite late in life) was a revelation, I just ticked so many of the boxes that I knew it was right. Since then I have read up on the condition and feel happier with myself than I ever have, it's like I now know who I am.

But I still don't fully understand the world of NTs, there doesn't seem to be anything to read that explains their 'condition'.  Consequently, I have not 'come out' as I'm sure most of them just wouldn't understand.... But I know, and that's what matters the most.

Ben

I relate to this. Most part I was called Flakey when I needed time for myself before interacting with people again. Instead of being asked how I was, people would assume. I didn't think much of it till I got to a point where I had no one. 

As of now, I do have a close friend and a partner with a few other friends who are more understanding and know about boundaries.

But it's now formed into trauma and I'm extremely careful with the people I meet nowadays. 

The world is mad. But there are somethings that make it okay once in a while!